Part 1: 20 Games That Are Worse Than Atari's "E.T."
Feb 19 '07
The Bottom Line So you really think that "E.T." for the Atari 2600 is the worst game ever made? Have you played these games?
There's a certain lazy quality in calling Atari 2600's "E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial" the worst video game ever made. It's a game where the lore of how bad it is is much greater than the reality of the it all. The game was a huge commercial failure, due in part to it's 5 week programming time in an effort to get the game out into stores before the Christmas season. It was an overdistributed mess, and some claim that more cartridges of the game were made than there were actual video game systems. I guess they thought that if the child loved one copy of "E.T.," then hell, two wouldn't hurt, right?
"E.T." is a game that if you walk into it, not knowing how to play it, it is almost unplayable. There is absolutely nothing self explanitory about it. You wander around several different green screens and continuously fall down pits (which themselves can be frustrating as hell to get out of) all while being chased by a scientist and an FBI agent. Why are there so many pits? What are those ever changing arrows and icons on the top of the screen? It's no wonder several copies of the game were returned to stores, causing not only 5 million spare cartridges to be steamrolled and buried in New Mexico, but the game is also blamed in part for the Video Game Crash of 1983. Atari's "Pac-Man" is also somewhat faulted for that as well.
On the other hand, if you've read the manual and watched those Atari "How To" videos of the early 80's, then the game really isn't that impossible to play. In fact, it isn't even that hard. You have to collect pieces of your phone in the various pits in order to call home, and to find out which pieces of the phone are in which pit, you must pay attention to the icons (namely the question mark) on the top of the screen. Look, it isn't a very fun game, but there is something slightly addicting about it, namely due to it's notorious status as the "Plan 9" of video games.
To go with this Pitfall-ing E.T. scenario for a game is an odd choice to say the least. Indeed I can imagine a much better "E.T." Atari game looking something like "Defender," only instead of controlling a spaceship, you're controlling a bicycle. Sure, the bike never shot anything in the movie, but then again, in the movie, E.T. never fell into a bit and had to raise his neck in order to levitate out.
To call this game the "worst" ever made is sort of like calling "Shanghai Surprise" the worst movie ever made. It's bad, but come on. Dig deep in the trenches and give the award to something that truly deserves it. Why claim "Plan 9" is the worst, when "The Creeping Terror" wants you to crawl into its mouth so it can devour your very existence? So then why trash "E.T." on the main basis of disastrous profits, when I've got 20 games right here that make "E.T." look like "Super Mario Bros. 3." "E.T." was simply monotonous gameplay that was commercially over-hyped. There's nothing that's really spectacularly awful about it, it just is what it is. These games here really are almost unplayable.
Sidenote: Please don't think I'm picking on old school games, those are just the only ones I ever play. I don't own anything above a 64, I'm strictly just a classic gamer.
Alf
(Sega Masters System)
Okay, I thought it was weird enough anyways when we saw the full body of Alf with an emotionless face in the first few episodes of the series; but this game goes beyond that. It's no wonder the Tanners never wanted Alf to go outside, because it appears as if this town is a nonsensical nightmare! You start out in the backyard, and I think I'm supposed to get fuel for a scooter located on top of the roof, but when I go in the direction of the garage, I end up on downtown Main Street! And not only that, it looks like the passerbys don't even give a damn that an alien is walking down the middle of the street! The only one that seems to want to kill you is some magician looking guy standing on the sidewalk, and if one hair of you even comes close to touching him, you turn into a transparent angel and float up to the sky. I love the show "Alf," but I think I may have missed this episode. Thank God.
Back to the Future
(NES)
This game is just about legendary for it's awfulness. Maybe if it had a huge marketing campaign behind it, it would be known as the worst game ever made, because it certainly deserves a place up there. It might be the worst movie lisenced game ever made. This is one of those games where the character moves on his own and you have to use the left and right buttons to help him dodge enemies. Only this game isn't great like "Paperboy" and it's even worse than "X-Men." In it, you go through Hill Valley to collect clocks for some reason (I would say it's to smash them and put them in the fussion tank, but that didn't come into play till the end of Part 1). You have to dodge hula-hoop girls, killer bees, guys carrying a glass window across the street (that's original), and a guy in a pink tank top who looks like a villain from a 90's kung fu movie. If this game were based on the crappy cartoon series, then it would fit in right at home.
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
(NES)
For a game based on Bill & Ted, this game took me way too damn long to figure out, and I'm still not sure that I got it right. After a long text dialogue sequence with Rufus, you have to try different phone numbers in the booth until you find one whose line isn't busy, which is even more annoying than in real life. After that you're stuck in the time circuits, bouncing around the screen in no particular direction until you land in a the correct time hole. And now we're finally at the game play...which is just awkward as hell. It isn't an arial view game, and it isn't exactly side scrolling. It's more...diagonal. You throw basketballs at people coming after you, but since you can only move in different diagonal directions, it's nearly impossible to hit anything. Plus this is the only game I've seen where you get hurt from jumping too high on a flat ground. Most non-triumphant.
Deadly Towers
(NES)
Ranked as the #1 Worst Nintendo Game of all time by Seanbaby, I can certainly see why. While I can think of a few that I hate more than this, this game is just ridiculous in its boredom. You play as this character who looks like a Medieval Megaman, and you wander through a castle maze and randomly kill bugs and blue orbs with your unlimited stash of swords. Too bad it takes about 20 hits to kill those damn orbs, and the screen itself is just ugly looking from the get-go. It looks kind of like if the Virtual Boy was in a nice shade of green instead of red. The real trick to the game isn't to beat it but to go through as many rooms as possible and see how far you can get before suicide seems like a good idea.
