Epinions Match Game '03!!
Sep 10 '03
The Bottom Line This is what happens when you watch too many old game shows on the Game Show Network..........if you don't get the references, I'm very sorry!
It’s time to match the stars!
toospoiled
Brett Somers
Charles Nelson Reilly
millinocket
Richard Dawson
And jankp!
As we play the big money Epinions Match Game 03!
(applause)
And here’s the star of Epinions Match Game 03....... Gene Rayburn??
(a sudden shock from both the panel and the audience as they witness a game show host, dead for the past four or five years, suddenly enter the stage as if he had always been alive, hosting game shows.)
Yes! It’s me! (does a silly march around the stage) I bet you never thought that I’d be hosting Match Game again!
Charles: Well, nothing really surprises me, Gene...... it’s been thirty years and I’m still sitting on the same corner beside Miss Senility over here, so anything is possible.
Brett (playfully): Oh, shove it! You’re just jealous because nobody ever wanted to kiss you!
Richard (in a smart-alecky voice, toward Brett): Nobody ever wanted to kiss you either.
(Mock offense from Brett)
Gene: Now, now, children; my big return and we’re already wasting time as usual. Well, it seems that a miracle has just happened. It turns out that besides reviving old game shows, the Game Show Network is also reviving old game show hosts! Bill Cullen, Burt Convy and Allan Ludden are thawing out backstage.......
Charles: That would explain a lot of things. How Bob Barker has managed to stay on the air this long, for one.......
Gene: ..... in any case, I think that their experiment is a little flawed because my memory seems to be quite selective. I recognize Brett, and Charles, and Richard. But who the hell are these people......?
Richard: Very lovely ladies I may add....
Gene: .... and you’re sitting between two of them, Richard! (wicked laugh)
millinocket: Don’t even think about it, Dick!
Announcer (enthusiastically): These three lovely ladies are popular writers on Epinions dot com!
Gene: Rod Roddy? What the hell are you doing here? Shouldn’t Johnny Olson be doing the announcing?
Rod Roddy (no change in his tone of voice): Game Show Network’s new policy does not extend to game show announcers!
Gene: Geez, this is getting weirder and weirder......... Okay, now here are our two contestants. Please introduce yourself, sir.
Contestant: My name is Merchant Shopper Account.
Gene: That’s a very unusual name. Is that Hungarian, by any chance?
Contestant: I have no identity, I have no home. I’m the unformed opinions of all people, in all places, who use all sorts of different products.
Gene: Jesus Christ, what have I gotten myself into? I hope that Convy doesn’t have these sort of contestants after he’s thawed out. And how about yourself, who are you?
Contestant No.2: Express Reviews
(pause, as Gene tries to decipher this situation)
Gene: and..... what do you do exactly?
Contestant No. 2: I ... work.... and I... um...
Gene: Well, explain yourself! Give us some real detail so we can make a decision about you! Or do you only speak in a minimum of twenty words?
Contestant No. 2: Way cool, man, like this show is the greatest! You rock!!!!
Gene: ...... yes, why.... um, thank you very much. Anything else you’d like to add?
Contestant No. 2: (clueless pause) Way wicked, man, like this show is the shizit! You da bomb!
Gene: I had no idea what the hell he’s just said. I’d hate to hear his answers! Anyhow..... First round question! Everybody plays!
Dumb Dora is so dumb!
(audience screaming in unison) How dumb is she!
Gene: She’s so dumb that instead of reading Very Helpful reviews from terrific Epinions authors, she blanks them! (music begins as panel banters, writes answers, etc)
Brett: Wha... what was that again? I didn’t quite understand!
Gene: (walking up to Brett , holding the question card) Dumb Dora is so dumb that instead of reading Very Helpful reviews, she blanks them.
Brett: (mouth open, eyes frowning in confusion) I still don’t quite understand? Very Helpful?
Gene: I never thought that I would say this, but this is the first time that even I don’t understand the question.
Brett: You mean you don’t get it either?
Gene: Nope. I do not. This is the dumbest question I’ve ever read in my life..... just... just write something down.......
Okay, everyone is finished. Merchant Shopper; Dumb Dora was so dumb, that instead of reading Very Helpful reviews, she blanks them..........
Contestant 1: She... writes them??
(The audience boos so loudly that it drowns out Gene’s voice.....)
