I've met the ideal woman... and we're better off as friends. (Colossal Crush Write-Off)
Aug 25 '01 (Updated Mar 23 '04)
The Bottom Line To see everything you want in a woman and know she's not "the one" can be heart-wrenching. But it can also be a huge blessing.
What’s this… another romance-themed music mix from divad23? Doesn’t he have real music reviews to write?
I promise, this will be the last one! After putting together the “Anthology” for my now ex-girlfriend, and compiling a collection of songs to be my “Catharsis” after she broke up with me, I decided not to spend too many of my Epinions days dwelling on the subject of love. But then fellow music reviewer and dreamer flamepillar had to go and host the “Colossal Crush Write-Off”. Which meant that I couldn’t, in good conscience, choose not to participate. Anyone who knows me understands my penchant for being knocked over by colossal crushes, especially in my college days. During the two and a half years or so between October 1998 and July 2001, I was blessed with the wonderful privilege of directing that relentless romantic desire to a wonderful girlfriend, and despite my anger about her breaking up with me, I know that it taught me a lot. However, this little editorial isn’t about her. After the breakup, I’ve been forced to examine my priorities – the things that worked, the things that didn’t, and things that I absolutely need in a girlfriend (and eventually a wife). I’ve had to admit to myself that despite how hard we tried to please each other, we didn’t have everything the other person needed. As a wise person once said, “Don’t marry the one you can live with. Marry the one you can’t live without.” In other words, understand what you need, what you can’t compromise. Many of us think we are too picky, and that if we’d just open up to a wider range of people, we’d find someone who is reasonably compatible. True, maybe some of us are expecting too much. But we all know that there’s a big difference between tolerating somebody and finding them interesting/amusing from time to time, and truly falling head over heels in love. I know now what I need to see in a girl before I can fall head over heels in love with her.
Here’s where the subject of my contribution to the write-off comes in. During the past six years of my life, I have been blessed with the friendship of a wonderful young woman named Lauren* who I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, holds every single trait that I would look for in a potential mate. Pretty strong statement, huh? Most people would be thrilled to actually run across such a person, and many feel that they have, only to be disappointed later when they get to know the person better. But I’ve known her really well for six years, ever since our freshman year of college. We’ve shared so many ups and downs, victories and tragedies, and spent many a late night talking – in each other’s dorm rooms or on the phone. We are so on the same wavelength sometimes that it’s just eerie. So, why did nothing ever happen between us? Well, the answer to that is pretty easy. She never felt attracted to me. This may seem tragic, and it’s been a strain on the friendship at times, but I’ve learned a lot from it. These songs are all dedicated to the six years we’ve spent together as friends, the hopeless romantics that we will both be until the day we die, the hard stuff we’ve been through, and our unspoken commitment to be there for each other until we both do find “the right one”. I hope you enjoy reliving this story with me as much as I’ve enjoyed living it the first time.
* Note: Her real name has been changed here, basically because I feel more comfortable talking about her this way. Anyone who knows me knows who I’m talking about, and anyone who doesn’t won’t really care what her name is anyway. So, having cleared that up…
Who’s Got Your Back – Church of Rhythm (Church of Rhythm, 1995)
I’ve got to lose my pride and let you help me
I know you’ll ease my mind when my life falls around me…
For me, the cornerstone of romance has always been a deep mutual friendship. I just can’t bring myself to ask someone out on a date when I hardly know her – I’d rather know her well enough to have a good idea of how she’d react before I even ask the question. When I first met Lauren at the beginning of fall semester my freshman year at Occidental, I had already developed a few crushes on different girls that I had chatted with some during the first few weeks. Not surprisingly, knowing my tastes, these other few women that I was interested in were all Asian (I have this incurable attraction to Asian women). Lauren and I first began to talk as we passed the time during our rather boring calculus labs, which meant that we had homework assignments to do together as well. These assignments took us forever to do, because within about week of meeting her, I was spilling my guts about all of these other girls I found somewhat interesting, and then I found myself falling for her. (Stupid mistake – don’t ever tell a girl you like about another girl you like!) Even stupider yet was the fact that I alluded to liking her as if she were another, unknown person, who lived in her dorm. The verbal trickery may have not won me many points, but our mutual interest in discussing all things romantic, and our compatible senses of humor, helped to forge a great friendship between us, one that both of us could call upon when we were in trouble. This song by Church of Rhythm came from a tape I loaned her when I first learned that her musical interests (at the time) were in a lot of R&B groups such as Boyz II Men. I figured I could come up with a decent “Christian music” equivalent, and I managed to get her hooked on this cheesy but fun interracial pop/R&B/hip-hop group whose founding member Max Hsu just happened to be Chinese (and has since gone on to found another popular Christian group, Superchic[k]).
