The complete ignoramus' guide to hardcore
Jul 20 '06
The Bottom Line If you've always wanted to be in a loud, aggressive band but don't have the talent for metal, then hardcore may be for you!
Disclaimer: Before people start sending in the hate mail, let me point out that I actually like hardcore. I know full well that the style goes beyond the stereotypes and exaggerations that this article makes fun of, and I'm even in a hardcore/metalcore band at college. There. Now you can send me hate mail.
Image
By far the most important aspect of your hardcore band will be its image. Be sure that your band's myspace has a big photo at the top of you and your bandmates looking tough, angry, and generally disagreeable. This will let all the "scene" kids know that your band is aggressive. It is absolutely essential for everybody to wear all black, preferably with some random chains dangling off your outfits. Most importantly, though, don't ever, ever smile. Look really serious, like you might be thinking about killing the photographer. For best results, do a photo shoot on a day when everyone in the band has severe constipation.
Reputation
The second most important thing is for your band to be a disruptive and unruly bunch. Ideally, you'll want to be banned from playing certain venues because of your reputation as "troublemakers." If at least one of the band members is an alcoholic, even better. If you've never been a miscreant before and aren't sure what to do, just adhere to the following steps whenever you're backstage, on a tour bus, or in a hotel:
1) Drink heavily
2) Break something
3) Hurl
4) Repeat
For more information, consult Unearth's Guide to Disorderly and Incredibly Stupid Behavior
Music
As we speak, researchers at Bell Labs are trying to figure out a way to avoid this rather pesky and annoying part of the process. But until they do, you'll eventually have to get around to making some actual music. Don't worry, it won't be too hard, and a lot of the ideas here really go into supplementing your "image" (see above). Nonetheless, it's important to keep a few things in mind:
Vocals—One of the major findings of Jane Goodall's work was that most species of lower primates consider cleanly sung vocals to be a sign of weakness and submission. It is more than likely that both you and your fans operate at about the same intelligence level as most species of lower primates, so the same rules apply. But unlike metal vocals, which use a special guttural growling technique, your vocalist should actually physically scream. The angrier the better. Remember, your band is "tough" and "aggressive."
Guitar—Have a standard, six string electric guitar handy? Good. Go ahead and tune it to a drop D if it isn't already. Now try playing a few different power chords. More than likely, they will all sound different. In hardcore, this is never a good thing. To fix that, go ahead and tune everything down a couple of whole steps and try again. If your chords still sound reasonably distinct, tune down some more and repeat. The goal here is to get to a point where everything you play sounds like a mess of overly distorted sludge.
Drums—A marginal amount of talent is actually kind of important here, although massive, massive doses of amphetamines make a perfectly acceptable substitute. The goal of the drummer is to mark every sixteenth note by hitting something. This is accomplished through a combination of snare rolls and using the double bass pedal. Other than that the creativity really shouldn't extend beyond maybe hitting a crash cymbal every once in a while.
Breakdowns
Have no talent? Want to fit in with the whole hardcore scene? Fill your songs with "sick" breakdowns! The objective of a breakdown is to be as cliché as physically possible while simultaneously displaying zero musical ability, all under the guise of being "brutal." A breakdown starts with a simple three to six syllable phrase which will be reiterated over and over. At the same time, the tempo should decelerate to something in the "unbearably sluggish" range, and keep getting slower from there. It might help to practice by trying to play in time with an old lady trying to walk up the stairs. And remember to have your vocalist keep spouting out that same three to six syllable phrase at regular intervals.
Well, there you go! Pretty simple, isn't it? Follow these steps and Trustkill will be calling you in no time.
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