Pampers! Elmo! Jan Faull! and Potty Training my son...
Apr 03 '06
The Bottom Line Different parents, different children, different approaches to Potty Training...
From the day you find out you will be having a child, everyone seems to feel entitled to give you advice: people you know and people you don’t know. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It really depends on how it is given and how you react to it.
One of the craziest pieces of advice was given to me just a few days after I came home with my son: start potty training him as soon as you can. Well, the little fella was only a few days old, so I knew I had time, but I did notice some sort of obsession, as time passed, in regards to potty training children as soon as possible, especially with the older generation.
Thinking about Potty Training
So, as time passed, I started developing my own ideas by gathering information from friends, family and books… one thing I knew for sure was that I was not going to be in ANY rush, and I was going to keep away from that silly race to who potty trains their children the earliest.
I would have liked to know what my own potty training had been like, but my father doesn’t remember after so many years, and I don’t have a mother to ask. My husband, on the other hand, apparently was potty trained by the age of 18-20 months, and that was too early for when I had in mind (unless my son started showing signs of being ready…).
Anyhow, what I did do as a first step was to buy a very simple and inexpensive potty for my son when he was about 20 months, just so he could start familiarizing with it.
Preparing for Potty Training
When my son was 22 months old, we moved from Italy to the States, and I must say, I found a very different attitude in regards to Potty Training from what I had left behind: children at the age of 4 still occasionally using diapers, either for bowel movements or for the night.
What I came to appreciate with my move to this country was the huge quantity of material in helping understand more what is behind the process, and finding out what is best for ones own child.
Books: I found a first approach to potty training in What to expect Toddler Years, but what I needed was something that told me really HOW TO Potty Train. I had no clue as to where to start, so I wanted something that could guide me step by step. I did some research and found many books that were either too rigid for my tastes or too generic. Then I found one book that really helped me: Mommy, I have to go Potty!, by Jan Faull, M. Ed. What convinced me about the validity of the book was that according to the author, Potty Training is the child’s achievement and victory, not yours.”, and that is what all the advice in the book is based on: understanding your child’s readiness, needs and personality, to adapt your Potty Training accordingly. Of course, this doesn’t mean ignoring the parent’s needs and readiness, because just like a coach, the best results are achieved when both sides are prepared and serene.
Choosing a Potty: Before I was going to officially start the process, I had to choose the right Potty (the previous one stayed in Italy), and, boy, is there a huge quantity of potties to choose from! Different prices, different brands, and different uses you could make out of them; musical ones, soft ones, hard ones, big ones, small ones… I finally made up my mind and bought the Graco Training Rewards Soft Seat Potty & Stepstool. First of all the brand was one I knew, used and appreciated. Then I liked the idea of the many uses that could come out of it: a potty, a toilet seat reducer, and a stool for standing on, all in one. It did come with reward stickers, but I didn’t care much for those. The choice turned out to be a winning one, but I’ll get to that further on.
What to wear (and what NOT to wear): Pull-ups, Easy Ups, or Training pants? That was another big decision to make. I first tried out Gerber All In One Waterproof Trainers, but quickly discarded them: they leaked, they were bulky, they were uncomfortable to wear underneath anything…AND I don’t have my own washer and dryer to clean them with… So I was left between Pull-ups (by Huggies) and Easy Ups and/or Feel and learn (both by Pampers), with the various “see wet-dry” or “feel wet-dry” variations: well, I’ve always liked Pampers, so I stuck to those, whether they were Easy Ups or Feel and learn.
Then I stocked up on underwear, possibly with my son’s favorite superhero of the moment on it (so poor Bob the Builder and Shrek got only worn as a last resort, leaving room to Spiderman and Batman).
One little digression about boys’ underwear (if you don’t have boys, just skip ahead to the next paragraph): make sure the “pocket” on the front of the underwear isn’t too wide, so nothing can “slip out”. That can be really frustrating and uncomfortable for a little boy, and the pocket isn’t used yet at such a young age (and sometimes not even at an older age). Plus, make sure the tags in the back don’t scratch… this has gotta be exciting, not painful!
Other “stuff” that can help: I tried borrowing a few children’s books from the library about kids and potty training, but my son didn’t seem that interested. What he did enjoy very much, was Potty Elmo. This was given to him for Christmas, when he was almost 26 months old. He loved giving Elmo drinks and helping him get to the potty on time. Elmo asks for water, and then warns you when he has to go. He sings a song when he uses the potty, and says an encouraging phrase when he doesn't make it in time. I have the feeling it contributed positively.
When Potty training was already started, to contribute to the “excitement” I bought other two Pampers products: Kandoo Foaming Handsoap and Kandoo Flushable Wipes. The foam didn’t have much success, because my son preferred using grownup soap rather than something so kid specific… on the other hand, the wipes were a success with all of the family…
Language to be used, and example to be given: other two aspects I found important to define before beginning the process of potty training were the language to be used for bodily functions and body parts, and the example we were going to give our children both in regards to using the bathroom and dealing with our own bodies.
As for the first aspect, I knew for sure that I wanted my son to use real terms or terms that were widely accepted, nothing invented and cute sounding. My son would not be using the bathroom only with me around, so I wanted to make sure he would be understood by anyone who was taking care of him at the moment. And I wanted to be sure that anyone would know what he was talking about if there were to ever be any issues with his private parts. My husband and I were never ones to invent alternative words for my son as he was learning to speak, to then teach him the correct term as he would grow up, so we just tried our best to follow that line.
In regard to setting an example on using the bathroom and dealing with our bodies, due to “necessity” (never leaving sight or hearing range of a toddler), my son had always seen me use the bathroom, while my husband gave him the male example for using the toilet, thus teaching him extra things like lifting the toilet seat and wiping the rim when he was done.
