Masquerade Ball W/O, I Am Her
Oct 21 '02
The Bottom Line When you don't understand another, look through their eyes.
I don't know why in the world I agreed to participate in this Masquerade W/O First I do not like Halloween or anything associated with it. I have never gotten dressed up and only once (briefly) attended a masquerade/costume party. All that aside I did accept the challenge, and have given the subject much thought.
My initial idea of who I might want to be for a day, went from God, Judas Iscariot, to Mother Theresa. I feared choosing one of these might suggest I was looking for power or notoriety. Which is far from the truth. I wanted to pick someone I could learn from, lessons that held some meaning for me. At any rate the above suggestions I deep sixed, and after much talk and bantering with Susidee on some issues, it came to me on my own who I would be. So Susi knows because we spoke about it, and to my best knowledge there is one other, that will know this person, before this review is a quater read.
I do not plan on divulging my identity, after all this is a masquerade W/O perhaps with clues throughout the review, you the reader may understand who I am. Feel free to leave guesses, just so you understand NO PRIZES AWARDED
This masquerade party is a full twenty-four hours, with each eight hours representing twenty-five years. So over the course of this review I will change who I am but will remain who I am! Ready? Let's begin.
Hours 1- 8 (first 25 years)
I was born into a working class family, no silver spoons, no free rides. I had one older sibling, who was the apple of Mother's eyes. We adhered to a strict religious affiliation, as my Father was a convert into Catholicism, and very devout. My sister and I attended parochial school, until high school.
I was considered the class clown, I loved being the center of attention. Not because it made me feel superior, but it made me feel needed, appreciated, loved. I just want people to like me. School was fun, and it gave me time, away from her blank expression. What did I do wrong?
Hours 9-16 (years 25-50)
Family bonds were strong, the depression was under way, where hard work and little pay was the norm. I was active in both sports and academic curriculum. In high school I was the head cheerleader, had many suitors, maintained excellent grades, but never could measure up in the eyes of Mother, to an older sister that took part in nothing, and had grades that just got her through. I don't recall being jealous, and as adults she was my best friend.
As high school came to an end, I met and fell in love with a quiet man. A naval officer, a man of honor and family pride. We married and I was chosen as bride of the month. The company bought my gown in exchange for photo exclusives and ad promotions. I was on cloud nine, but the facial expression on Mother's face seldom changed.
After two years of marriage I was pregnant with my first child of four. God blessed me with a son. A mild boy, as was his Father, but did not share his Fathers love of puttering. Instead of being captain of the football team, he was captain of the debate team. He was more like me a talker. He, if not shared my zany ways, he did indulge them. My eldest was an excellent student, working his way up, and working for whatever he got. When grown he turned out just like his Father. The ideal child for any Mother, very easy going and seldom challenged authority. We held a special bond. It was easy, he made it easy being a Mother.
My second child, was everything the first was not. Stubborn, treated school as a life sentence without parole. Was always causing neighbor parents to bang on my door inquiring what I could do about the disturbances this child caused. It seemed to me that she had no person in her life but her Father. He was indeed her rock. She shared his love for sports and adored just hanging out with him. I never could understand their bond, yes I felt the pain of jealously. But she was such a difficult child.
Child three was a carbon copy of child one. Yet this one was far more void of needing anyone. I think he was born self-sufficient. We shared a closeness, because he too indulged my need for center stage. He would easily climb up on that podium right beside me. He was a moody child, hard to figure out, but we did have a bond that lasted till my death.
Along comes baby number four, a third son. He had more tendencies of my second born, yet he would play my games. He earned his Fathers approval by being a jock. He was adored by his sister and many have said they were cloned. But, unlike his sister, he allowed me inside once in a while.
The time finds me now with my oldest in college, my second at a very difficult time (sweet sixteen), and the two youngest in school. I am weary and bored, I don't know what I want. My job as Mother is drastically reducing and changing. I once again feel the need to be on stage. I no longer felt I was in the limelight, an important place for my self-esteem. So I filed for divorce, from a man (I knew I would always love) and remarried shortly after the divorce was final. For I could not live alone, I needed recognition, and acceptance.
Hours 16-24 (years 50-75)
As our hours, so, too, the years are on the downside. I guess the deep recesses of my mind knows this. The years have made me slower, I suffer from minor health issues. Once my home was my castle, it was my signature, showing I was a good wife and mother. Now, housework takes a back-seat to my living in the past.
I live now, remembering the past and regretting the choices I made. Somehow I can rationalize my existence. I still long to be in the limelight but I have less to offer. No great cheerleader figure, no children to raise, no job, little out of home exposure.
I don't see this as something I have control over. My children live far away, and the one that lives the closest is the one I feel the most distance from. Loving my children is something I never questioned though they may have. My days are long and my nights longer. I am afraid to go out because I have fallen, and I am more paralyzed by fear than reality. My children worry, and want me to get a cane, but pride will not allow it.
This world had blessed me with four children, five grandchildren that I was able to see and hold in this world, one great grandchild, and a new granddaughter was born, on the first anniversary of my death. They are all beautiful for now I can see all the things I missed in life. I can see my failings and my successes.
I said at the beginning of this review, that I wanted to be someone who could teach me some lessons and give validation to me on a personal note. By being this person for one day I have achieved that mission. Allow me to share what I learned, and if you are not interested now would be the time to click off this review.
By thinking and seeing through the eyes of this person, I have found out some interesting facts:
This woman spent her life seeking approval, acceptance, and unconditional love from her Mother. It was in part due to this deep seated unfulfilled need she became obsessed with, needing all eyes on her. She realized after the fact that she had that in the man she married. However, her emotional need was so strong that being the most in the eyes of one was not sufficient. She would rather be a big fish in a small pond than a small fish in a big pond.
So by making up stories of her death defying acts, loud fashions, and being a best friend to all, she failed the best friend of all, herself. She easily could return love (at least as she saw it) to people that made it easy. To those that went along never challenging her and playing her games. When someone came along that did not fit that mold she felt threatened and old wounds were opened.
Now, as I look at things through her eyes, (because today I am she) I feel a sadness. Not for what she was but for what she could have been. A very likable woman with her own style, but a style I see was mapped out for her early in life. A style she was unfortunately never able to conquer. A style she herself had adapted towards her daughter. She deeply cared about people, but because she allowed her parent tapes to control her life, she was unable to convey that love. Today, as her, I am able to see that love. And accept it in its purest form.
I want to thank Christina (arielssong) for inviting me to this W/O because it gave me the opportunity to be this woman for a day. See through her eyes, and truly for perhaps the first time in my life know this woman did love.
The following is a list of the other participants.
Artbyjude,Granniemose,Lambchops,Aliventiasylum,Mnehr,
Mattels, Matthew7,Susidee34,TheUnknown285,Kurt_ Messick,
29th_Candidate, and Arielssong our wonderful hostess.
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Member: Di
Location: Gastonia NC
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