Baby Baby – Amy Grant (Heart in Motion, 1991)
And ever since the day you put my heart in motion
Baby, I realize that there’s no getting over you…
Back in those days, all I really listened to was Christian music. All Lauren really listened to was the softer end of mainstream music – mostly love songs. Like most Christians, she either didn’t have a clue Christian music existed, or just thought it was kind of silly – I can’t recall which. Anyway, we were talking in her dorm room late one night when this crossover hit from Amy Grant came on the radio (and I’m sure everyone remembers this bouncy little ditty that got Amy in big trouble for gasp! having a man who was not her husband act playful with her in the music video). We were both surprised that the other person knew the song by heart, and we stopped talking for a few minutes and just sang. It was a wonderful connecting moment. She found out about my feelings for her not long after that (or maybe right before that, I can’t recall), and she was flattered, even though she kind of hinted that she didn’t really feel the same way about me. I was still hopelessly infatuated with her. I went on to have other crushes, but my heart would still skip a beat when she would enter a room. Her personality just gave off a welcoming warmth. The way she dressed was conservative when compared to a lot of other college women – it only made her seem more cute and innocent. She would usually wear her lovely black hair down – she thought it was plain, but it was just the way I liked it. She’s just one of those people who could wake up in the morning and look fabulous, and therefore she doesn’t really have to bother with makeup or much of anything fancy. In any case, all of these elements assured me that even if she wasn’t the one, I’d never forget her. We had a great conversation at the end of the school year about how there will always be a place in your heart for your first love, or even your first major crush. She blew all the others out of the water – as we talked about that feeling, I was living it.
Maybe Tomorrow – Nouveaux (…And This Is How I Feel, 1996)
The heavens paint a silent symphony
As Orion shines for me
And are you there feeling the same as I
Whispering love songs to the lonely sky…
I’ve mentioned this beautiful, upbeat, acoustic rock tune before – it perfectly describes just about anyone I’ve fallen in love with at one point or another, and it will likely be a favorite of my future wife’s as well. It’s probably the most captivating song I’ve heard in the whole category of “longing for that special someone”. Lauren and I both long for that special someone to come along (thought she seems a little more content to wait than I do), and we had many a conversation about this during our sophomore year, as we got to know each other even better due to her joining the Christian fellowship I had already been a part of. I distinctly remember one February evening when she got locked out of her room after dinner because her roommate needed some (ahem) privacy, and having nothing else to do, she and I went on a walk up Mt. Fiji, a glorified hill at the east end of the campus. We sat there talking about the future and the kind of person we wanted to marry, and it was one of few nights when a good number of stars could actually be seen through the Los Angeles haze. She pointed out Orion to me, and immediately this song flashed into my head. I’ve since put it on a mix tape for her (I make those things for my friends all the time, so it didn’t have the explicit connotations of courtship that it does for some people when I did it for her), and I hope that it makes her feel as assured that there’s someone out there for her as I am, even knowing that it’s not me.
They Say It’s Love (Stars) – Cindy Morgan (Listen, 1996)
’Cause I heard the stars say
That they know your name and my name
And they say it’s love…
Another song about stars – this one is an odd, upbeat, piano-pop tune with odd production effects and melancholy clarinets that make it sound like it was ripped from a 40’s movie soundtrack. At least, that’s what it reminds me of. I don’t know if she’s ever heard this song, but she’d probably love it. It stands out in my mind as a symbol of our common fondness for romantic comedies. We must have watched a truckload of those movies together – often in the dorm TV lounge with other folks around – but it made me feel a special connection to her. She got to introduce me to several great movies (especially the excellent Chinese film The Wedding Banquet), and I got to introduce her to my favorite movie of all time, The Princess Bride (watching that movie with someone who hasn’t seen it before is half the fun). Perhaps the drama is overdone in some movies of that genre, and perhaps “fate” and “destiny” don’t work out as neatly as it does in the movies, but songs like this one give me hope that it will work out for us both someday.
