Not Only Knowledge, but Confidence, is Power
May 13 '00
At one point, there were five generations of females in my family. Each generation waited a bit longer to create the next generation, learned a little more, and formed some strong opinions to heap upon the mother of the next future mother. For quite sometime, we were left with three of the original five, until, at age twenty-six, I provided the new fourth generation.
My grandmother came from a time when little was really known about nutrition for adults, let alone babies. By the time I was the age of my daughter, currently (eight weeks), my grandmother had broken my first-time mother down--played on her insecurities of doing something devastatingly, irrevocably harmful to me. With no support, my mother felt powerless to refute my grandmother; she began to believe that she was starving me by breastfeeding me, and I was switched to formula and given the cereal that my grandmother insisted upon.
From the time that two pink lines appeared, at 3 am, on a pregnancy test, I have wanted only the best for my child. When my pregnancy was labelled "high risk" and we almost lost her, the reality of the need for heavy research on my part became evident, if I was to achieve my plan of only the best. I read every book and magazine on bottle feeding and breastfeeding that I could; I used my education to weed out good from bad information--to form my own feeding beliefs and ideals. I took breastfeeding classes, and I took my own mother along with me, to assure that I'd have her support and help. She was amazed at the information provided and commented to everyone about how helpful it was and how she wished she would have had the benefit of something like it. I thought that I was so well armed with knowledge and support that I would have no problems, but breastfeeding doesn't come naturally. I had heard this, but it didn't seem possible, personally, since I was so "prepared." Preparation can't stop supply problems, though, and with supply problems come frustration and self esteem issues that threaten the very foundation of a solidly made decision...I soon found myself in the exact position that my mother had been in with my grandmother twenty-six years before.
Despite following all of the suggestions from the lactation consultant and my pediatrician, my milk was still only trickling after two weeks. My daughter was hungry; I was frantic. I spent money on a double pump and fenugreek. I spent time, hours of time, pumping and feeding, pumping and feeding, shedding tears along with my daughter, ready to give up despite my original plans for a six month minimum. I had to do something that I had sworn I wouldn't do before the first six weeks--supplement with formula. Granted, it was only four ounces extra per day, but it was four ounces more than I expected or wanted. Knowing what my mother went through, I did everything to present only a perfect breastfeeding experience to my grandmother, but the secret, inevitably, got out, and the off-hand remarks began.
"I don't think you're feeding her enough."
"I just don't think she's satisfied with just your milk,"
"Are you sure you have enough milk for her, because she cries like there's something wrong."
etc.
Every time I saw my grandmother, I left her close to, or in, tears. I began the self-dialogue of being a terrible mother, starving my baby; I began to think that I was only being stubborn about my position. My grandmother continued to chip away at my self-esteem when my daughter would cry, as all babies do: "I think there's something wrong. Grammy knows, baby. Grammy knows you're hungry. Maybe you should at least give her water." I provided ample, but gentle, evidence from my pediatrician and from countless current information that I had read that water is a "no-no" for a breastfed baby in the beginning. Keeping in mind that she also wanted only what was best for my baby, despite how she went about it, I let her know that too much water can deplete sodium enough to cause seizures in infants, that it can fill a baby up too much for them to want to nurse for needed nutrition. I also made certain to weigh my rebuttals carefully: which were important to my daughter's safety, if left in her care, and which were only to save my ego? I let the latter go. No matter how tactfully I backed my opinions up, being certain to try not to make her feel that her parenting skills were awful, I was met with applications of guilt that made me feel that I was the bad person.
The last proverbial straw came during my daughter's six week growth spurt.
"I hope your pediatrician tells you to give her cereal soon."
The implication was that I wasn't listening to her common sense. That was the moment that I stopped allowing anyone, even my grandmother, destroy, or even make me question, what my daughter and I had struggled so hard to overcome and achieve. The next day, I took my daughter in for a weight check--she was right where she should be. I then allowed confidence.
I support breastfeeding. I also support the carefully considered decision to bottlefeed. Those who say that anyone can breastfeed haven't experienced supply, latch, or support problems. To play upon the fears that a new mother has of starving her child by making her silently stew in her own self doubt, solely because one doesn't agree with her choice, is mental abuse. Equally, to make a woman who formula feeds feel that she is less of a mother, or is severely shortchanging her child is wrong.
The way to handle and effectively refute those who "mean well" is the same way to write an effective persuasive essay: don't merely say, "Because I want it that way" (though this should be enough), or "I heard..." Be prepared to go further--"According to my pediatrician and so-and-so from the AMA..." Don't tune out the other's position by building up an argument. Listen to their argument FIRST, then construct your own refutation, using what you have learned against specific areas of their argument.
On the other hand, if one is coming from the outsider's position, and s/he has a strong belief opposite that of the new mother, the same rules of conduct and good argumentation apply. If one doesn't attack the new mother's ability, however subtly, but provides alternate views of professionals, s/he may get the mother thinking or prompt her to do further research that may win her to the opposing side. Further, to present the point as discussion, rather than the end-all-be-all word from above, is in the best interest of both parties--"have you read or come across_insert expert_? What did you think?"
Ultimately, it is not the ego that is to be argued, but the well being of a child. It may take a village to raise a child, but sometimes that village can overstep its bounds.
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Epinions.com ID:
MagCentaur
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Location: Pennsylvania
Reviews written: 32
Trusted by: 23 members
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