Boromir Švejk Lets Off Some Steam
Written: Jun 14 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Innocent until proven guilty
Cons: This won't last long in the days of Bush II
The Bottom Line: If I could tape all of Svejk's stories, I would have a best-seller on my hands
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| Fez_Monkey's Full Review: Anchor Steam Beer |
The June weather pattern along the coast of SoCal is very interesting, and it tends to confuse outlanders to no end. Every morning it is overcast due to a marine inversion layer, which is a neat way of saying "sort-of-foggy." But by 1 or 2pm, the marine layer usually burns off, revealing breathtaking blue skies and temperatures rapidly approaching the mid-to-high 80's.
The funny part about this is that tourists, recent transplants and other flotsam make the mistake of believing that the cool mornings will last all day long, and so they tend to dress in long pants, heavier shirts, and even can be seen wearing sweaters or jackets. They look at us locals dressed in tee-shirts and shorts like we are nuts, but by mid-afternoon they are inevitably cursing the heat, and lumbering along in major discomfort.
My point is, that by the late afternoon it is obvious that SoCal has begun to hit its summer stride. All the signs are there: heat, pretty girls in shorts and bikini-tops, and the puffy white flesh of tourist's thighs steadily turning rosy from sun-burn.
Times like these are the best to kick back in an open beer-garden area, sip a favorite lager, and just people watch and let the time slip away. It was a day much like this that I first met Boromir Švejk, bought him a Pilsner Urquell, and listened to his story of Danilo and being in the army. Fittingly enough, it was a day like this that I again met up with Švejk, again bought him a beer, and again listened to a story. This time we were drinking Anchor Steam Beer, enjoying the pretty women and clueless outlanders, when he began to talk about a time when he was a kid.
"I tink I vas about sixteen or seventeen ven I got errestet," he began, "chust about a year before I vas goink into de army."
Before he could get further into his tale I waved over the beermaid and ordered two more Steams.
"Dere vere de four of us. Me, my frient Lubomir, anoder frient Bozidar, ant dis idiot guy naymt Zvonimir. Ve vere boret, ant decitet dot ve shoult goink into de city for de day. It vas beink summer, like now, ant ve vere out of school, ant dere vere a lot of pretty gerls beink in de city. De problem vas, ve vere havink no vay to gettink dere. De bus tickets vere too expensiff, ant it vas beink too far to valk. Lubomir tought dot ve should be ridink bikes, but Zvonimir vasn't havink vun. Ve Vere about to givink up, ven he is rememberink dot his neighbor is havink a bike, so he goink to borrow it."
At this point Švejk stopped to appreciate the subtle curve of a young lady's calf as she bent over to adjust the heel strap of one of her sandals. In an almost reverent manner he raised his glass of Steam and gave a quick thanks to god for creating that moment for him. When he finished his sip, he continued.
"Anyvey, ve havink a great time in de city. Ve vent to a restaurant ant meetink some nice gerls, had a few drinks, ant dancet. Ven ve finally goink to home it vas very late … maybe tree in de mornink. My house vas de first vun ve are stoppink at, and before I vent insite, dis idiot Zvonimir is askink if he can leafink his bike at my home ant pickink it up in de mornink. I sait okay, den vent to bet."
Švejk again paused here and shook his head as he recalled the details of this event. "I knew I shouldn't hef done it," he said "dere vas sometink about dot idiot Zvonimir dot I didn't trust. But I vas tiret." He then took another long draught of his beer, and cocked his head before saying, "you know, dis tastes pretty goot. I don't drinkink dis beer because I am not a rich man. I am drinkink Milwaukee's Best because it is only $3.99 for a six pek." As if to put an exclamation point on this, he drained the last of his glass, and refilled it with the second bottle, before continuing his story.
"Anyvey, de next mornink I remember hearink a lout bengink on de door to my room. It vas early, maybe arount seven. I am still hunk ofer ant tiret, ant I tinkin it is Zvonimir, so I vas beink mat as hell. I vas goink to kill dot guy, but ven I openink de door I am seeink dot it is de police. It turnet out dot Zvonimir didn't borrowink de bike from a neighbor, but stealink it from de Police chief's son! Dot sonovabetch puttink dot bike right in front of my home like a fleg. Before I knovink vot is hoppenink, I am taken to de jail and locket up." He shuddered at the memory and involuntarily crossed himself, before again getting distracted by a young woman who was rollerblading by. He lifted the glass to his lips, whispered something to himself, and sipped.
"I vas in bik trouble," he went on. "I didn't even know vy I vas in jail for de ferst tree days. De cell vas awful. It vas maybe tree meters lonk ant two vide (about 10 by 7 feet for those of you who are metrically challenged). All alonk de valls vere a shelf vich is beink uset as beds by everyvun in dere. Dere vere 20 of us in dot room. De police never lettink us out - not to valk, not to shower, not even to goink to the betroom. If ve needet to go ve het vun bucket. It didn't metter if ve needet to pis.sink or shi.ttink, dere vas chust de vun bucket for de tventy of us! De smell in de room vas awful - it stinkink of sh*t ant svet. Dere vere men in dere, tirty or forty years olt, who vas dere for veeks. Some vere tieves, some vere drunks, ant a few vere political prisoners. Dere vas even vun man who ran from de army ant vas vaitink for dem to get him. Since I vas chust a boy I het to be careful. I am sleepink on de floor, usink my shoes like a pillow. Every mornink de guart vould vake us up at six, ant askink for a volunteer to takink de bucket ant dumpink it in de septic tank. After de secont day I alveys volunteeret, chust so I could go outsite for a little bit."
For a moment, Švejk seemed to change, as if the memory was casting a shadow on his otherwise jolly personality. His face went slack, and a darkness came over his eyes as he turned and stared blankly at the procession of people walking by. Tourists with cameras hoping to see a celebrity, kids on skateboards trying out new tricks, and everywhere the pretty women to remind him that he was in SoCal. He had more of his beer, and the cloud of the memory seemed to lift, returning his perpetual smile to his face, and bringing the twinkle back to his eyes.
"I vas in dot jail for ten days before I vent to see the judge. By dot time my friends het fount out, ant dey vere dere to helpink me ven I vas callet. De judge believdet me, ant lettink me go. My friends Lubomir and Bozidar take me out for a bik dinner and gettink me wery drunk dot night. Dey also are tellink me dot as soon as people findink out vat hoppenet to me, Zvonimir is runnink avay from de town. I saw him a few years later, efter I am out of de army, and I am beatink the sh*t out of him." By now Švejk was laughing at the memory of kicking Zvonimir's a*s, and he drank down the last of his beer. We stayed at our table for about an hour (and two more beers), watching the people, appreciating the pretty women, and just enjoying the rest of the SoCal June afternoon.
Recommended:
Yes
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Epinions.com ID:
Fez_Monkey
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Fez Monkey
Location: Somewhere west of Ellay, near a beach
Reviews written: 110
Trusted by: 138 members
About Me:
Me? I'm just a lawnmower, you can tell me by the way I walk.
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