Father of Lights – John Barnett (Vineyard Music – Touching the Father’s Heart Series, 1992)
Every good and perfect gift comes from You…
One of the things that added a new layer of depth to our friendship was attending worship services together at the school’s Christian fellowship. When you share deep-seated beliefs with someone else, it often opens up amazingly deep exchanges of feelings and philosophies and passions between you. This was one of the new songs we learned that year – a very simple melody and very minimal lyrics, married to a compelling guitar strum, made it easy to learn. I was having some issues in my faith that year – a lot of doubt was making it hard to hold to my beliefs. Having friends like Lauren around to comfort me and to assure me that God does, in fact, delight in His children, was what kept me going. I felt terribly guilty when I realized that I was going through a relapse of the feelings for her that I had tried to let go of the year before, but at the same time, I had to acknowledge that she was indeed a “good and perfect gift” from God.
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2 (The Joshua Tree, 1987)
I have spoke with the tongue of angels
I have held the hand of a devil
It was warm in the night
I was cold as a stone…
How can a person have so much and yet still be so lacking? This was the question I was forced to face near the end of my sophomore year, when an oncoming depression hit its apex over Spring Break. Along with several other friends, Lauren and I were supposed to go on a weekend trip to Joshua Tree (get it?), which we really looked forward to, especially since she had never been camping. Thanks to my buddy Drew’s car breaking down, she still hasn’t been to this very day. We all ended up spending the night in a motel, and while we had great fun together that night, missing out on the camping trip was devastating. No matter how everyone tried to comfort me during that time, I still felt my extreme lack of faith – I still hadn’t found what I was looking for, and it hurt like hell. All I wanted was the calm, childlike faith that she seemed to have.
Even in My Youth – Erin O’Donnell (A Scrapbook of Sorts, 1996)
Jesus said we must believe like the little ones to see
We were little once…
One of the things that I admire most about Lauren is her love for children. She spent almost every Saturday tutoring Asian kids in the surrounding area, and she is currently attending grad school to become a teacher. Through that she has an amazing connection to her faith – Jesus himself said that we must come to God as little children would, which means no preconceived ideas, no misgivings, just throw the whole of yourself into it. When I first bought Erin O’Donnell’s debut album (a masterful mix of folk, pop, and jazz that I will have to review at some point), I immediately fell in love with this song – it reminded me so much of everything I loved about her.
Baptize Me – Jaci Velasquez (Heavenly Place, 1996)
Hear me as I pray
Wash my sins away
Drown me in Your grace…
By the end of sophomore year, our lives as Christians had become central to our friendship. I had been baptized in November of 1996, and during a week-long conference at the end of the school year in one of my favorite locations (a secluded camp on Catalina Island), Lauren decided to take that step as well. Though each denomination has their own practices concerning baptism, most of us understood it to be an amazingly significant commitment – perhaps even more so than marriage. A public declaration of a deeply private relationship, a request for all who witness it to hold you accountable should you ever be tempted to stray from that commitment. Lauren hadn’t grown up in church like I had – she kind of stumbled across Christianity at age 10. So this was the first religious community she had felt comfortable enough to call home. All who decided to be baptized that week were asked to discuss the decision with a close friend, to make sure they were really ready. Despite the presence of several of her close girl-friends at camp that week, she chose me. It was an astounding honor to have those conversations with her, and to be there in the water as she went under. This mesmerizing dance/pop tune from Jaci V’s first album definitely captures the ethereal spirit of such an important step in the life of a Christian.
