Chaos and a Half
Aug 09 '01
The Bottom Line Alternate Title: The Damn Drunken 80’s Chaos (in conjunction with the Elevdado Write Off and the Great Proletariat Wine Write Off)
If somebody hands you an opportunity, you don’t turn it down. I feel as strongly about that regarding Epinions Write-Off as I do regarding, say, employment. (side note: If anyone out there wants to offer the monkey an employment opportunity, I will probably accept it. Just puttin’ that out there.)
Unfortunately, my Ireallycandoeverythingal attitude seems to get me into trouble. During the month of August alone, I will be participating in my 11th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, and 17th Write-Offs. One of those write-offs even requires three posts, which brings me up to 9 write-off entries in the month of August alone. That doesn’t even include eplovejoy’s Commentsment, designed to encourage new-blood in the cult of Epinions. I can’t bring myself to turn a single damn write off down.
For example, when elvisdo and levda approached me about their grand homage to the 1980’s in write-off form, I couldn’t resist. I mean, who doesn’t love the 80’s? Communists, that’s who. Besides, you don’t turn The Grim One down. I hear he has very excruciating ways of extracting revenge. And levda? C’mon. I fear her. I really, really fear her. So I signed myself right on up for the Elevdado Write-Off, which requires that we submit one review of an 80s film, one review of an 80s album, and one review of an 80s television show.
Then, when I received an invitation to The Great Proletariat Wine Write-Off, I jumped at the chance to wax poetic about something I know absolutely nothing about: wine. So I told sundogg99, the GPWWO’s erudite host, that I would gladly join in his festivities, hoisting a box of wine above my head and tippity-tapping away at the keyboard. Hey! Writing reviews drunk (again) and telling everyone about it. Who doesn’t love that?
Finally, Tony Flores (you know him as sslabs) emailed me about some mysterious gathering that he would eventually dub “Chaos.” He told me he needed funnier, more off beat writers to liven up the mix a little. So I said, “What am I, a fucking clown to you? I’m here to amuse you? Well, you’re not so tough anymore without your glock, are you, Mr. Flores?” Then I threw dirt in his face and ran. Then, feeling guilty, I apologized to Tony about the whole “dirt-throwing incident” and I agreed to participate in “Chaos.”
But, since “Chaos” and The Great Proletariat Wine Write-Off and The Elevdado Write-Off all ended up requiring me to post around the same time, I decided to do them all at once.
Name three things that you are sure to find at the epinions headquarters. Survey says!
When Tony Flores sent us the list of questions we would answer for “Chaos,” he stipulated three rules: 1) Do not add any questions 2) Do not alter the questions 3) Do not remove any questions. I denote Tony’s questions here in bold, like the one above (which, I suppose, technically doesn’t fall under the definition of question. Somehow, I imagine we’ll persevere.) Graciously, Tony did tell us, “You CAN skip a question, just leave it blank, write the word "pass" or use a smiley face, I don't care.” I assume that Tony will also accept off-topic answers. If not… well… we’ll get through this together.
Going out on a limb, I will venture a guess that, at any given time, you can find (1) people and (2) computers at Epinions headquarters. I’d also bet that you would find mass amounts of Franzia California’s White Grenache with Natural Flavors. It comes in a box.
The folks at Epinions seem to me like people of discerning tastes. And even if their taste in wine didn’t even rise above their taste in, say, advisors, I imagine they would still use their obviously immense powers of perception to bring this pink alcoholic beverage (which I actually find slightly orange-tinted) to the office.
And three things you won't find there. Survey says!
You will not find reruns of Three’s Company at Epinions headquarters. The times when you could find Nirav Tolia throwing back brewskies at the Regal Beagle with Jack and Larry have gone the way of the mullet and, sadly, rumor has it that Tolia now sits in his office all day long, drowning his sorrows in Franzia California White Grenache (with natural flavors) and reminiscing about the salad days, when the Ropers had not yet spawned their own series (which, surprisingly, does not air on Nick at Nite Tuesdays alongside Three’s Company).
You will not find unfinished boxes of wine at Epinions headquarters.
According to ad-dollars, you will not find Peanut Butter at Epinions headquarters. I think he may be onto something.
Right now, there are four choices to rate opinions with. NH, SH, H and VH. If I could add a fifth button it would be . . . .
Your Mom.
and it would . . .
Insult your mother. Duh.
How many epinions writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Imagine, if you will, an Epinions writer named JackTripper who lives with two gorgeous female Epinions writers named ChristmasSwan and JanetWood. Imagine a playboy who lived downstairs with the Epinions handle of simply, Larry. Imagine an uptight landlord who writes Epinions in his spare time under the name Mr.Furley. Imagine the hilarity that ensues as these five characters, prone to pratfalls and egregious misunderstanding, attempt to screw in a single light bulb. I think you know what I’m getting at.
Who wants to be a millionaire, lightning round Put these events in proper chronological order and explain your reasoning.
And now, a brief foray into future history:
June, 2003: D. Epinions gets the site running correctly and stops saying 'we apologize for the inconvenience'… Folks once again become able to choose the most pleasurable California wine in a box, by scouring the Epinions database.
December, 2003: C. Boy bands are not popular… After years spent awaiting the next Nirvana, the pop craze finally becomes eclipsed by a series of bands made up entirely of animatronic boxes of California wine.
