Epinions Match Game 2004, Episode Four
Mar 27 '04
The Bottom Line The only one who will get all of these "jokes" is me!
Match Game 1- http://www.epinions.com/content_3500318852
Match Game 2 -http://www.epinions.com/content_3531907204
Match Game 3 -http://www.epinions.com/content_3606225028
If you want to know what the hell this Match Game is all about, check out these sites:
http://www.freewebs.com/matchgame/index.html
http://www.thermodynamic-online.com/mg/
Get ready to match the stars
toospoiled
Brett Somers
Charles Nelson Reilly
millinocket
Richard Dawson
and jankp
as we play the star-studded big money Epinions Match Game 2004!
.... and here’s the star of Epinions Match Game 2004, Gene Rayburn!!
GENE
Thank you, Johnny Olsen and friends.
Well, it looks as if we’re back for another year......
RICHARD
And it looks like I’mback for another year too!
(audience applauds, while millinocket grimaces)
GENE
It’s nice to have you back..... We apologize for not being back on the air sooner, but.. (sarcasm)..... our absolutely wonderful, not in the least bit incompetent producer, DavidMac, had these so-called “computer problems”, and he wasn’t able to get this show out on the date that he wanted to --- and then of course he had to “catch up” on everything else before this. So if some of the things that we talk about is six weeks out of date, don’t blame us.... blame him!
JANKP
You mean he’s still around? I thought he just dropped off the face of the earth all of a sudden.
MILLINOCKET
Nah, it was that record-breaking snowstorm that buried him. The weather is much warmer now......
GENE
Anyway, I’ve got some bad news for all of you. As you may very well know, there’s been many changes afoot here at CBS -- as this is all due to a little lady named Janet, who slipped out of her brassiere a few weeks ago at the Super Bowl......
TOOSPOILED
Christ, not this again.......
RICHARD
You mean there was a football game a few weeks ago......?
GENE
Yes.....
RICHARD
When?
GENE
On CBS?...... The Super Bowl?..... the biggest sporting event in America?
RICHARD
Well, I do remember watching CBS that night. And it was very strange. I thought that maybe it was bought out by the Spice Channel or something! There was some guy, who was so eager that he started to rip off the woman’s clothing. And the two people were pretty sweaty and worn out.... I thought that there was going to be some action... but then they cut to commercial. And as a protest against crass commercialism in smut, I shut off the television set.
GENE
Well, if you can direct your attention over here, it’s this new appliance called -- quite cleverly - the CBS Nanny.
(he points to a strange machine; the CBS eye logo plastered on the front appears oddly meanancing, almost as if it were alive, and watching like a self-righteous voyeur)
And as with any nanny, the CBS Nanny doesn’t like it when you do naughty things. But this is an extra-special nanny, because it doesn’t just nag you, it can violate all rules of space and time! The machine had a five second delay that can affect any program, so that if any gratuitous innuendoes were spoken, or if Brett Somers were to flop something out of her clothing, the CBS Nanny would be able to catch it just in time, and not allow the poor children and Middle America to suffer the indignity of free expression.
It would also not allow the Viacom shareholders to suffer the indignity of knowing that they also own such responsible and tasteful properties as MTV!
CHARLES
Gene, remember when CBS was owned by Westinghouse? There was nothing racy about refrigerators.
TOOSPOILED
Well, except for the ice cubes in the freezer.
(catcalls from the audience, while Charles laughs)
BRETT
At least Fannie Flagg isn’t here! If she fell out of her shirt, her buzz-zoms would fill up the whole screen!
GENE
Speaking of buzz-zoms, I have here a list of words that once I read them, will never be allowed on Match Game, or indeed any other CBS program, ever again......
Boobs
Bosoms
Breasts
Asp
Tinkle
Sheep Dip
Doo-Doo
Whoopie
Balls
BRETT
We didn’t have that problem with the network that aired us in the 1970’s... what was it again.....?
GENE
Uh....... it was CBS, Brett...... but back then, CBS would have ignored the cranks, instead of bending over backwards to make them happy........
CHARLES
This is such a shame. Dan Rather’s program is going to start looking awfully tedious now.........
