Exposing the Doc—a Peek Under Her Kilt
Aug 26 '04 (Updated Jun 10 '05)
The Bottom Line Anyone got a match?
There’s nothing quite like a Roast, is there? I just love the good-natured banter, the ribbing, the slams, the put downs, the come-backs. But sometimes it’s easy to forget the reason for the Roast. Despite all the jokes, despite all the kidding, the purpose of a Roast is to pay homage to someone special.
In my experience, Roastees tend to be great pillars of society—people who have made a positive impact on the lives of others—people who have earned the love, admiration and respect of their peers. DrDevience of course is none of these things. So why are we honoring her? Well, it seems as though iluvbirds is quickly approaching her 1st year anniversary here on Epinions, wanted to follow the tradition of hosting a write-off (or something like a write-off) and came up with the neat idea of a Roast. But why Roast Doc, of all people? Well, I don’t know for sure. but I can think of only one possible reason—fear.
Let me explain.
Doc began her Epinions “career” in June of 2002—about three months before I started mine. In those two short years, she has written 444 articles (compared to my 36), received 7 hats (compared to my—let me check—zero hats), and compiled 612 trusters (compared to my—woops, lost another one—damn). I’ve always wondered how she was able to accomplish all these milestones in essentially the same amount of time that I’ve been here accomplishing squat. Well boys and girls, I finally figured it out.
How was Doc able to get so many trusters? People fear her. Doc has a reputation for evil. Hell, she even looks evil. People are afraid not to trust her. Oh, sure. You might have read some nice things about Doc—like how helpful she is to Newbies, like how she’s honest to a fault, like how she tells it like she sees it. Lies. All lies. Fearful people are willing to say anything just to avoid her wrath.
How was Doc able to get all those hats? Brisbane fears her. Like the Eps community at large, Eps management staff are no fools. Doc can get anything she wants out of those people. Why? Because they know what really happened to Nirav, and they don’t want it to happen to them.
How was Doc able to accomplish writing all those articles in such a short span of time? It’s simple really. She didn’t write them at all. Think about it. Right around the same time Doc and I joined Epinions, another new member, Katybrighteyes, appeared on the scene. But all of a sudden, Katy stopped contributing articles. Interestingly, at that very same time, Doc’s output increased dramatically. A coincidence? Hardly. It’s obvious that Katy’s been doing all of Doc’s writing. But why? Fear.
Katy knows Doc personally. She has been in Doc’s basement. She has seen the cauldron and smelled the simmering contents. She has stepped over the Newbie bones scattered everywhere. She has seen the ghosts of Epinions’ past in Doc’s display case—Sordid-1, Corpgent, Mr. Eyore and so many others—all stuffed, mounted and be-kilted. She has seen Nirav’s skin curing in the chemical vat in the corner. So you see, Katy was afraid for her own life, and rightly so. Of course she would do Doc’s bidding. Wouldn’t you?
I know what you are all thinking. You’re thinking I’m a very brave man to expose Doc for what she really is, knowing full well the potential consequences of that revelation. You’re right, of course. And fearless. Don’t forget fearless. But Doc’s been on to me for awhile. I figure it’s only a matter of time before I join those others in her trophy case. The very least I can do is warn my Epinionator friends—especially all the Newbies—to steer clear of DrDevience like the plague.
When you hear people say, “Doc is funny,” ignore them. When you hear people say, “Doc is talented,” laugh in their face. When you hear people say, “Doc has a heart of gold,” roll your eyes. ‘Cause now you know the truth.
If you’d like to add your Doc warning, I encourage you to visit iluvbird’s Roast Page here and take the pledge.
Oh. One last thing. What I wrote was all lies. I adore the Doc to death. Mess with her at your peril.
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Epinions.com ID:
_haggis_
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Location: Ann Arbor
Reviews written: 40
Trusted by: 89 members
About Me:
A proud member of Granniemose's Fantastic Fecal Five
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