Raising teenagers that have been sexually abused!
Jul 09 '02
The Bottom Line Remember recovery from child sexual abuse is an on-going process.
I hope you never have to accept the traumagenic states associated with raising teenagers. Traumagenic states are emotional conditions that have their origins in traumatic experiences. Dealing with the sexual abuse of a child is painful and difficult. Although I’ve done over 1000 child abuse investigations, as a father I had not idea of the impact and ramifications sexual abuse would have on raising teenagers. The impact of the sexual abuse my daughters suffered for two years at the hands of their stepfather was tremendous.
Fortunately as a Social Worker I was able to examine some of the specific dynamics of my children’s situation and assess the likelihood of the psychological issues that awaited me. Unfortunately the negative behavioral manifestations they presented left me confused and hurt.
The first major hurtle I had to address with both girls was the issue of “self blame”. Children blame themselves for almost everything that happens to them. Although both of my daughters parroted the, “We understand it’s not our fault” slogan in reality they both blamed themselves for the two years of abuse they suffered. Regardless of a child’s age, they often feel the need to please their parents. Even intelligent adults who have been sexually abused as children often experience an overwhelming shame when it comes to revealing childhood abuse. It takes a long time even for adults to understand that they are not responsible for being victimized as a child.
Parents must help their child understand in mind, heart and soul that being victimized was not their fault! My daughters didn’t ask their 40-year-old stepfather to have inappropriate relations with them.
Even though my daughters were now safe, living with me both of them were afraid and held on to the powerlessness they experienced at the hand of their stepfather, and it was this feeling that expanded to become their self-image.
It’s important that parents help their child recognize that they have power and choices, and that their powerlessness as victims does not extend to other areas in their lives. My oldest daughter who just turned 16 became openly defiant and didn’t want to go to school, she acted as if she had given up. Once, one of the brightest and most promising students in school, she now was making F’s and cutting class.
The losses sustained by sexually abused children are tremendous. Not only did my teenage daughter have to handle the ordinary teenage issues, they also had to face the fact of being abused, and betrayed by their own mother. The betrayal and my daughter’s loss of trust disrupted the very foundation of their teen development. It’s still hard for me to believe that their mother stood idly by and watched them be abused by their stepfather.
Betrayal by a caregiver is translated into “I am no good, I don’t deserve better treatment.” If a child can’t trust that their caregiver will protect them, she cannot help feeling that literally no one in the world can be trusted. Not even me, who fought tooth and nail to get them out of the situation. My teenage daughters had naturally built emotional fortresses, which could not be infiltrated. I did the best I could in helping them deal and cope with the loss and betrayal as they sobbed in my arms day after day. Coping with loss includes a lot of grieving for what happened to them.
I would never wish this nightmare on any parent! Children who have learned that they are of special value as sexual objects, who have been taught to behave in ways that are provocative to those who sexually exploit them, often become eroticized.
During a visit with their Aunt & Uncle, my oldest daughter attempted to come on to her Uncle. My brother was frantic, and did not know what to do, he didn’t know that eroticized children sometimes engage in sexually provocative behavior.
My oldest daughter also became destructive, sabotaging my car and stealing. It was extremely difficult to manage her increasingly self-destructive behavior.
Initially I had no idea of the severity and damage of the sexual abuse my daughters had suffered until I read the states complete report. Their stepfather admitted that he sexually abused both children and was charged with sexual abuse. Their mother finally admitted that she was aware of what was going on and failed to report or protect the children and was charged with neglect. Finally, the professional therapist and Deputy Juvenile Officer recommended that my daughters be taken out of my home and placed in residential treatment.
I’m glad my daughter’s finally confided in me that they were being sexually abused, and fortunately help was there for them, but I really miss the two bright eyed children I once called my “little girls”, and can’t shake the feeling that we’ve all been robbed somehow.
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