MILLINOCKET
This whole thing has cast a chill over my show as well.....
GENE
You mean “Sue, the Six Million Dollar Soccer Mom”?
MILLINOCKET
Yes! We’ve had to censor ourselves too... because ... well the game of soccer involves one of those words on your list....
GENE
You mean (*beep*)
MILLINOCKET
Yes, I mean (*beep*). I mean, I can’t help it if I have to play with a (*beep*), and kick (*beep*)s around, and so on! I hate you, CBS.
GENE
We all hate CBS, who pay our bills and give us a reason to broadcast and.... so we all love CBS! (spreads his arms to the camera) Awww, don’t we love you, CBS? Yes, we do, yes we do. (he walks over to Camera One and starts to hug it) Oh, you CBS, you’re so uptight, but we love ya, we love ya, we love ya!
(Gene looks around, realizing how embarrassing he looks)
GENE
Okay... well.... well, how about we meet our contestants.......
(the turntable spins around, to reveal the two contestants sitting in their respective booths)
GENE
Okay, so tell us a bit about yourself....
CONTESTENT NO.1
(nervous)
My name... my name is Alfonso.......
(a very pregnant pause)
GENE
... that’s it?
ALFONSO (on the defensive)
..... wh.. what else do you want me to say? My name is Alfonso Gagliano! I... I come from Canada......
GENE (sly gesture to the audience)
I think this guy is hiding something.
ALFONSO
I’m not hiding anything! I’m not responsible for anything! “Most of all, I have paid the price of my honor and my dignity!!” I do not like these questions!
GENE (speaking to the producer)
Okay... who the hell is this guy? Uh huh........ a Canadian politician........ uh huh...... currently embroiled in one of the biggest corruption scandals in Canadian political history........ his department, along with a number of Crown corporations, was involved in the misuse of hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayers’ money........ funneled millions of dollars to private ad agencies; friends of the government who didn’t really deserve the money and who really didn’t do any work........
GENE (back to Alfonso)
Wow, you sound like quite an amazing fellow.
ALFONSO
I had nothing to do with it! “A minister does not run his department!”
GENE
That’s what I try telling the producers.... A game show host doesn’t host his game show... it’s all these celebrity dingbats that do that for me. I just take up space. But they insist that I keep the game flowing... and (yelling to the director) yes I know we haven’t started the game yet!! Okay, who are you, number two?
CONTESTENT NO. 2
My name is Todd Bertuzzi......
GENE
Oh, and what do you do?
TODD
Um..... I.... um, spend most of my time in .......Vancouver?
(Gene immediately steps over to speak to the producers yet again, and then steps back to face Todd)
GENE
You play for the Vancouver Canucks hockey team. You, as they say, “sucker-punched” Steve Moore of the Colorado Avalanche...... you broke two of his vertebrae on his neck, and gave him a concussion. You got suspended for the rest of the season. Wow, both of you guys are a barrel of laughs.
TODD
I’m sorry.. I’m so sorry (bawls uncontrollably) I apologize to all the children out there!
GENE
What a boob!
CHARLES
Indeed, a pair of boobs! Oh, I’m sorry, CBS!
GENE
Okay.... first question........
Weird Willie was so weird!!
How weird was he?
Well, I’ll tell you, he was so weird that when he talked about what happened during the Super Bowl the next day with his friends he talked about blank!
(the panel banter, and write down their answers)
GENE
Okay, Alfonso...... Weird Willie was so weird that when he talked about what happened at the Super Bowl, he talked about........
ALFONSO
“I cannot accept what I do not know.”
GENE
What.....!!???
ALFONSO
I don’t know anything abut what you are talking about........ I am not responsible for it.
GENE
I just want you to answer the damn question!
ALFONSO
“You are asking me to incriminate myself, and therefore I just won’t do that.”
GENE
This is a Match Game question, not a parliamentary committee......
ALFONSO
Okay, okay, okay..... I talked about the hot dogs, okay! But I am not responsible for that!!
GENE
Hot dogs.... decent answer, but probably not the definitive one..... toospoiled?
TOOSPOILED
I hate to say this, but ... the football game.....
GENE
You see, that was the answer I was hoping for....... Brett?