We Are Not as Strong as We Think We Are – Rich Mullins (Songs, 1996)
And if you make me laugh, I know I could make you like me
‘Cause when I laugh, I can be a lot of fun…
Again, this song showed up on another of my “mixes” that I wrote about here on Epinions, so forgive me for repeating myself. The song actually fit perfectly with what I was going through when I first heard it. That week when Lauren got baptized was also the week when I finally broke down and admitted to her how strongly I felt, that I hadn’t been able to shake off my attraction to her and I really felt she was the one. What she had to say in return was hard to hear, because she just knew that even though I was a nice guy and a great friend, she just didn’t feel any attraction the other way. She couldn’t force it to be there; I understand that much better now than I did then. But it was excruciatingly difficult, because this relapse of my feelings really betrayed her when she had already said no once. I had fallen victim to the lie that I could make her like me, and during the long summer that followed, she needed space, and lots of it. While she handled this with a lot of maturity, it still hurt. Often times I wanted to talk to her, just to have her trust and her companionship back, but I couldn’t force the wound to heal before it was time. My friends all know that when I’ve hurt somebody or they’ve hurt me, it’s absolutely gut-wrenching to have to wait for reconciliation. I actually had a very frightening dream that summer that Lauren was killed in a car accident, and I would never have the chance to make things right with her. Here’s the really scary thing: that September, Rich Mullins was killed in a car accident. Freaky, huh?
Please Believe – Fold Zandura (Ultraforever, 1997)
It can’t be too late to say
“My life would not be the same
If you had never been there for me…”
This is a sweet, synthesized, but still guitar-driven space-rock type of song that I’ve used as the soundtrack to many an apology. As our junior year started, things got really busy, and she just didn’t have time to talk to me. She requested that we maintain a distance, and it hurt to see her around and not be able to exchange much with her other than superficial pleasantries. But I never blamed her (alright, maybe a couple times I was irrational about it, but…) - I knew it was my fault, and the ball was in her court. All I wanted her to know was that I was sorry, and that I owed so much of the person I was changing into to my friendship with her – it was far too much for me to lose over a stupid mistake like that.
Friend for Life – Margaret Becker (What Kind of Love, 1999)
You’re telling me your heart is in pieces on the wind
And you’ve been cast away again
I’ve seen it in your eyes, the haunted look of loss
That comes when dreams meet their end…
I’m kind of cheating here, since I didn’t hear this song until after college, but the song very accurately sums up what our friendship became after we finally patched things up. Taken from Margaret Becker’s unexpectedly good album which downplayed her rock-chick status for an interesting foray into R&B and disco, this song symbolized the depth to which we yearn for our friends to find true peace and happiness. Junior year was a turbulent year – we were making decisions that would forever affect our lives. There were a lot of letdowns in between, and it was an honor that she felt comfortable calling on me during those times. I wanted to be there – to assure her God had good things in store (because it’s always easier to believe that about a friend than it is about yourself). As Margaret herself says during the bridge, “The only thing that matters/Is to know you’re not alone/And love will stay here with you/Long after I’m gone.” Even if I couldn’t be the one to make her happy, I wanted to see her happy.
You’re in Love – Wilson Phillips (Wilson Phillips, 1990)
But now I see that you’re so happy
Ooh, it just sets me free
And I’d like to see us as good of friends as we used to be…
Just when I least expected it, after the year’s usual share of romantic letdowns, it happened. I fell in love with Sharon. Lauren was ecstatic for me. She had seen me longing for it for so many years, and I had finally found it (even though there were no guarantees at the time that it would even last the school year). I had always expected that Lauren would find love long before I did, because obviously she was the most attractive woman in the world (well, other than my girlfriend at the time, of course, but being in love with someone is the bulk of what makes them attractive, isn’t it?), and I was just an ordinary guy, but here I was. I remembered this tune from the early 90’s, and remembered having it stuck in my head as a teenager, and now I related to part of it, and Lauren related to part of it. Her part was seeing me happy being in love. It seemed to mean so much to her, and if it had happened the other way around, I’d have been happy for her too, but I’d also have been quite jealous, and jealousy just didn’t seem to play a part in her mind. My part was all the time I spent feeling heartbroken over Lauren, thinking she was “the one” and I had no chance at her: “I had this feeling you’d always be by my side/Oh, I could’ve died.” Now it all made sense. Even though Sharon was quite a bit different from Lauren, I had learned so much about myself and what I wanted, and that was such a great benefit in this new relationship.