As far as dealing with “private parts” and nudity, we tried to transmit that toilet talk and behavior is for the bathroom; that private parts are private, specially outside of family. And as our children grow, we’ll have more and more occasions to touch the subject, according to the age and awareness that develops…
And now… let Potty Training begin!
As I mentioned above, not only the child must be ready for Potty Training, but also the parent.
One factor that conditioned me greatly in deciding when or when not to start was the fact that I don’t have my own washer and dryer. That meant that any wet or soiled clothes would have to be washed by hand or simply rinsed, while waiting to be properly washed. And I didn’t want that happening with winter clothes… As for the rest, my husband and I felt ready to take on the role of coach and cheerleader for my son.
Was my son ready?
According to the book I read, many factors determine if your child is ready for potty training. Besides the social and psychological (intellectual emotional) ones (which you can work on to some extent), you have to make sure the child is also physically ready (and that is NOT up to you, unless there is some physical problem). The first step is when your child tells you he/she has done something in his/her diaper; then he/she warns you when it is actually happening; last step, when the child is physically ready to start, he/she will tell you when it is about to happen: that means there is a full physical awareness of the process.
By the time he was about 26 moths old, my son had very regular bowel movements (luckily that had been happening for quite some time), and very often he warned me when he was about to go so I knew I could “work” on that. Some people sustain you should start with either the wetting or the soiling, but I tackled both at the same time. So, when I knew that the moment was about to come, I encouraged my son to sit on the potty a few times with his diaper on, then with his diaper pulled down around his legs. A way to encourage him to sit, for a few minutes at least, was to read to him, tell him stories, or give him books to “read” to himself (from a very young age he’s loved “reading”- aka, looking at books for long periods of time). Sometimes his sitting there gave results, most of the time it didn’t, but he understood the use of the potty, and became more and more curious and confident.
A positive thing about the Graco Potty is that the seat is soft so my son didn’t have problems sitting there for some time. What WAS a problem instead was the shield that is supposed to prevent leakage outside of the potty. It kept on falling off, but I simply taught my son to “point down” with the help of his hand. There wasn’t going to be any shield on the real toilet, anyway, was there?
We did try using the seat of the Graco Potty as a toilet reducer, but it shifted around a lot, so we stuck to sitting on the potty at first, till one day my son decided on his own to use the toilet, either sitting right on the edge with his feet on the potty used as a stool (by closing the lid), or by standing on the potty/stool to be able to aim inside the bowl.
Rewards. You all know the expression “terrible twos”… well, that can make potty training complicated sometimes, because kids pick the oddest moments to affirm their independence, so that, occasionally, became a problem over the course of the months… The reward stickers that had come with the potty had soon gone lost, stuck here and there around the apartment, so I tried with other types of rewards: I bought tiny cars for any bowel movement done in the potty, and bathtub alphabet letters (the ones that stick to the bathtub when wet) for using the potty or the toilet instead of wetting a diaper. Each time the potty or the toilet was used, my son got to pick a prize from a jar I put them in. Well, it did work most times, but again, terrible twos are really “terrible”, so many times that didn’t work either. I guess I wasn’t that convinced about the material reward system. Anyway, once the rewards finished, I didn’t buy anymore. Plus, I had the experience of my nephew, who apparently would go to the bathroom in multiple sessions to get more rewards! Clever on his behalf, but I did not want that happening! I did, though, continue encouraging and cheering, making my son proud of himself every time he succeeded.
This very loose approach to Potty training lasted for about 6 months, with Pull-ups worn most of the time. I very gradually started introducing underwear for a couple of hours a day, extending the time frame more and more, with the occasional accident here and there (luckily the accidents involved only getting wet, and never getting soiled).
Potty Training: final phases
By the time summer had arrived, my son was wearing underwear full-time during the day (also during naps). We even did a 9 hour car trip to Maine, all in underwear! I was very proud of him. After about three months, I decided to try removing diapers during the night. Even though my son always has some water to go to bed with, his diapers were very often dry or just lightly wet, so, I put him to bed in underwear, making sure he understood that he was not wearing diapers and that if he had to go to the bathroom, he could call us to help him go. Night lights were set up both in his bedroom and in the bathroom, close to the light switch. This may sound silly, but waking up during the night to guide our son to the bathroom was never more exciting! And hearing him do it all on his own the first time was great…
By the time my son was 33 months old and starting pre-school, he was wearing underwear full-time. After a few night accidents a week the first two weeks, they dropped to about an accident a month for another 3 months, to then end completely.
Today with a 3 ½ year-old son and a 17 month old daughter
Potty Training is a (not so) distant memory now. I still help my son to clean himself when he has a bowel movement, and occasionally he may spill a few “drops” on himself. There have been rare occasions in which he has wet himself, mostly because he doesn’t want to stop what he’s doing, but he’s getting better and better at holding on (only if strictly necessary! It’s not a habit you want to infuse…).
Now my 17 month-old daughter enjoys playing with Elmo, and she likes sitting on the potty (fully dressed). She even let’s me know when she needs to be changed after having had a bowel movement (not that you can’t tell if you’re close to her!!!). They say that girls potty train sooner than boys and that children with older siblings potty train sooner because of imitation. Will this be the case? Is it true for every child? I will be two years older than when I started with my son, and my daughter is a different person from her brother.
We’ll see… I might write about it in a couple of years in Potty Training My Daughter!…
Final thoughts
Some of what I have written has made you nod, something else you may not agree with. Each parent is different and so is each child. There are no rules.
But only by informing yourself, like you just have to some extent, will you develop your own ideas about how to deal with Potty Training. Or about parenting in general.
Never ignore your instincts: they exist for a reason
For more advice or non-advice reviews, take a look at the list of other entries for mmcphee's write-off!
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