A simple tale with a few words of advice
Jun 20 '00
I have decided to open myself up to the world and tell a little story about myself and my family and how divorce played a part in screwing everything up. Why? I'm not sure. I don't plan on getting married even if the right person comes along because I've seen how divorce practically killed my mother and how it has hurt so many people I've known as well as their children. I am one of those children.
I was born in Plattsburgh,NY to two people who had met in the air force in Italy and had married after a three month courtship. From the beginning there were problems. My mother was very religious and my father was a flirt who liked to booze it up with the guys. Yet they stuck together for three years and things were fine until I was born in 1978.
I suppose they were happy. We all lived in a trailer for two years until my first sister was born at which time my dad decided he needed to get a house since the trailer had outgrown us. He had just started working as a correctional officer though and didn't have much money while my mother was staying at home taking care of us kids. Times were hard. He bought a small parcel of property in Clintonville, NY and with the help of his parents and by taking out loans he built a nice little house in the middle of nowhere. At first it was ok until my father realized that the bills were sky-high especially during the winter. Inadvertently when my dad built the house he had forgotten two things: a) New York winters are terrible and b) a practical heating system. When building the house he had made the mistake of making the heat all electric and so the elctric bills were impossible to pay. He had to sell the house which broke his heart.
My mother meanwhile had another kid and that made things especially hard. We rented a place in Peru,NY and it was there that everything fell apart. My dad was angry that my mother wouldn't get a job and my mother got angry because he would go out after work and be with his booze buddies and never come home. It created a rift and in 1983 my dad and my mom split up. Why? Differences. That's what divorce is. It's when you can't live with the person anymore because of differences in philosophy, lifestyle, finances or whatever. Simply put my father couldn't stand my mother anymore and he had taken up with an old girlfriend secretly. That's another big reason for divorces obviously: Adultery.
I was five when my parents seperated and I'm the only one of the children that remembers those times in NY. It was the only time I had a father. When my parents split my mother had nowhere to go and so she went west to Oregon where her father lived. 3000 miles.
As I grew up I grew up without a father. I'd fly out every few years or so but it was never enough. How could I establish a relationship with a father who I saw maybe 60 out of every 400 or so days? The visits grew longer and longer apart as we got older and as my dad remarried and raised step-children. Nowadays I'm 22 and haven't seen my dad in almost three years. I sometimes I get the feeling I'll never see him again. I don't know him and to this day I wish I did. I've tried my best but it's hard...very hard.
There's a lot I could say about my parents but I won't. Instead I want to take this time to tell people a few ways of making a divorce easier for a child.
1. For the love of god, don't move 3000 miles away from the other parent. If you need distance from your ex then fine. Just keep it close enough so that the children can visit their other parent every weekend or so. The more a child gets to see their parent the easier it is to maintain some type of relationship.
2. Try not to put down your ex in front of your children. Try to be civil. Oftentimes one parent will try pitting the children against the other and that is a war nobody wins believe me. It confuses the child or makes them extremely bitter towards both parents.
3. Explain to the children that the divorce was not their fault. For the longest time I thought I was the reason for my parents divorce. Why? Every time I would ask about the marriage it seemed that the bad times always started the day I was born. Nobody explained to me that it wasn't my fault and for the longest time I believed I was responsible. There's nothing that will ruin a child's self-confidence more than believing they are responsible for their parent's divorce. Take it from one who knows.
That's all I have to say about that. As for parents I advise that if you do need to divorce do it. I know some want to stay together for the sake of the children but in the long run that can actually hurt more than it can help. If divorce is necessary than do it but remember to try and soften the blow for the children and to not it take it personally. My mother has never fully recovered from the divorce while my dad has now been married two times since. My mother took the divorce personally and thought it was her fault. It is never one person's fault in a divorce except in cases of adultery or ones in which the husband /wife runs off with the couple's savings(I have an uncle who did that so...)So don't take it personally.
I've never been married and don't plan on it but I just wanted to tell people what I've seen and give some advice. I hope that's ok. Divorce is very hard for everybody involved and sometimes I wish there was no such thing but...well...that's not possible. More people get divorced every year then get married. It's a sad statistic. Thank you all for listening.
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spraybottle
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Member: Shane Pray
Location: Creve Couer, MO
Reviews written: 120
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About Me:
31 year old male claims adjuster in Missouri. Its boring but someones gotta do it
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