BRETT
Well, I said.... (holding up one card)... that he talked about those strange young men ... (holding up a second card).... in helmets and colored jerseys.... (holds up a third card)....who tackle each other and....(holds up a fourth card)..... throw a pigskin around.
CHARLES
Oh, just get to the answer, will you,Brett?
GENE
Football game again.....
CHARLES
I said that he talked about the cheerleaders that actually kept their clothes on during the entire match.....
BRETT
And he tells me to simplify my answer......
CHARLES
I still only used one card!
GENE
Millinocket?
MILLINOCKET
I actually made it simple.... football game!
GENE
Richard?
RICHARD
I said his wife.
GENE (laughing)
His wife??
RICHARD
Of course...... what sort of self-respecting macho football fan every pays attention to his better half during the Super Bowl?
GENE
Now, that’s a very logical answer!
TOOSPOILED
Those guys probably don’t even realize that they have wives or girlfriends......man, the stories I could tell about that......
GENE
Be careful.... (whispering conspiratorially) the CBS Nanny is just over there!!
TOOSPOILED
Oh, nuts to CBS.......
GENE
Okay, so how about you, Jankp?
JANKP
Me? Well, I thought that Weird Willie really was weird. He talked about making love to his wife!
TOOSPOILED
You sound like Dr. Freudine there.... are you sure you two aren’t the same person........?
JANKP
Hey, we all have our secrets...... I’ll never tell!
GENE
Okay, Alfonso..... nobody seems to have agreed with the answer to your question. Kind of reminds you when you were being grilled on the stand during the parliamentary inquiry, doesn’t it? (laughing wickedly)
ALFONSO
Damn it, Gene! I didn’t want to admit it.... but now I must. (smarmy, while trying to sound sad and regretful) I was at that Super Bowl, I really was! You see, back in January, I heard rumors that the Auditor General of Canada was going to make her report, and tell the entire country that my department was responsible for all of this missing money. So... I needed to distract myself from the humiliation. And so.... and so, the government paid for my trip to the Super Bowl.....
GENE
Well, that’s pretty bad.....
ALFONSO
You haven’t heard the half of it. You see.... the taxpayers paid twenty million dollars for my trip.
GENE
What?? For one guy to go to the Super Bowl.....
ALFONSO
Yes.... you see, I wanted to really forget about my problems ...... so I paid Janet Jackson five million dollars to not wear a bra on the half-time show......
(everyone gasps in shock)
ALFONSO
And I paid Justin Timberlake five million dollars to rip off that piece of fabric.....
(everyone gasps again, even louder)
ALFONSO
... and I paid CBS ten million so they could pay off all of those FCC fines......
GENE
You know, I’m starting to understand this corruption scandal now ........ so it is all your fault that American TV is even more uptight than usual... (speaks in a silly voice) just so you could get your jollies! You’re a sick, sick man........
ALFONSO
... but I’m still not responsible...... and besides Auditor General Sheila Fraser didn’t report this event in her statement. (thinking that he has one up on Gene)
GENE
Well, she could very well be in the audience now....... Ok, Todd... here’s your question.
Susan said: I was in desperate need of a baby-sitter one evening. But I realized that it would be much better to stay at home when blank showed up at my door!
(the panel banters and writes down their answer)
GENE
Okay Todd.... Susan said that she was in desperate need of a baby-sitter but thought it would be better to stay home when blank showed up at my door.......
TODD (sobbing)
It was me..... it was me, I’m so sorry! I was supposed to baby-sit for a friend... but she turned me away at the door. She recalled what happened the night before during the hockey game.... she thought I’d be tempted to slam dunk the baby if I picked it up, that I’d sucker-punch the poor kid when I put him to bed.....
GENE
Can we accept “hockey player” as his answer?
JUDGE
Yes!
GENE
Okay... hockey player it is..... but it’s a dumb answer....... Toospoiled?
TOOSPOILED
I said Michael Jackson!
GENE
Oh no! Now that’s an answer that hits way too close to home! Brett?
BRETT
I said Charles. (mocking a vicious glance to him) Charles would be a bad influence on any red-blooded American child.....
GENE
Charles?
CHARLES
I said Brett. Same rationale.
