"Boat" Length? It Will Be Hard Finding A Port (diverpam's Hard_To_Please Love Fest)
Sep 07 '01
The Bottom Line The easiest way to write like Hard_To_Please is to steal from him. The sentences marked with numbers are from the reviews cited below.
After years of perseverance, I've achieved two landmarks. I bought a new car recently and I just mastered an ancient form of Zen in which my body speaks for itself, each part answering the questions that relate to it. It would be only natural to combine the two, but unfortunately the first question someone asked me is Should I Circumcise My Child? She said she wanted a male perspective. I had to get out of there before my body's new Zen could kick in and Hard_When_Pleased could shoot its mouth off.
But I wanted to be helpful. I decided to do some research and then get back to her. Fortunately, I know where to look. I belong to Epinions and have developed an unhealthy obsession with doing extensive amounts of consumer research before making a buying decision. (1) Except this is more like a giving away decision. What the hell. Maybe Epinions can help with those too.
But first I fixed myself a drink. (I worked that in just to see if it's true that Epinions won't let us say cocktail.) (2)
Then I logged on to Epinions.com and asked What Should I Know About Circumcision? But the damnedest thing happened. The powerful Epinions search engine, which had never failed before, seemed to come close to failing this time. The first option offered is What Should I Know About Seating Capacity? I can't predict what Junior plans to do with it when he's older, but circumcised or not, seating capacity doesn't seem like it should ever be a problem. It hasn't been for me, not that I'm bragging or anything.
Next, Epinions offered What Should I Know About Aerodynamics? Closer, but the advice there didn't apply to the kind of aerodynamics we're talking about. And What Should I Know About Boat Length? is no help either. It turns out that boat is one of only twelve words in English that haven't ever been used as euphemisms for penis.
Stumped I was. It appears that no one on Epinions has ever offered advice about circumcision. Maybe that shouldn't surprise me. It's a site for advice about consumer products. It didn't help in this case, but I know I'll be able to count on Epinions if I ever want guidance on buying a do-it-yourself kit.
I saw one of those once in a supermarket, before the manager asked my Southern French hooker friend and me to leave. The instructions on the box warned that careful use is required to avoid removing too much or too little. But there was the added assurance that it's unlikely you'll suffer any of those embarrassing fates unless you happen to be both morbidly obese and blind drunk when you decide to go all the way. (3)
So I couldn't bone up on the subject. I'd have to play it by the skin of my teeth. What, you didn't think I was going to say teeth? What else could I say? What? What is going on in your minds? Now all of you get the hellout - this conversation is over! Freaks! (4)
But before I could go back and discuss the matter with the woman who asked the question in the first place, I had to do something to keep Hard_When_Pleased quiet. I thought many hours of foreplay would be required to achieve a few minutes of delight. (5) Not exactly. I am ashamed of this dirty little secret and feel somehow cheapened after doing the deed, but I don't think I'm the only one who has snuck in a quickie every now and then. (6)
Initially in our conversation I was a little nervous. I kept avoiding looking at her directly. It got so bad my head used that talking-body-parts-Zen thing and admonished me for where I was looking instead. It told me to look at her face because that's where her thoughts and words were coming from. My head told me that while men may spend a lot of time thinking about them, bras have never really demonstrated much thought capacity of their own. (7)
Eventually we both relaxed. She became comfortable enough to ask whether circumcision can hurt. I stifled the urge to say Well, Duh and instead assured her that when this happens, it does seem to be a major crisis, but like child-birth you forget the pain when things are back to normal. (8) But my final advice was for her and her husband not to circumcise their son. I told her that someday their son will be lying in his hammock enjoying the shade and tranquility of their gift and recalling that they are the ones who made it possible. (9)
She seemed relieved. But then she and her husband decided to go ahead with the procedure anyway. They muttered something about wanting their son to be like his father. I decided not to ask why it's so important for the boy to be a bitter, drunk accountant who's losing his hair and cheating on his wife.
Instead, we discussed how they could find the right person to perform the procedure. They each have a brother and I suggested that maybe their brothers could offer some suggestions. They said they always imagined they could turn to their brothers for guidance, but the brothers are dolts and it hasn't turned out that way. I know what they mean. I know the difference between fantasy and reality and it's probably not as much fun as I imagine to have your own set of easily accessible boobs. (10)
I don't know anyone who could perform the procedure, but I tried to stress the importance of selecting the right person. I didn't want them to make my mistake. I looked around but couldn't find anyone suitable. Eventually my neighbor gave me a basic joystick, but it has only been of minimal help in controlling the game. (11)
I was afraid that might be too subtle. So I told them that if they picked the wrong guy, their son might end up with three inches of hot-dog shaped, hairless, wrinkled, pink flesh and seeking companions with powerful jaws willing to let it into their tunnels. (12)
They thanked me for my sage advice and left. But then she came back after a few minutes, alone. She was afraid that no matter how she and her husband handled it, her in-laws would disapprove. I assured her that if their demanding attitudes finally pushed her over the edge, she is perfectly justified in setting massive fires to their homes or directing a killer tornado into their smug little lives. (13)
She was relieved to hear that. She thanked me and said she had to go check on her husband. He wasn't feeling well after a party he'd attended the night before.