Well, it’s only his first time, and the first round questions are always vague....... (walking up to toospoiled) Toospoiled, what did you say?
toospoiled: Well, darling, I have seen some Dumb Doras in my day, and I said that “She revenge rates them!”
Gene: Interesting answer, toospoiled. I have no idea what it means, but ... interesting answer.......How about you, Brett?
Brett: Now I didn’t quite understand the question; I was going for something a little different. (holding up two or three cards) At first, I wanted to say that she writes them too, but that didn’t make any sense, so I decided on “she tears them up”!
(audience boos loudly again)
Gene: Apparently, Epinions is on some newfangled invention called the internet, which can be transmitted via a computer.... so it would be very difficult to tear up a computer, I think! Charles?
Charles: It wouldn’t be difficult to tear up one of those things if you’re a cranky old harpy like Brett over here! (Brett laughs) Anyway, Gene, I know I’m going to have the only intelligent answer of the evening when I say that she buys up the company and shuts those voices down! (more audience booing) They just don’t respect my genius, Gene.
Gene: No they don’t.... anyway, Millinocket, what do you have?
Millinocket: I said that she makes immature comments in the comment section!
Gene: This is getting more confusing by the moment........ Richard?
Richard (expectant pause, before using a comical voice) : She tinkles on them!
(the audience laughs and whoops it up over such a “shocking” answer, even though Richard has given similar answers over the years)
Gene : now that would be a real mess..... and how about you, jankp?
Jankp: This was an easy one --- she writes a Shopper Account review that is rated Not Helpful by Epinions users, and is read by noone, so the public never has to read anything by Dumb Dora!
Gene: (confused) Well.... no matches for you. We’ll see how Express Reviews gets along.........
Dr. Freudine said! Now this is Dr. Freudine here....... I have a very weird patient. If I ask him to stick out his tongue, he sticks out his blank! (music plays while panel banters, decides answers, etc.)
Gene: Millinocket, isn’t there anything that you’d like to plug?
Millinocket: Whatever do you mean?
Gene: Well, I mean, all of our irregular and semi-regular panelists usually have something to plug... you know, like a movie, or a TV show. Surely, you must be somewhere on the CBS schedule.
Millinocket: No, no, I’m not. I’m just a cool soccer mom from Wisconsin.
Gene: Are you sure, now? Anyway..... everyone’s finished....... so Dr. Fruedine said, I have a very weird patient, if I ask him to stick out his tongue, he sticks out his blank.
Contestant 2: Uh.... um....... YOU ROCK!!
Gene: Is... is that your answer?
Contestant 2: Yea, yea!! YOU ROCK!!
Gene: I know that CBS doesn’t permit this word to be broadcast but.... but ........ F*CK! There, now that I got that out of my system...... toospoiled?
toospoiled: I said that he sticks out his pocketbook! (wild cheers from the audience)
Gene: Wow, that is a truly terrific answer!! How about you, Brett?
Brett: I don’t like these sorts of questions! They aren’t... intelligent enough!
Gene: Oh, I know, I know......
Brett: .... but I ended up saying that he sticks out his belly button! (More audience boos)
Gene: Now that’s a very logical answer.... what a raucous crowd tonight. Charles?
Charles: I said that he sticks out a third hand because he’s an alien! (More boos)
Gene: That’s from our intellectual in the panel this evening. How about you, millinocket?
millinocket: I said that he sticks out his middle finger! (wild cheers from the audience)
Gene: Maybe we ought to replace the old guard and keep the new kids on the block! Unless Richard can restore my faith in him!
Richard: It could be difficult! I said his belly button!
Gene: You copied, didn’t you, Brett?
Richard: No... I copied her...... (more audience boos)
Gene: Wow, what a scandal!! Jankp?
jankp: I said that he sticks out his penis, which tells me that he is in serious need of some sex therapy!
(audience recoils in horror, Gene is taken aback)
Gene: Jan! I can’t believe you said that. We’re supposed to ask all of these leading questions, and knowingly snicker at them because we all know what the real answer is, but we have to be polite and give clean answers. You’re not supposed to give out the obvious answers!!
jankp: I think that you’re repressed. I think that you need to get your fools out, and just let everything flow out.
Gene: I think I need to get these fools out!
*
(time passes. Both contestants are too stupid to supply an answer to the questions for the second round, which necessitates a tiebreaker. But, again, the contestants are so clueless that they play tiebreaker after tiebreaker, to no avail. The cameras have taped enough footage that they are already to Friday’s edition, with the same two contestants vying for a win.....)
