Emotional Devastation of Miscarriage
Aug 23 '00
Devastating News
I accompanied my wife to a scheduled appointment with her doctor during our first pregnancy. After performing a series of seemingly routine tests, the doctor suggested that it would be a good idea to order an ultrasound.
Watching the ultrasound procedure for the first time, and the search for the tiny fetus in these early months of pregnancy, was a fascinating experience for me. Watching as the technician pointed out tiny features on a picture that seemed to be mostly static to my untrained eye flooded me with pride for my wife and developing baby.
After examining several ultrasound views carefully, the technician called a doctor in to have a look. The doctor didn't say much. After several minutes of apparently intense scrutiny, the doctor left the room, returning minutes later with news we were not expecting, and not prepared to hear. "There's no heartbeat. You've had a miscarriage."
Inadequate and Guilty
At that moment I felt somewhat stunned and deeply disappointed. My disappointment was completely with the situation and not at all with my wife. It took me a minute or two to realize that the effect this was having on my wife was much different than its effect on me. She was sobbing uncontrollably, overcome by a much wider and deeper set of emotions that only an anxious, expectant mother - no longer expecting - could experience. She was devastated emotionally, feeling inadequate and guilty.
Balancing Act
The challenge for me became that of being honest with my own feelings while helping my wife manage and recover from hers. Every sign that I was saddened and disappointed by our loss added to the difficulty my wife had in overcoming feelings of inadequacy and guilt. On the other hand, had I not expressed my feelings at all, she might have wondered why I didn't care, and I would not have been true to myself. The most important message that I tried to convey in all of my actions and in my words was that there was absolutely no fault in my wife. I reminded her of how diligently she had followed every instruction from her doctor. I reminded her of how she had considered the health of the baby in absolutely everything she had done since becoming pregnant. Mostly I provided shoulders to cry on and a non-stop hug.
Very Common - No Stigma
I have no idea how long we tied up that little ultrasound room jointly recovering from the initial shock. We were instructed to return to my wife's doctor's office, where a more physically painful process of cleaning up after the miscarriage was completed. In some ways this shifted the focus of our feelings, but overall it added more to the general pain of the day.
One thing helped a great deal. The doctor told us that as many as one in three pregnancies end in miscarriage. She explained that the exact percentage isn't known because many miscarriages occur even before women realize they are pregnant. For us - especially for my wife - this changed a perception that we had that miscarriage was not very common. This was very important information for my wife. She understood that if miscarriage was that common, there was no legitimate stigma, inadequacy or guilt for her to take on. This realization didn't make the pain go away, but now the pain was completely over the situation, and not perceived fault.
Breaking The News
All of our family and friends knew how excited we were to be pregnant. Telling them about the miscarriage was hard, but a very helpful part of the healing process. They were all sympathetic, of course, but many of them were also very supportive. They helped us redirect our thoughts to the future. Certainly we would try again.
The Future
Adding to the overall emotion of the time, my wife's grandmother was near death from cancer. She already knew she would not live long enough to see our child, who would also be her first great grandchild. As she lay only days from death, we asked ourselves whether to tell her our news. The answer was clear. We did not tell her. She knew she was going to have a great grandchild, and we decided that we knew she was, too. The timing was now uncertain, but didn't matter. This was one way we shifted our attention toward the future.
We had chosen a name for our first child long before becoming pregnant. We decided that this name would stay with our first, never-born child. When we became pregnant again later, and delivered a healthy baby boy, we named him after my wife's grandmother, with a good boy's name adapted from her name, in her honor.
Strength From Adversity
In the unfortunate event that you experience a miscarriage, the two things that helped us the most should help you also.
First, grieve for the situation. Be disappointed and sad, but don't blame yourself or your spouse. Tell your family and friends so they can share the grief and offer support. If you're the father, understand that what the mother is experiencing is probably far more devastating than anything you could be feeling, as hard as it may be for you. Be there for her.
Second, start thinking about the future. In our case, with permission from her doctor, my wife continued taking pre-natal vitamins without interruption following our miscarriage, right up to that wonderful day a little over a year later when our son was born.
I don't wish a miscarriage on anyone. It's hard. But having gone through one, my wife and I have an extra level of appreciation for the preciousness of the son we now have.
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RuleOf72
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Member: David
Location: Redmond, WA
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