~Clutter~
Nov 22 '03
The Bottom Line -------------------------------------------------------
The pen in my hand is unsure
Hovering as it does above the white lines
Failing, apparently, to claim justice
Over the clutter of my soul
The clutter of my soul
Is more than a mere untidy corner
That can be simply tucked away from prying eyes
But rather a complete room
Not taken care of in a painfully long while...........
This disorder was assisted by others
Who I carelessly allowed inside
Who I naively permitted to take jurisdiction
Of my life...........
---- I ought to take all the blame however for what they left behind ------
you appeared in my life
like one who answered an urgent message
that I never sent.
you opened the door
your eyes peered around the edge
you asked to be let in
Why.....?
Why did I let you in......
when I ought to be aware of what could occur
when my surroundings were still unkempt, still bearing the damage from the past
..... maybe I’m a fool......
maybe you deserve better
than to be a witness to my disarray
maybe I deserve better
than to make you suffer with my self-pity and narcissistic misery
maybe you are here
for a reason
even in the eyes of someone who doesn’t believe in fate
or perhaps doesn’t want to believe it
---- so many maybes -----
but I want to believe in you
........ that evening
when we first made a connection
you drew out feelings that I never knew that I had
feelings
that lay dormant for a long while
my body was not equipped to withstand
those delicate sparks of intimacy
I fell ill
sleep was difficult to grasp
and yet I needed to return
to you
you bring me inside, and permit me to adore you
in my fragile, unsure, awkward way
I adored a mirror of my own fears that night
the truth between the words you spoke later on was loud, longing
you did not want to get hurt
you did not want to feel that you would make a mistake
to feel that you would dive in uncharted waters too soon
you thought
that my reaction to you had nothing to do with you
that I would feel the same if any woman were in your place
but any woman is not you
......... you came along
when I least expected anyone to do so
You came along
when nobody else could see
the things that I couldn’t see in myself
you tried to adjust my vision
to eradicate the blurriness
you’re not merely any woman
You came along
after my past was written
with the stories
of troubled friends
of petty jealousies
of lustful desperation
of peculiar behaviors
of a permanent impress upon one’s psyche
you are the first chapter of a new book
with an original lead character, and a fresh plot
she is a character
with a goofy sense of wit
a desire to appear joyful
to not saddle others with unnecessary worry or pain
she does things
from her own free will
she meets up with chances
yet allows them to set their own paths
she accepts the directions that they take...........
she desires to witness
the noble parts of humanity
her curiosity, her sweetness
draws out others from their self-imposed cocoons
she herself is noble
she does not feign friendliness or sweetness
like many others have
her heart is a well of affection
that she gives freely to those who deserve it, who need it
she does not seem capable
of being a fraud
with her gestures
her words
her body language
she is as true as any Truth
I read the text
and feel as if that character is real
standing aside me
speaking to me
saying to me that ”I’m real”
“not merely a wish, made from the sobs of a slighted slice of your soul
Sobs that can’t be articulated
to the world around you
or even to your own self.........”
“I’m real”
“I’m what you’ve always wanted
but didn’t know how to get.
I’m what you’ve always needed
but never knew that you did.......”
“maybe you still don’t know if your wish came true”
“maybe you’re still not sure”
“maybe I’m still not sure either.........”
“maybe I’m just as broken as you”
“maybe I’m just trying to find out what I want”
“maybe I’m just being silly.........”
“maybe you’re just assuming too much about me........”
“--so many maybes ---”
“but
maybe
I’m here
just to help you clean up
the clutter of your soul”
“to make you understand
that you deserved better than what you’ve had before
that you have to brush away the dust
throw away the rubbish of the past
and understand that there is more out there
than what you see around you.”
“maybe you want to love me
maybe you want to wake up beside me every morning
maybe you wish for me to be your soul mate
for ever.......”
“but that takes time, a lot of time”
“time that I need as much as you do..........”
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Epinions.com ID:
DavidMac
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Member: David Macdonald
Location: Prince Edward Island
Reviews written: 612
Trusted by: 109 members
About Me:
Alice, a story in nine parts, posted on Sept 24, 2008 - http://www.epinions.com/content_5241348228
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