GENE
Millinocket?
MILLINOCKET
Well, I said Richard...... because if he ever stepped into my house, I’d knee him in the groin.... again!
RICHARD
I thought that we’ve put that behind us.
MILLINOCKET
Just professionally, my friend........
GENE
What did you say, Richard?
RICHARD
I just said a bully..... (smarmy attempt at pity) none of this specific name calling. I don’t like that. Make love, not war!
GENE
No, you can’t do that. CBS, and the American people, do not agree with that philosophy.
Jankp?
JANKP
I said that damn Steve from Blue’s Clues. If I had children I wouldn’t want them to be baby-sat by people that host simplistic children’s programs.
MILLINOCKET
Darn, I should have wrote something like that down...... Barney, Elmo.... all of those would have been good answers.
TOOSPOILED
I agree.......
GENE
Well, it looks like this game is tied zero to zero.... and I’m stopping this game right now!! Because none of you two guys deserves to win anything!
(the two contestants are shocked)
GENE
I mean it! My producer, DavidMac, is a Canadian, and I’ve been learning that his fellow countrymen are just like him. Corrupt, cowardly, selfish, and mentally unstable!!
I mean, look at you, Alfonso!! You stole money!! You ran a department that wrote up phony invoices and statements of services rendered, so you could cover up the fact that you gave away millions of dollars to political friends of yours for doing nothing. And then you sit here saying that you aren’t responsible! That you had no control over anything!!
And you, Todd! You noble sports figures are all the same! You’re just a bunch of overpaid thugs who can’t think of anything better to do than beat each other up and get up to no good. That’s the only way that you can communicate! Do you have any class at all? Why should I let any of you guys win the 20,000 dollars on Match Game?? I wouldn’t trust you with change for the parking meter!
(both men look very angry and upset)
ALFONSO
“I don’t expect to be insulted by you or anyone else!”
(Todd Bertuzzi foregoes the timidity of speech, and jumps over the contestant’s booth and sucker-punches Gene, sending both bodies behind the chairs of the lower tier of the celebrity panel.)
(the front panel expresses shock, as Todd gets up, while Gene, hidden behind the panel, does not!)
BRETT
Oh my god!! I think you’ve killed Gene Rayburn!!!
RICHARD
I’m going to give you a kiss, Todd! With my fist!
CHARLES
You must think you’re a real man, don’t you? Well, guess what, I’m more manly than ten of you!
(Todd’s psychopathic fury fades away, as he begins to cry again, and confess on camera)
TODD
To the fans of the game of Match, and the fans of Hollywood, to the kids that watch this game, I’m truly sorry. I don’t play the game that way. I’m not a mean spirited person. I’m sorry for what happened.*
GENE (from behind the panel)
Don’t worry.... I’m still alive....... if somebody can get me a stretcher, I’ll be able to get out of here. I’m a game show host, I’ll never go away.......
(the audience cheers; as Gene slowly gets up and turns to the camera)
GENE
Okay.... well, that’s it for Epinions Match Game 2004 this week. We hope that you enjoyed yourself, and, this is directed at CBS -- why aren’t you censoring this garbage???? These are the only boobs that are dirty!!!
(pointing at the maniacally violent hockey player, and the duplicitous Canadian politician)
This is Johnny Olson speaking for Epinions Match Game 2004
A Mark Goodson-Bill Todman Wardrobe Malfunction
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All of the Gagliano statements bracketed by quotes can be found at these articles:
http://www.cbc.ca/stories/2004/03/18/canada/gagliano040318
http://www.cbc.ca/stories/2004/03/19/canada/gagliano040319
.... although of course, the Super Bowl story is entirely fictional.... we think.
*The Bertuzzi apology after sucker-punching Rayburn is an only slightly paraphrazed version of what he really said after his real sucker-punching incident (http://www.cbc.ca/sports/indepth/bertuzzi/)
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Epinions.com ID:
DavidMac
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 - Top 500 |
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Member: David Macdonald
Location: Prince Edward Island
Reviews written: 612
Trusted by: 109 members
About Me:
Alice, a story in nine parts, posted on Sept 24, 2008 - http://www.epinions.com/content_5241348228
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