Captain Disaster Episode Two - A Beta Burger
Aug 28 '03 (Updated Feb 21 '06)
The Bottom Line Second installment in the epic series (if 11 episodes can be counted as "Epic")...
Captain Disaster.
Episode Two.
"A Beta Burger".
Inside the single cabin inside the ship "Disaster Area" capable of life support (the others contained old science mags, for reasons best known only to George Harnet of the Ross 128 system), you would be able to find Captain Disaster playing one-dimensional chess with the ship's computer, Zero-bit. This may not seem an important piece of information to the everyday space
traveller, but then that's because it's not.
One-dimensional chess was a tremendously undemanding game invented by none other than that intrepid space traveller, Captain Disaster. The thing about it was, the first move always won the game. And there was only one possible move at the start of the game. And guess who made the first move in each game?
That's right.
On average, the Captain took about two hours per game. This was because he liked to give the impression that he was thinking about the move, and also because he usually fell asleep in the middle of pretending to be thinking about it. (The strain of even appearing to think, however unconvincingly, was a bit too much for him. What the effect would be if he actually thought about something is open to debate, but needless to say, it wouldn't be a pretty sight...)
Many people have wondered how he managed to become a Captain and have his own ship in the first place. In fact the answer is very simple. It is due to him having huge amounts of money, which was inherited from his great-grandfather, who had made a fortune selling Hexlumc eggs to the people of Tau Ceti, who used
the oblong-shaped eggs as snooker balls. (The Hexlumc is a bizarre type of bird found only on planets with a methane atmosphere, which therefore makes them ideal as toilet-cleaners in pubs).
Anyway, back to the plot. (What plot?) Captain Disaster had, as fans of the series (there are two of these creatures known to be in existence… one is myself, the author, and the other is Albert, my imaginary friend) well know, just had his ship re-fitted. So it was a trifle disconcerting (or, a disconcerting trifle) when his ship came under attack from some pirates. He remembered the last time pirates had attacked him; it had actually made him very glad to be married, which was something he had never been before, so that had to be a good thing. The pirates had said, "Your money or your wife!", and he'd said, "she's yours!", and teleported her over straight away. They probably regretted it now, but Captain Disaster didn't.
This time, however, the message was clearer. "Give us lots of dosh now or die a horrible, slimy death at the feet of the hideous Gorblgruncher of the Sirius system! Or, even worse, be forced to sit helpless, tied up, eyelids glued open and head fixed immovably towards the screen, while you watch the most
horrifying scene in the universe; re-runs of Westminster Live! Ha ha!"
Captain Disaster was at a loss (as usual), but Zero-bit had his thinking cap on that day. "We haven't got lots of money, but we do have something even better!", he declared. "What can possibly be better than wads of cash?", came over the reply.
"We can give you a... I shudder to say it... a HAMBURGER!"
That didn't go down too well on the other ship. "Captain Disaster, we don't eat swine!"
Captain Disaster wondered how they could live if they didn't eat, and how they knew his nickname at school was "swine". (This was, in fact, due to certain disgusting eating habits he had, but we won't go into that right now.)
"Sorry, did I say ham? I meant beef." Zero-bit was desperately trying to be a hero, rather than a zero-bit. Which was sad in a way, because you should be proud of what you are, even if you're a dung beetle. I mean, where would we be without dung beetles? Piles of cow pats lining the walkways, an avalanche of dung falling in on top of you when you open the door in the morning...dreadful thought, isn't it? So, then, join the campaign to save our dung beetles! RSPDB has a rather good ring to it, doesn't it? No, thought not. Slight hysteria setting in here, sorry. I'll get back to the story now. Honest. Promise.
Speaking of dung beetles, what about the slug? Where would we be without.............................
(Several hours of gibberish later....)
"Oh, BEEF! In that case, we'll let you live if you teleport it over in five seconds."
Zero-bit wasn't actually such a zero-bit as we all thought. He (it?) teleported the burger over. A few seconds later, there was a great explosion as the pirate ship blew up.
"What happened?", asked the bewildered, bedazed, beheaded Captain.
"Well", started Zero-bit, sounding extremely smug, "the thing about those beef burgers is that they're from Beta Hydra. And the thing about the cows in Beta Hydra is that they are unable to pass wind, due to an unfortunate genetic accident by the scientists there, which has sealed off part of their bodies
that shouldn't really be sealed off. So they actually store all of the methane that they produce. When they're made into beef burgers, the methane is usually drained out. But the sort you buy, the really cheap and nasty ones, haven't had the methane drained out of them very well. Or more often they haven't had the methane drained out of them at all. So when the pirates tried to cook the burger...."
"But what about when you cook them? Why don't they blow up then?"
"Um, well I don't actually cook them. I just put the light on in the microwave, and turn the table around. You've never noticed the difference."
"You little slimeball! And why did you never tell me about this before? Is that why I can hear those bursts of static every time I eat one of those things? Is that you laughing?"
(A long pause.)
"Yes, that is quite funny, I find."
(Another pause.)
"Did I ever tell you exactly what they put in that drink you like from Alpha Centuri?"
Copyright 2000 Dave Seaman
Click here for Episode 1: The Planet Eater of Acturus
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Read my review of
Red Dwarf Series 1-4
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