Stranded – Plumb (candycoatedwaterdrops, 1999)
You know only it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark alone
Waiting there for me to come back
I’m too afraid to show
What you already know…
Watching Lauren’s love life unfold was alternately amusing and frustrating. When a guy (like me) was attracted to her, it was often someone she didn’t feel the same way about. Or she didn’t have the first clue how he felt to begin with. When she liked a guy, he was often either clueless or interested in someone else. There were a few mutual attractions that came along, but due to different lives and different schedules, they always remained in a holding pattern, waiting for the right moment, the right sign from God, but never finding it. I was hoping – and I still do hope – that something works out for her one day. I feel so strongly that she deserves the very best, because as much as I found myself attracted to her, whoever she ends up with had better see a lot more of that in her than I do! It didn’t make sense to me that a guy could possibly ignore her or turn her down. As I mentioned earlier, being so close to each other as we’ve watched each other move in and out of difficult romantic situations has forged an unspoken bond that we will see each other through and be there in each other’s times of loneliness until we both get our chance to walk down the aisle. This song by Plumb captures that aching pain that two lovers feel when they know that there is an attraction there, but can’t figure out what the heck to do about it, and so they remain alone. (Side note – try listening to this song and Michelle Branch’s “Everywhere” back-to-back. The first few lines of the verse seem almost identical!)
Trying – Lifehouse (No Name Face, 2000)
Could you let down your hair, be transparent for a while…
Mmmm… let down your hair. The first line of this song always grabs me, because it uses such a great analogy to ask a person to be real. Lauren has always been real with me – what you see is what you get, and what you see is quite lovely indeed. This folksy, richly-colored ballad by Lifehouse seems to describe a conversation between a guy and a girl, and both of them are facing the temptation to be perfect, to have all the answers, but they know it’s better not to pretend, because all they are is two broken people trying to help each other find their way. Conversations between me and Lauren are full of this rich reality – and while such conversations might be draining to some people, they seem to be the very thing that drives us. It gets to the point where we can’t call each other and just chat for a few minutes – we’ll be on the phone until 2 or 3 in the morning. Being on that deep of a wavelength with somebody is an element I must have in the woman I marry. When you sit and talk with somebody about your dreams, your love for your career, your ideal guy or girl, sex (yes, it can be discussed in a platonic friendship), and pretty much everything that spills from your mind dealing with God, your faith, etc., it just floors you. Dare I say it – it’s better than sex. (But don’t quote me on that when I finally do get married.)
Nothing to Say – Andrew Peterson (Carried Along, 2000)
Hey Jamie, would you mind
Driving down this road a while
Arizona’s caught me by surprise…
On a surface level, we both relate to this simple folk song because it talks about driving through Arizona with a loved one and stopping to marvel at some of the awesome scenery in that part of the country. Lauren has relatives in Arizona and often heads out that way for Christmas or other family get-togethers. I’m partial to New Mexico myself, but the scenery is similar. On a deeper level, this song explores the awe that can strike us when contemplating God’s creation: “Oh Lord, I’ve never felt so small”. Experiencing that with somebody else has got to be twice as mesmerizing. Lauren also strikes me as somebody who would be very easy to travel with, so I’m sure she’ll have experiences like the one detailed in this song when she meets her future husband.
Black, White, Tan – Nicole C. Mullen (Nicole C. Mullen, 2000)
Mama looks like coffee, daddy looks like cream
Baby is a mocha-drop American dream…
One of the topics that comes up a lot when we talk these days is what it would be like to be part of a cross-cultural family, since we both think so much about marriage and children, and we try to picture it in our mind’s eyes. Being from a Chinese family, she knows that she doesn’t want to lose her cultural heritage in the generations that follow, and while it would be ideal for her to marry a “nice Chinese boy”, she is open to whoever God would bring her way, and she wants to be able to converse with her children in Cantonese, English, and whatever other language the guy would bring into the mix. Interracial marriages can be tricky – differences creep up on you even when you’re sure you’re completely prejudice-free and given my predisposition, I may likely find myself in one as well. This song by Nicole C. Mullen takes a step beyond the usual celebration of racial harmony – being a black woman in a largely white music industry (since she’s more pop than gospel), and being married to a white man with two “mocha-drop” children, she’s living what she sings, and the music in this one is a great marriage of twangy folk and smooth R&B.
