Imaginary Restaurant Rants That Will Never Receive MHs
Apr 25 '09
The Bottom Line Just because a review is completely off topic doesn't mean the point of view isn't valid.... ...OK, so I guess it does.
It has always amused me when I see a 201+ word review that blasts some restaurant based on just one aspect of that diner's experience yet tells us nothing about the restaurant as a whole. To me this is the text equivalent of five year old sticking their tongue out at another child. “You’re a doody head!” Oooh, what a deep thinker you are sir.
So, after reading Toiletoctopus’, aka Mike’s, well written treatise on not rubber stamping and how this relates to giving bad reviews more points than they deserve, I took the next logical step. Well logical in my warped view of the world. I decided to write some reviews that I imagine could appear in R&G at any moment, allowing some Anthony Bourdain of the PC an opportunity to vent their frustrations. So here we are:
Restaurant: Burger Czar
Rating: 0 out of 5 stars
Reviewer: Sandy Kreviss
Burger Czar sucks. I went for breakfast and the dumb zit faced high school loser who probably just got out of some sheriff’s boot camp messed up my order. I asked for a breakfast czarist biscuit with no cheese. Skippy McDoofus gave me one with cheese! I mean what kind of morons wrapped in idiots do they hire here? It’s not that I’m lactating intolerance of something. I just don’t like no cheese in my breakfast czarist biscuit. Heck czarist is Italian for no cheese anyway, right? So this restraunt just sucks. I ain’t never going back there again and I mean it! I’m even going to tell them that tomorrow at breakfast. And that stupid high school kid better not mess up my order again.
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Restaurant: Chez Snootwaz
Rating 1 out of 5 stars
Reviewer: Biff Entietelled, MD
My wife Brianna and I had heard so much about Chez Snootwaz and Goodyear two star chef Linus Maginot that we decided to honor this venue with our presence. I’m a very successful plastic surgeon who specializes in giving the well healed common man or woman the nose of the stars. My reputation throughout South Beach is the stuff of legends. In my mind there is no other surgeon as capable of exactly replicating your favorite celebrity’s nose. My office is on the thirty-fifth floor of Skaebee Tower, suite 204, in the event that you require my services.
Anyhoo, as I was saying, my wife and I decided to pay a visit to Chez Snootwaz last Friday night. When we arrived I walked to the front of a line of patrons and told the maitre d’, François, we required a table. I was stunned when he asked if we had a reservation. How rude! I told him that he should inform the chef that Dr. Entietelled was here and needed to be seated immediately. François then had the nerve to tell me that the restaurant was all booked up and that we would need to make a reservation for another evening. This is the epitome of poor service and I will not stand for this. I am writing this review today so that the public can see just how badly managed Chez Snootwaz has obviously become. We will NOT be back.
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Restaurant: Sizzling
Rating: 0 out of 5 stars
Reviewer: Bernice Klewliss
Last Tuesday night we were all headed over to our local Sizzling for my birthday. They have that free dinner on your birthday deal, don’t you know. Well when we got there we found out that location had closed so we drove up to Minklinville and went to the Bronze Corral instead. They seated us pretty quick and we all ordered our meals. I thought the potatoes were pretty good but my steak was tougher than at the Sizzling. We talked about how sorry we were that the Sizzling had closed.
Well when the bill came I told them it was my birthday and got out my photo ID. The waitress tells me they don’t have a free dinner on your birthday deal at Bronze Corral. I asked to speak with a manager and told her we wanted to go to the Sizzling but it was closed down and had to come here instead. It wasn’t my fault Bronze Corral doesn’t have a free meal on your birthday deal. That manager just wouldn’t listen at all. Well, we paid up and left.
I’m real angry with Sizzling. If they hadn’t closed I would have gotten my free birthday dinner. Instead we got tougher steaks and had to pay for my meal at Bronze Corral. This just isn’t right.
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Restaurant: Lau Fing Kow
Rating: 1 out of 5 stars
Reviewer: Buddy Blantaest
So my wife wants to go out for some of that weird Oriental food. You know the stuff. Can’t tell what’s in any of it and you probably don’t want to know anyway. So she takes me to this fancy place with a big waterfall out front and all the waiters dressed up like some foreign movie or something. We get the menu and I swear I spent half an hour trying to find something edible. Everything sounded like some incurable disease or some body function best reserved for the lavatory. So I just ask the waiter for a hamburger. Get this, he tells me they don’t have a hamburger on the menu. I say no kidding chief I already tried to read your menu and didn’t see one. I ask if they have beef in the kitchen to which he says of course. I tell him that making a burger is easy, just grind up some of that beef and fry it up. He tells me they can’t do that and so I sit and sip a beer while the wife stuffs her face with God knows what. Some of that stuff still seemed to be moving too. I’m never going back there. No hamburger, that’s just un-American.
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