When Affection Doesn't Come Naturally
May 11 '00
Anyone who has ever loved a child may find it unnecessary to have an editorial section entitled, Showing Affection. After all, bestowing hugs, kisses and terms of endearment comes naturally to parents, right? Most of the time...yes. For others, like me, it is a process that must be learned. Perhaps you grew up in a reserved family where love and affection were taken for granted and never openly expressed. Worse yet, you may have been raised in an abusive, neglectful environment where you never knew you were liked, let alone loved.
When my daughter was born, I wondered if I had the ability to properly display my love and affection for her. I grew up in a dysfunctional home. I can never recall hearing the words, “I love you” as a child. Hugs and kisses were something which occurred in movies and in other families. Touching my parents was something so foreign that I can vividly recall how uncomfortable (and yes, fearful) my twin sister and I felt when in our senior year of High School, we took part in a mandatory non-denominational church service dedicated to the graduating class and their parents. During the program, students were expected to present a rose to their mother. It involved a simple kiss on the cheek. Nothing overly demonstrative, but it was something that my twin and I anguished over for weeks. How could we calmly and naturally kiss our mother, when we had never felt (or could not remember) her kiss?
I can only remember one incident when I truly knew that my mother loved me. I was 12 years old. My family had just moved from a large metropolitan area to a small rural town in another state. Enroute to our new home, our family car was involved in a freak accident. Our car rolled over several times and my mother was ejected through the windshield. My father and myself were also seriously injured. Miraculously, three other children including an infant brother, survived the accident without harm. While I had experienced severe head trauma and was unconsciousness, I regained consciousness briefly while in the ambulance with my mother. My mother reached out to me, grabbed my hand and squeezed. Apparently, I mattered.
I remained a physically reserved person well into my early adulthood. Two people then entered my life who made me drop down my wall of reserve and become more comfortable with displays of affection. Without knowing it, they were preparing me for my eventual role of mother. The first, was my husband (whom I married at the still tender age of 21). John was energetic and affable. Affection came naturally to him and he was eager to display it.
The second and perhaps the most important, was my boss, Sue. I met Sue when I was 23. She was 20 years my senior and she quickly became my boss, mentor, friend and yes, surrogate mother. She was openly warm and physically affectionate and soon, hugging her was as natural as breathing. During our 13 year working relationship (our friendship still continues), she broke down the barriers in my heart and taught me to become comfortable with physical touch.
At the age of 34, I had completed much of my “affection training” and was ready to graduate to parenthood. With my daughter’s birth, there remained no question that she would feel my loving touch and hear the words “I love you” on a daily basis. Having been deprived of it throughout most of my childhood, I recognized its importance. For me, it does now come naturally, although I sometimes struggle during times of stress, anger or just the drudgery of every day life. It is during those times when I know that I must reach out to her and I do.
Do not assume that your child knows you love them. They need to hear it and feel it daily. Don’t limit yourself to obligatory morning and evening ritual displays of affection, either. Say “I love you” in the middle of the park when you’re having a particularly good day and especially, when they are in the middle of a temper tantrum and aren't very lovable. Children need constant affirmation of your love and are always fearful of losing it. I have discovered that nothing ends a temper tantrum or period of intense sobbing faster than a gentle rub on the back and the words, “You know I love you”. Sometimes, I am rejected, but that’s okay...gradually, she relaxes and the mood passes. More importantly, she knows that no matter what, Mommy still loves her. Unconditional love.
Showing affection goes beyond a hug, kiss or words. There are so many ways in which you can demonstrate your love for your child. Remember how you tried to win the affection of your spouse while you were dating? Well, your children are no different. Romance them. Bring home a bouquet of flowers. Write messages of love on the mirror in lipstick. Tuck notes in their lunch. Take them out on a date. Let them fall in love with you the way you fell in love with them.
Spend time with your child. Have an impromptu picnic in the park or in the middle of your family room. Take a walk hand in hand. Talk about what you were like as a child. Tell them what you wanted to be when you grew up. Plant flowers together. Have a water fight. Climb trees. Get messy. Make them laugh. Tell silly jokes and make funny faces together in the mirror. Nothing says “I love you” more than the giving of your time and yourself.
Have the courage to apologize when you have made a mistake. To a child, the words “I’m sorry” from a parent can be as powerful as “I love you”. It shows that you not only love them, but respect them.
Bring out their birth or adoption pictures. Share their birth or adoption story. Describe the joy you felt when you discovered you were going to be a parent and the overwhelming feelings of love at their birth or homecoming. Describe your fears and how you listened for their breath while they lay sleeping in their cribs. Do not think you have told the story so many times that it has lost its charm or meaning. Whether they are 4 or 14, they need reminders of your love and their importance in every stage of your life.
Are open, effusive displays of affection vital to a child’s development and growth? Absolutely. As critical as food, water and shelter. Without it, a child may survive, but they will not thrive. A proper education may be important for future monetary and career success, but nothing will prepare them more for life and happiness than parental love.
Love must be received in order to learn how to give it in return. I have been fortunate to have met a few people who taught me the lessons that I missed as a child. They have allowed me to become my child’s mother and teacher. To love her as she deserves to be loved.
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