Every Little Thing MFUNK75 Does is Magic (GTKY w/o - circle jerk edition)
Jan 10 '04 (Updated Jan 23 '04)
The Bottom Line The bottom line deserves to be mocked.
What have we here? Another masturbatory write-off on Epinions! This one is run by newbie SarahLovesAdam, a username for which capitalization is crucial lest we think she loves a certain recently captured dictator. Tired of all the self-love, Epinions’ sexiest soccer mom suggested we write about each other instead. Since I know everything there is to know about The Funkster, including some stuff I never wanted to know in the first place, I’ll answer these questions on his behalf.
Birth date: I think it’s sometime in January, 1975.
Height: Taller than me, but that’s not saying much.
Eye color: Up until last March, no one had ever seen Mike’s eyes since he hid them behind a pair of very dark glasses. But now you can see them in his profile pic. Don't be lazy! Go have a look yourself!
Hair color: Dark as night
What does your name mean: Michael was some type of angel in the Bible, I think, and the funk part describes his kickin’ dance moves. The Stone family was called Stonieszposnievsky in The Old Country, but it was changed when Mike’s great-great-grandfather wanted to pursue a career in masonry.
High school graduation year: Mike graduated several times, so he could act out that scene in "Say Anything."
Favorite relatives: John Stone because, as Mike’s father and his older brother, he’s the most versatile.
Summer memory: Meeting the foxy Dis for the first time, splashing around in a swimming pool in Las Vegas, and not seeing Gigli.
Favorite TV shows: Seinfeld, Blind Date, The Daily Show, Golden Girls, Three’s Company, American Idol, Talk Sex with Sue and that show on MuchMusic where people dance in the window.
What's on your mousepad: A star of David
In the car- ac or windows: Neither. He lives in Toronto. They have to use the heat even in the summer.
Do you believe in yourself: Oh, Mike’s real alright. I’ve touched him.
Favorite game: Strip Boggle
Favorite drink: White Russians, just like The Dude.
Favorite food: Samosas for one loonie, pad Thai, poutine.
Favorite colors: That’s colour for Canadians like Mike. He is appalled that Americans have bastardized the Queen’s English? And all these “favorites” should have a “u” in them, too. Horrifying! Oh, his favourite colour is red, like the maple leaf on his flag.
Favorite cigarettes: Mike takes care of his body and doesn’t smoke.
Favorite sounds: The crack of the bat and the thwack of a baseball hitting a mitt.
Favorite smell: Bacon frying. It’s so sinfully unkosher.
Favorite thing to do on a weekend: Watch movies, check out the view from atop the CN Tower, invent some new words, and participate in anti-war protests.
Favorite soundtrack: PCU featuring George Clinton and a cover of an Elvis Costello song.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years: Teaching some cute Canadian children and married to a schicksa.
First thought in the morning: “I really wish my neighbour’s kids would shut up!”
Do you get motion sickness: Not anymore, but when Mike was a kid, he threw up on the school bus and was known as “Ralphy McRalph” for the rest of elementary school.
Rollercoasters- deadly or exciting: Both! Deadly is exciting! They’re brodgy!
How many rings before you answer the phone: Answering the phone is beneath him. He lets his butler get it.
Are you a good friend: Yes, he didn’t make fun of me when I cried because Bush declared war.
Chocolate or Vanilla cake: Chocolate
What do you drive: A sturdy car made in Detroit.
Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Yup. A stuffed moose wearing a homemade t-shirt that says "I [mapleleaf] Canada."
Thunderstorms cool or scary: Terrifying. They make him cry.
If you could meet one person in the World, who would it be: Bill Murray
What is your zodiac sign: Mike doesn’t believe in crap like that.
What do you wear to bed: For this one, I’m just going to admit that I don’t know.
Do you eat stems of broccoli: Not liking broccoli is the one thing Mike agrees with George Bush about.
Guys- If a girl ever asked you for the shirt on your back, would you give it to her? Only if the girl gave him hers in exchange.
If you could have any occupation when you get older, what would it be: Retired
If you could dye your hair one color, what would it be: Bright orange
If you could have a tattoo, what and where would it be: A Canadian flag on his butt.
Favorite brand of gum: Cappuccino flavoured. You can only get that in Canada.
What is your favorite quote:
Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.”
Dr. Peter Flynn: “These are O.R. scrubs.”
Max Fischer: “Oh, are they?”
Have you ever been in love: Hell yeah!
What's on your walls in your room: Movie posters, letters from adoring fans, photos of Steve Buscemi, an inflatible moose head.
Is the glass half-empty or half-full: In the process of being filled.
Which do you prefer- Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos: Only ketchup flavored will do.
Favorite flavor Snapple: If it’s all “made from the best stuff on Earth,” they’re all the same, really.
Which one, Coke or Pepsi: Whatever’s cheaper
Which kind of milk is your favorite: Whole milk from Canadian cows.
If you were to kill someone, which method would you use? Forcing them to watch a Degrassi Junior High marathon.
Are you a righty, lefty, or ambidextrous: Righty
Do you type with your fingers on the right keys: Of course! The Canadian education system was very big on the importance of the “home row.”
When you meet a person of the opposite sex, you notice their: Nose, hair, and nose hair.
What's under your bed: Old issues of Sports Illustrated, baseball cards, and a lot of dust
What's the best number in the World: 1992, when the Blue Jays won the World Series
What is your dream car: The car from Back to the Future
Who is your biggest crush right now: Sue Johanson of Sex with Sue
Nickname: Mikey, Funkenstein, Funk-ster, C.J. (Canadian Jew)
School: Til the end of time, man
Bacon Bits or croutons: Mike’s love for bacon is well-known.
Favorite Salad Dressing: Poppy seed, which once made him fail a drug test.
Do you Drink: Drinking is the best way to numb the pain of a Canadian winter.
What type of Shampoo/Conditioner: Mike washes his hair with a homemade mixture of vinegar and canola oil. He steals mini bottles of conditioner from nearby hotels.
Have you ever been skinny dipping: Only in the shower
Do you make fun of people: Mockery makes life worth living.
Have you ever been convicted of a crime: Only fashion crimes
One pillow or two: I don’t know about any of these sleeping questions, people!
Pets: Nope, but plenty of pet peeves
Favorite Movies: Over 100 of them. See this link: http://www.epinions.com/content_3078004868
Favorite type of music: Canadian pop, C & C Music Factory because it reminds him of stripper_lime, classic rock, grunge, and Cher.
Hobbies: Biting his nails, searching for the perfect instant mac and cheese, ogling babes at Hooters.
Word or Phrase you overuse: “Aboot,” “eh?”
Toothpaste: Twice a day
Piercing or tattoos: I promised not to tell.
Do you get along with your parents: Usually, but Mike’s parents are hippy Luddites, so the elder son’s Internet addiction is a point of contention in the Stone household.
Favorite beer: Stella Artois on tap at Hooters
Favorite song at the moment: “Hey Ya” by OutKast. It’s taking over the world. Even Mike’s 90-year-old great aunt has been seen shaking it like a Polaroid picture.
Most humiliating moment: His nightmare Bar Mitzvah. First, Mike’s voice broke during his Torah portion. Then, his slutty cousin Sylvia ran up to the bema and tried to kiss the rabbi. At the reception, Mike was mortified to discover that he didn’t know the steps to the Electric Slide. He tried to get everyone to do The Chicken Dance but was mocked since it was passé even in 1988.
Favorite Holiday: It’s so much fun-ica to celebrate Chanukkah.
Fin
Participants in this mock write-off:
millinocket (host)
mfunk75
disinclined
hist
Beckytcy (me!)
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