Everything You Want – Vertical Horizon (Everything You Want, 1999)
But you’ll just sit tight and watch it unwind
It’s only what you’re asking for
And you’ll be just fine with all of your time
It’s only what you’re waiting for…
As I mentioned in my recent review of VH’s album, “Everything You Want” seems to be a song about being taken for granted. It’s become a standard on pop/rock radio in recent years, partially because so many of us relate to it. It’s tempting sometimes, when you’re amazingly attracted to a person, to see everything you want in them, and think that if you work hard enough, you can do all the right things and say everything at the right time to make them fall in love with you. It doesn’t work that way. I’ve been face to face with someone who looks like the most ideal woman in the world; we’ve explored so many of our deepest passions and fears together, and other people might say we’re an ideal match at times. But that doesn’t give me the right to assume she should be mine.
The Animal Song – Savage Garden (Affirmation, 1999)
Animals and children tell the truth, they never lie
Which one is more human – there’s a thought, now you decide…
Lauren keeps mentioning to me how much she loves this song – perhaps she was hoping I’d somehow procure it for her. I hadn’t heard it until I downloaded it the other day out of curiosity, and listening to it just puts a smile on my face, because it fits her philosophy to a T. The playful drums and light, silky male voices may seems a little cheesy to some, but give Savage Garden credit for being able to put together a compelling pop song! Having studied biology in college, and currently studying to become a teacher, the seeming innocence of animals and children is something that she holds very close to her heart. The cynic would probably point out that animals in the jungle aren’t the most passive creatures in the world, but the spirit of the song is that animals are who they are without pretense, and children are much like that as well, because they haven’t learned to put on a face for other people yet. This is the spirit with which Lauren seems to live her life, and it is wonderfully refreshing to have a friend with whom I can be completely honest, and not worry about what she thinks of me, because she will always be there for me.
I’m a Believer – Smash Mouth (Shrek Soundtrack, 2001)
I thought love was more or less a giving thing
But the more I gave the less I got…
This funky cover of The Monkees’ classic always puts a smile on my face, even in my present situation. (Lauren actually mentioned this song once when I was down and out, wondering if my hoping to find true love was just a pipe dream, and she actually didn’t know it was a cover!) The verses describe a guy who has basically been kicked around and feels like he’ll never get his chance at love, and then BAM! The right woman comes along and he realizes his moping around was all for naught. Sure, it’s cheesy, as most oldies are, but then, perhaps we just think it’s cheesy because we live in a very jaded age. I’ll admit it – I criticize songs all the time for being insipidly happy, but there’s still some element of reality to unbridled happiness. Lauren told me that when she broke up with her last boyfriend back in high school, she listened to a lot of love songs, and still does. Most people would be driven crazy by that, but it was her way of reminding herself that “he” was still out there. I’ve started to take her advice, and it’s been a blast going over this collection of songs that look back over our friendship, as well as forward to whoever “she” may be.
Lauren may not be “the one”, but I have to figure: How great is “the one” gonna be when she finally shows up? It’s a safe bet she’ll be a lot like this great friend who I’ve known for six of the most formative years of my life, and despite my feeling that “unrequited love” is my middle name and that it’s never hurt as much as it has sometimes when I think about Lauren, I know I can’t be anything other than thankful for what this friendship has taught me. People ask me sometimes, “Have you told her how you feel?” Sure I have – four years ago, and I don’t expect anything to have changed since then. I’m glad to have her here, as a compass to keep me on track, a pointer to the one who is truly meant for me. Forgive me for being criminally cheesy, but that’s how I feel, and that’s what this “Colossal Crush” means to me.
If you’ve got a “Colossal Crush” to sound off about, or a series of romantic blunders to muse about, or pretty much any other related situations for which you can find loosely related songs and explain to us how they’re related, then by all means, Email flamepillar and tell him you want in!
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