Gene: Where the hell are we now? Oh, we’re at this intense score of zero-zero.... at this rate, this show will be on another ten years before we get a winner........
millinocket: (to Richard) Why are you staring at me?
Richard: No reason, it’s just that all the new lovely contestants of the female persuasion gets a kiss from me, for luck, you understand, nothing else.
millinocket: Well, I’m already taken, so you’ll have to find somebody else.
Richard: Ooo, feisty, aren’t we? How about you, darling? (looking up to toospoiled)
toospoiled: You already tried it before, and you’re not getting your paws on me again.
Richard: (stammering, trying to be endearing) I... I don’t know what you mean, I’ve never seen you before in my life, darling.
toospoiled: Sheesh....... I didn’t want to say it, because I’m too polite to spread gossip. But, do you remember that essay I wrote in the Writer’s Corner, for Mimi369’s underwear write-off? Well, the essay was about a really bad date, with a drunk groper who didn’t understand the word “no”. That man.... was Richard Dawson.
(a gasp from the audience; Richard looks shocked, before he attempts to brush it off)
millinocket: So you’re Mr. Octopus man!!
Richard: I can... I can explain, my dear.
jankp: Hasn’t anyone ever told you that you needed sex therapy. I mean, what’s with all the kissing of the female contestants. Why did you need a television show, a game show called Family Feud, at that, to express your confused longings? What are you trying to express? What are you trying to give to them?
toospoiled: Probably cold sores.
Richard: What is all this hostility??? I was only wanting to give you a little luck. That’s why I kiss all the ladies, just for luck.
toospoiled: I think you just wanted to get lucky. All you gave me was a need to scrub my mouth out with sandpaper!
Richard: I don’t believe this!
millinocket: Believe it, bud!
toospoiled: What to do with men like you? Survey Says!! (she swats Richard over the head with her purse) Bang!!
Richard:(shouts in agony) Ouch! That bloody hurts!
millinocket: You were lucky that time! She could have kneed you in the crotch!
Richard: At least she’s on the upper panel and I'm down here on the lower one. So that’s a relief.
millinocket: But, guess what? I’m on the lower panel too! (she knees him in the crotch)
Richard: (in agony) That was the second best part of me! (he awkwardly gets off of his chair and leaves the panel)
Charles: I’ve been waiting for this moment for thirty years! (snickers wickedly)
Gene: (sarcastically) Oh come on, Richard. Smile for the audience, please! We won’t stop the show until you smile!!
Richard: (frantic, in the throes of madness) No, I won’t fall for that trick again! I had enough of this poor excuse for a television program! Hogan’s Heroes was more in touch with real life than any of you losers! I know what your problem is, and I don’t need any Dr. Freudine to assist me! Your problem is that you’re jealous! Jealous, I say!! Nobody ever picked you for the Super Match.... they were all confident that my answer would match theirs, and they’d get the five-thousand dollars, while all of you sulked in silence.
That is, until you all cooked up the Conspiracy of 1978!! You know what I mean! The Star Wheel!! The contestant was forced to spin a wheel, which made the choice for them. There were a lot of bitter contestants during those last four years. And all because of petty jealousy. Because you weren’t me! Richard Dawson, Love God! (turns and sobs) I want my mommy!!
(stomps off the set)
Gene: .....well, now that that excitement is done....... it looks like time is called. And all I can say is that this is without a doubt the crummiest Match Game I’ve ever moderated in my entire career. Rotten contestants! Rotten questions! Rotten answers! Rotten audience! Rotten panel! I’m going back into the deep freeze for the next hundred..... what? You mean, we’re doing this next week? Oh, fine! (defeated, a mere shell of a man) Here’s Rod with the panel for next week’s show.......
William Shatner
dedemw
badkittyM
LoisLane05
29th Candidate
And Betty White!
Gene: Please, I implore you! Turn off your sets, talk to your family, visit your friends! Do anything! But don’t watch the next episode of Epinions Match Game 03!
This is Rod Roddy!! speaking for Epinions Match Game 03!
A David Goodson Todman Macdonald Production!
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Epinions.com ID:
DavidMac
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Member: David Macdonald
Location: Prince Edward Island
Reviews written: 612
Trusted by: 109 members
About Me:
Alice, a story in nine parts, posted on Sept 24, 2008 - http://www.epinions.com/content_5241348228
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