I told her I understood where he's coming from. It's too bad the sheep missed the orgy. (14)
__________
(1) and (4) Head To Toe EX Experience
http://www.epinions.com/content_25776983684
(2) and (7) Who Says News Has to be Boring?
http://www.epinions.com/content_9755856516
(3) and (5) Arch Madness
http://www.epinions.com/content_15805681284
(6) I Love You Guys
http://www.epinions.com/user-review-4EEA-75F214-38C9C646-prod2
(8) Compromises Worth The Price
http://www.epinions.com/cmd-review-7385-522B117-386383BE-prod1
(9) I Think I Shall Never See
http://www.epinions.com/gift-review-1F95-96C30D3-386E7D42-prod1
(10) Vulger & Abhorrent: Deviant Epinions' Members Only
http://www.epinions.com/webs-review-5D7-B5890D4-3A381FD0-prod1
(11) FORGIVE ME LARA!
http://www.epinions.com/cmd-review-3868-9C99C86-386F6C69-prod1
(12) A Sex-Filled Day for the Entire Family
http://www.epinions.com/content_32550850180
(13) Create Your Own Urban Empire
http://www.epinions.com/cmd-review-71A8-F57BE67-38769065-prod3
(14) Drunken Epinions' Comments (Part 1)
http://www.epinions.com/user-review-3A07-6F2BAA4-397938E9-prod1
(15) Is That A Sock in Your Pants Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?
http://www.epinions.com/content_20494192260
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This is an entry in the write-off organized by diverpam to raise money to help Hard_To_Please, aka our friend Mark. All funds raised in this write-off will be donated to Mark to aid in his cancer treatment. diverpam says we should say, "We love you, Mark," but I'm going to leave it with a more manly, "Dude you're cool. Get well soon!"
The Web page for the write-off is at:
http://interlinediscounts.com/write-off.htm
If you wish to mark contributions you may do so by going to http://www.paypal.com and sending money to Mark's account -- dude4u@netzero.net
Or, you can send donations to him at the following address:
Serious Business
Attn: Mark
P.O. Box 852
O'Fallon, MO 63366
Agreeing to participate in a Write-Off with the members listed below is amazingly similar to removing a large sock from your underwear--- both lead to feelings of total inadequacy when you’re done. (15)
jankp; jkkelley; 29th Candidate; Sunkah; Dr_Steph;
bwyckoff1; jo.com; AinsleyJo; Lady Cynic; frazzledspice;
mcmaster; Roxymarie; LordAngel; sherrylee; brendametcalf;
pambo; NoMattrWht; Sordid-1; nwinston; SLOW; Suzer;
Biggs219; melissasrn; MattJoe; ifif1938; DiverPam;
GinaHill; grandgram; Hikini; pogomom; bops_mom;
purplewiz; movielover123; repulsemonkey; Redhotleigh;
gonow; hypotenuse; blackcat2; mkp51; Kevlog;
flamepillar; PSobel; Taurusmoon; nathsmom; daddieo;
Zenhues; cldoss; 2buzy; Lizf; gransurfer1; Deaser26;
Auldbawl1; Michiman1; prfstars; BARNZ; fransbebe;
Granniemose; ggrimes1221; ginzo; michealhead;
Arthur.Rubin; lisa_j; cripper; Hadassahchana; teddiec;
mtbat; momsworkinlate; viper1963; dragonfire88;
Linda1527; Tums Ultra; jgibson2; Pamelita3099;
MaryTara; msmorvay
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Thanks to Cindy (hadassachchana) for so much, including her generous encouragement about this piece.
And it's not a true Hard_To_Please review without at least one urination reference: I hope Mark isn't p!ssed that this review lacks quotation marks ("curly things that protect against plagiarism charges").
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Epinions.com ID:
eplovejoy
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 - Top 500 |
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Member: Peter William Warn
Location: Buffalo, New York
Reviews written: 351
Trusted by: 304 members
About Me:
Help us compile the definitive list of groundbreaking movies: http://www99.epinions.com/content_5192196228
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