Happy Birthday, Kristina! (40 Life Lessons)
Oct 12 '06 (Updated Feb 22 '07)
The Bottom Line I'm a fricking genius, and you'd do well to benefit from it.
Today is a milestone birthday for Kristina, so I'm honoring her request that we share twoscore life lessons for her personal consumption. Oh, it's not totally selfless; I've been promised a lap dance.
1. Your parents have a lot to teach you, no matter how you old you are, because they are still older, and they've already done it. They either succeeded or failed at what you’re trying to do, and you can learn from them either way.
2. Your parents are not perfect, and that's okay. When you accept that, you're an adult. When you only recognize the first part, you're a teenager.
3. Choose carbs. [attr: Dave “Glark” Cole] Seriously, I deliberately avoid food items that are diet, low-fat, low-sugar, low-carbs, or anything other than just regular food. I just eat food, and I enjoy it. Oh, by the way, you're going to need to start with really good metabolism to enact this lesson.
4. Make little lists of what you're supposed to do each day. It helps you remember things you might otherwise forget, and if you don't finish something and have to keep writing it over and over again every day, it's a huge motivator to just get it the heck done.
5. Do not procrastinate. As soon as you identify a task that needs to be completed, arrange to complete it.
6. Romantic love is one of the most incredible feelings you will ever experience. It also usually winds up sucking, but I've been told that eventually it will occur and not suck, so we have that to look forward to.
7. You'll never know if you can do it unless you try.
8. You shouldn't commit to something in which you lack confidence.
9. Size doesn't matter. Well, okay, it matters, but it doesn't matter.
10. There's nothing wrong with taking credit for your own brilliance. If you're great, everyone should know it.
11. If you wouldn't be okay with everybody knowing you've done something, you shouldn't do it.
12. Never be in the company of people you wouldn't be willing to die with. (attr: unknown)
13. As long as both of you and the goat are all consenting adults, and you're all enjoying it, there's nothing wrong with it.
14. Nehru jackets are not coming back. No, never. I'm serious, Dad.
15. “Philosophical principles are no substitute for thinking.” (attr: Nathaniel Branden)
16. Mainly, college teaches you how to think. Most of what you're going to need after that, you learn by doing.
17. When asked how long a task will take to complete, say that it will take twice as long as you think it will. It is actually going to take you at least 50% longer than you think it will, but you'll still look like a hero.
18. Up, Up, Down, Down, L, R, L, R, B, A
19. If you're a Libertarian, you're never going to be happy. Never. We have a two party system, and it's not going anywhere. So deal with it, and vote according to whichever issue is most important to you at the moment. Because no candidate is ever going to agree with you on more than one issue. If the race isn't close, you should feel free to actually vote your conscious. It feels really good.
20. You should volunteer because it feels good, not because you think you're supposed to.
21. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then sell the lemonade and use the profits to buy whatever you actually wanted in the first place, like apples or kiwis. But not watermelons. What is the deal with everyone thinking watermelons are so awesome, when they're totally bland and mushy?
22. It's okay to neither forgive nor forget in the appropriate situation. Some people are just toxic and should not be permitted back into your life under any circumstances.
23. Sometimes, straight boys will play a game they call "gay chicken." This means that they act like they're flirting with you and want to hook up with you, but actually they think you're straight, and it turns out that you are not getting laid tonight, after all. Straight boys are weird.
24. If you can only learn two things in a foreign language, they should be "Where is the bathroom?" and "Thank you."
25. The entire property rental paradigm is absolute crap. Your rent goes up every year, and the money is not contributing towards any kind of equity. When you graduate from college, buy a home as soon as possible. Your payments are constant, the interest is deductible on your income taxes, and your money contributes towards ownership of something that is virtually guaranteed of increasing in value. And borrowing more than 80% of the purchase price is much easier than it’s ever been before, especially in urban areas. If your parents haven't bought a home in twenty years, they won't believe you when you tell them this, but trust me.
26. If you need new clothes, go outlet shopping.
27. “You should never cook with wine that you wouldn't drink.” (attr: Mom)
28. If you wouldn’t buy it with your own money, then you shouldn’t buy it with someone else’s, either.
29. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help, but you should try to do it yourself, first--unless it clearly requires specialized knowledge or training.
30. A normal man learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of others, and a fool never learns from anyone’s mistakes. (attr: unknown)
31. If you aren’t happy, figure out why and then do something about it. Life is too short to spend any part of it unhappy.
32. If someone loves you, they shouldn’t want to be set free. Therefore, it’s a moot point.
33. Get a reasonable amount of sleep every night. If you don’t, I guarantee that it will seriously mess you up.
34. Comcast of Baltimore has the worst customer service of any organization of any kind that has ever existed on the face of the Earth. (Edit 10/31/06: With the possible exception of Yahoo!)
35. Use an Excel spreadsheet to prepare your personal monthly budgets. It makes it really easy to keep track of your finances, and makes it pretty hard to drive yourself into debt.
36. When you bring a camera somewhere, also bring index cards or a notepad, and write down a brief description of everything you photograph. I learned this lesson when I got back from England in 2002 with fifty photographs of which I can now only say things like, “This is a picture of me at a castle in England.” “This is a photograph of me in a garden at a castle, in England.” “This is me with someone else in a garden at a castle...in England.”
37. Spend time with the people you love. They're not going to be around forever.
38. Kristina has apparently discovered that a crippling insulin disorder is actually the secret to eternal youth, because she’s turning forty and look at the babe!
39. “Life’s a banquet, and most poor sons of bitches are starving to death.” (attr: “Mame Dennis”)
40. Okay, fine. The sunscreen thing.
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Member: David Kaplan
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Passions has been canceled, again. But I think I'll get over it; I've gained perspective.
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