The adoption triangle???
Aug 10 '00
I've heard many people refer to the adoption triangle (birth mother, adoptive mother, and child), and I feel that I should point out that this triangle has more than three sides.
Up until the last couple of years my total contact with adoption was when my husband adopted my son (a very joyous occasion). Unfortunately, I've now been introduced to the painful side of adoption, if somewhat indirectly. My sister, in her mid-twenties, found herself pregnant with her third child. She's a single parent, and barely keeping it together.
She realized that she would not be able to give the child what it needed (financially and emotionally), and would never consider abortion. Therefore she did the only thing she thought she could do, and put it up for adoption. I'm very proud of her, in that she stuck to her guns and didn't pull out of the agreement, even though it was killing her to give her baby away. It was even more painful for her when she found out that the baby was a girl. She has two boys, but desperately wanted a little girl.
I guess the adoption is what would be considered an open adoption, although the contact is limited, and she can't have any pictures of the baby after she reaches 3 years of age. Only first names can be used, and NO city names whatsoever.
After the baby was born, I was able to see her for a short time while she was still in the hospital. My arms ached to hold my little niece, but my mother was holding her, and crying, and I couldn't bare to ask her to let go. I was even able to write to the adoptive parents, but I only did so once because I figured that it's a little scary being in contact with the biological family, especially in the first weeks when the birth mother can actually change her mind and take the baby back. So, I just told them that I was so pleased that my little niece had such loving parents, and to please tell her that she has an aunt out here that loves her very much.
If only my story could end here. My sister very nearly had a nervous break down. She has some minor mental difficulties as it is, and I thought it would kill her to finish grieving over the loss of the daughter she wanted so badly. However, I was completely unprepared for the decisions she would soon make.
It was quite some time after the adoption had taken place, so I'm not sure what part it may have played in her thought processes. Very late one night she came to my home and told me that she was going to place her sons for adoption as well. Shocked and devistated can never describe the horror I was feeling. She tried explaining the events that led up to her decision, and she was convinced that she should not be trying to raise children.
Unfortunately, I couldn't really argue with her about that. As horrible as it sounds, she really shouldn't have children, at least at this point in her life. In her defense, she has been in therapy for some time, and is trying to make changes in her behavior and emotional state. What I couldn't fathom, though, is that she was completely unwilling to let anyone in the family take her boys. I begged her, and I mean that very literally, to let me and my husband adopt the oldest boy.
I knew that she would not be able to place the youngest son because his father was very much a part of his life, and would fight for custody before he let her place his son with strangers. In that I was correct. However, I knew that even though she was saying she didn't want the boys to be seperated, she would still place my oldest nephew. Her "reasoning" for not allowing us to adopt one of the boys was that she wanted to ensure that they would be raised in her religion, and felt it would be better to have someone of her faith adopt the boys. Nothing I said seemed powerful enough to convince her, and she left even more determined than when she came.
I was sworn to secrecy, and complied not from a misguided sense of loyalty, but (I'm ashamed to admit) from cowardess. I could not stand the thought of trying to tell mom what she was planning, and seeing the look that would be on her face. She did find out, however, and after confronting my sister, and offering (in vain) to take the boys, she filed a petition of custody. This was like throwing a box of grenades in an already war torn family.
Although she knew I stood by our mother on this issue, how could I not, she still maintained contact with me and visited often. However, my husband and I were moving our family, and she made it clear that after we left there was to be no contact between her and us. This was particularly devastating for my husband, as he had developed a very strong bond with our nephews.
She did not continue the adoption process, I'm so very happy to report, but the damage has been done. Her youngest son's father did, in fact, file for custody, and was granted it temporarily. In that I can be happy because it means that we are able to contact him, and Mom can see him, since she lives in the same area. However, after she lost custody of her youngest son she moved out of state, and has still not reestablished contact with me or Mom. Fortunately, my brother intervened on my behalf.
He arranged through her for me to speak to my nephew on the phone - at his house - as long as I agreed not to ask any questions at all pertaining to the ongoing legal mess. I quickly agreed, and was able to speak to him just a couple of weeks ago. She even agreed to let me send him a birthday package (which she previously would not allow) as long as I sent it to my brother's address.
This is still a horrible situation, and I know it's killing my mom not to be able to see, or talk to, her grandson. However, I pray daily that this can be brought to a close soon, and that we can move on past all of this pain.
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MissBelle
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