January, 2004: A. The US government finally discloses who shot JFK… Operating on a phone call by a man calling himself “Mr. R. Monkey,” Northern California police arrest Epinions CEO Nirav Tolia before he boards an international flight leaving SFO. In his statement to the press, Tolia says “But… but, I hadn’t even been born yet…” The authorities don’t seem to care. In other news, one Mark Anthony Brooks launches a consumer-product review site called “dookiesplotches.com,” featuring numerous articles on Ben Gay and unnamed UPS delivery boys.
August, 2134: B. A man lands on Mars… He celebrates by drinking Franzia California White Grenache straight from the box in honor of his mother country, The United States of Earth, and openly salutes the cryogenically frozen brain of Ronald Reagan.
If I could have a one night stand with any epinions writer and not get into any trouble as a result, it would definitely be
Let’s just say that, if ChristmasSnow and JanetWood actually existed, I’d follow them home in a heartbeat.
It's all about the music Flashback
There is a boating accident in international waters. You look over the edge of your boat and you see Mariah Carey, Scary Spice, Britney Spears and Janet Jackson all trying desperately to stay afloat. You can only find two life preservers. Who lives and who dies?
If I were Larry from Three’s Company—and I’m not, but sometimes I wish I were—I would… well… I would ask who these people were, because it would be the early eighties. I would rescue Britney Spears and Janet Jackson, for obvious reasons. I would wear my bathrobe for all television interviews.
If all the advisors in the category of music and all the advisors in kids & family got into a bar fight, who would win and why?
repulsemonkey wins. Because he cheats.
You're at the dinner table with Nirav Tolia (the epinions big cheese). Do you
A. kick him under the table.
B. stab him in the hand as he passes you the butter.
C. embarrass him by mentioning that bug ridden site you found called Epinions
D. simply ask him to pass the gravy and contain your rage, disappointment or other negative feelings.
E. hug Nirav for creating epinions.
F. punch Nirav for creating epinions.
G. pretend Mr. Tolia isn't even there.
H. other.
H. I would rate him “Not Helpful.”
After dinner I saved Nirav Tolia's life, and he gave me complete control over epinions for 24 hours. The very first thing I'm going to do is . . .
Temporarily pllaced in charge of Epinions, I would add a category for Franzia California White Grenache, a category entitled “What You Should Know About Wine In a Box,” and a category called “General Comments About Three’s Company, Wine, One-Night Stands and Epinions.
I would then submit this article to proeditor’s E-Prime Write-Off (my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail), because—just as the title implies—I was real good about using “to be” verbs. Damn.
Then I would ban all inside jokes about Epinions.
Then I would ban all masochism on Epinions.
Then I would force myself to retire. Gently.
If writing opinions were an Olympic event, this one would take the gold for funniest opinion.
I hate to go along with the populist view on this one. Actually, I hate to ever go along with the populist view. But the truth is, I have never laughed so hard at my computer screen as I did when reading “Is That A Sock in Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?” by Hard_To_Please (http://www.epinions.com/content_20494192260).
I also think that, conceptually, 29th_Candidate’s “Stocking Situation?: Avoiding Those Cheap Hose May One Day Save Your Soles!” is nothing less than a work of pure genius.
I await Sordid-1’s article on the sexual politics of Three’s Company.
If I could invite any writer to this write-off that was not originally invited by "sslabs" it would be
All of the following writers have agreed to participate in either The Elevdado Write-Off, The Great Proletariat Wine Write Off, or Chaos. Some have agreed to participate in two of the three. I would force them all to enlist in ALL THREE write-offs, that each of them might visit my own personal corner of hell.
29th_candidate, ad-dollars, ainsleyjo, alawston, arielssong, bijou, bluehawq, brotherman, caleo, canuckyeti, chris_maverick, christy13, daniel_rf, davidk93, dchefsours, deaser26, divine_cheese, elvisdo, ermitano, fez_monkey, gamblinfamily, ggrimes1221, ileneg, isinga, jennjoy, jkelley, katmar, kellydeal, lambchops, levda, lightnin, madtheory, mangiotto, mattjoe, mr.eyore, musemelpomene, nomttrwht, orator, palwalrus, panterad00d, phineaskc, prfstars, psychovant, redsox75, rfr, sarah_knipper, shilmafone, sloucho, splitsurround, st3on1ey1baby, sumo_rhino, sundogg99, teddiec, thepirateking, tigerlily137, and zzjulia
I would also invite beerfly simply because—due to circumstances beyond my control—I have again pissed in his sandbox. Lew, I sincerely apologize. I mean it.
Finally, I would like to note that, in preparation for The Great Proletariat Wine Write Off, I drank one glass of Franzia California White Grenache. Afterward, I noticed that the box had expired on July 10 of this year. This probably explains the orange tinge. As a result of drinking this bad wine, I became ill with stomach cramps, fever, diarrhea, temporary insanity and the gout.
If I might impart one brief nugget of wisdom to you about California wines, gentle reader, I would urge you not to drink expired California wine-in-a-box.
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Epinions.com ID:
repulsemonkey
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Ambassador of Epinions Love (and sometimes BBQ)
Location: Oops Upside Your Head
Reviews written: 29
Trusted by: 192 members
About Me:
Love me.
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