Donkey Kong Jr. Math
(NES)
Why play this game, when you've got a calculator sitting right on your dinner table! That's what this game is, seriously. It's an overglorified calculator. The point is obviously to teach kids math, but what kid would want to play this game? You start out with a number, and Donkey Kong Jr. has to climb up vines (where other numbers are located) and pick out two or more numbers that can be added or subtracted into the number that you are given. Even if you're wanting to strengthen your math skills, there's no challenge in this! Maybe bring back some of the Donkey Kong Jr. villains to try to thwart your number searching, and then maybe I would have wanted to play this as a child! As it is, I'll stick with writing "boobs" on my kitchen calculator.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
(NES)
This game is just so bizarre that it actually does merit some playtime for atleast once in your life. As Dr. Jekyll, you have to get to the church in time for your wedding, only you have to dodge all of these weird characters who are trying to kill you (too bad the weapon you are given doesn't work). There's a Jack the Ripper looking guy who throws bombs at you, plus there's a kid with a slingshot, gravediggers who toss dirt at you, and the oddest of them all is an opera singer that has deadly music notes fly out of her mouth. And if these people get you mad enough, you turn into Mr. Hyde and drift into an opposite world, where if you make it farther in the game than Jekyll did, then lightning comes from the sky and kills you....just like in the book? None of this game makes any sense, and nothing is self explanitory. I didn't find out why I was being struck by lightning until I read it online. I will admit though, it does take someone with imagination to make a game this preposterously awful.
Dragon's Lair
(NES)
Nevermind beating this game, that's out of the question. The real trick of this baby is trying to get past the first screen! You need to avoid a bat, a hole in the bridge, and a fire shooting dragon. The bat's easy to kill, and it's possible to avoid the hole, but any one hit from that dragon, and you're as good as a skull and bones, because that is what you turn into. It doesn't help the the dragon stays completely hidden when you have a good chance to kill him. I have gotten past this screen before, and yes, according to a speed run on youtube it is possible to beat the game, but who would want to spend countless hours trying to get past the first screen, when you know you'll have to devote a weeks worth of unpaid vacation time to make it to only the halfway point of this sucker. Atleast the graphics are good.
Hide and Seek
(Atari 2600)
The title is correct. This is a video game version of Hide and Seek. I'm almost afraid I'll soon come across a video game version of Tag or maybe even Duck, Duck, Goose. The idea for the game is ridiculous enough, but you haven't seen anything until you've played it. Obviously, this is a two player game. Whatever poor soul you got to play this with you has to cover his eyes or go in the other room until you hide your character (not hard, there's only about 2 or 3 hiding spots), and then the other player has to open their eyes and go around the game house and look for you. That's it. That's the game. Oh, and one more thing. Due to a designing flaw, the character's arms are located a little bit lower than they should be , so basically what the game looks like is two very very "excited" men chasing eachother around a house and hiding. It seriously looks like a weird variation of "Custer's Revenge," and it somehow seems so much worse that is just a flaw and it actually is a kid's game. This could be the worst of the bunch.
Home Alone 2: Lost in New York
(Super Nintendo)
This game is just so forgettable that I can't believe I'm even putting it on the list. I guess it's because I have friends who are still tortured to this very day because they played this game as a child. I suppose I avoided all of that horror growing up, but it is very true that this is an awful game. To me though, very forgettably awful. In this game, you wander around the hotel while avoiding...get this...killer suitcases, vacuum cleaners, and mops, that not only move on their own, but they want Kevin dead! Bombs also fall from the ceiling, and angry maids are also hunting for your corpse. Nevermind Marv and Harry the crooks, this hotel may as well be something out of a zany version of "The Shining"! What do you use to kill your opponents? A paintball gun, naturally. How do you get it? It's just laying around in the lobby, along with the slices of pizza for energy points, and the random pearl necklaces. Dear God, I feel stupid for even DESCRIBING this awful game.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(NES)
In the world of video games based on Speilberg classics, there is no way in hell that "E.T." for Atari is worse than this here pile of Molo-Rahm crap. First off, the game doesn't even look like it's completely finished! Indy walks around from cave pit to cave pit, and in each cave room he must collect children who are peeking out of various holes in the walls or floors. Who knows where he keeps the kids, but hey, you get 300 points. The action is all centered in this small space in the middle of the screen, and the backgrounds are all either completely black or they're this horrid shade of blue. Because, naturally, that's what was the defining color in the Temple of Doom: a lot of bright blues. It seriously reminds me of the sets from the classic "Star Trek" episode "Spectre of the Gun," only in that, it was not only intentional, but badass! Also, of all the many games that have a mine track level in them ("Tazmania," "Donkey Kong Country," etc) how ironic that the worst would be in the "Temple of Doom" game.
I know that this article is kind of a long read, so I've decided to split it up into to parts. I'll post the 2nd part of it up before too long. Hope you all enjoy it, and feel free to leave me a note if you feel there's something else out there worse than the "E.T." game.
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Epinions.com ID:
caligula79
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Member: Brad
Location: Long Beach, CA
Reviews written: 141
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Reside in both Long Beach, California and Springfield, Illinois. I'm region-polar.
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