SpookyMonkey's Full Review: Alan Francis - Everything Men Know About Women
Author's note: I intended to introduce this review with the quote 'Brevity is the Soul of Wit' - smart because not only does it nail what the author tried to imply by making such a farcical book, but also because it was quote from Polonius in Hamlet, a man known for not being able to keep his piehole closed or his words brief. Instead, I'm going to use this:
Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another. - H.L Mencken
Such a wordy introduction for a book. Hit a nerve?
Yes it bloody well did. And here's why. The book is called 'Everything Men Know About Women'. Naturally, every man picks it up with one obvious chauvinistic remark in mind, hoping it's in there somewhere.
What was yours?
Something about glass ceilings existing for women so they'll have something to wash when they get to the top.
Wow. I hear the scurrying of a hundred thousand high heels on their way to your house to kick your narrow behind right now.
Well it wasn't in there. Do you know what was?
No. Do share, if you have time in between your anti-feminine diatribes and overall misogyny.
Nothing! It's a blank book! No words, no anecdotes, no theories, postulations, hypotheses, ruminations, plausible ideas or novel approaches to the female psyche! Is that the best Alan Francis has to offer?
It's a joke. You know, "ha ha!"
That's what he thought. And since he made me drop $3.95 on something that he must think I can't possibly write a thousand word review on, I'm going to prove him wrong.
By...?
I filled it in for him. I wrote stuff in the book. I've given him a failing grade on his work.
Fail?
Once in high school, I forgot to turn in a paper. When it came time for collection, I wrote my name on the top of piece of paper, the date and then 'the end' on the backside about halfway down the page. After class when my ruse was questioned, I informed the teacher (after having a whole hour to think of exactly how to justify my actions) that my blank paper was a form of self expression - that I'd learned such things from the assignment that I could not put them into words. I told her that rather than attempt to quantify the gross subject of my acquired knowledge through sesquipedalian ruses and turns of phrase, the best expression was no words at all. I used my brevity to express that I understood a concept that transcended language. I was one with the idea and language itself merely provided a framework that separated us.
Bravo.
Yeah, tell that to my F and my detention. That's exactly what this book is. Alan forgot to turn in his homework and the publishers probably used that speech to the printers before their contract was yanked. Fortunately for them, they must have articulated that steaming B.S much better than I did.
So tell us about your book then.
Fine.
As written by Mr. Spookymonkey in blue crayon - What Men Know About Women (Copyright 2008)
- Women own more shoes than feet. Women have not been informed that you wear one shoe per foot, not per toe. I drew a big picture of a hairy foot in a high heel for illustrative purposes. You'll have to take my word when I say it's anatomically correct and awesome.
- Women travel to the bathroom in packs because they like to talk about men to their girlfriends. They also like to put their bras on their heads and pretend to be lacy robots. This has been documented in dreams I've had.
-Women operate by a theory not commonly known in Geometry. Like Transitive Property and Vertical Angles having Congruency or even Menelaus' Theorem, it is accepted as true without knowing why. It is called the Menstruative Property. This means that even if you have a cow that has been sold to you as a cow, labeled a cow by the Farmer's Association of America, won the Award for Best Cow in Show in the American Cow Club three years running and currently is known as the Hottest Cow in America, one week a month it's not a damned cow because you said it is and you're always wrong. Cow is interchangeable with anything, any phrase, any object animate or inanimate.
- Women look fat in just about everything. So do men. Women just don't feel the need to point it out whereas men making beeping sounds when women enter the room. Women are apparently unaware of the fact that a gross amount of the American population is considered overweight. Next time a woman asks you if she looks fat in something, answer without looking up: "statistically speaking, it's quite likely". Women will become enraged as this, further proving that women aren't good at Statistics.
- Current college Statistics classes are 85% women. See above for reason why.
- Women make men make decisions so they can criticize them later for their faults. Men let women make decisions because they usually can't be bothered to decide or have already seen the error in their own decisions.
- Women think small dogs in purses are like children. Most of these women's children are not potty trained. Their dogs are. Women haven't yet made the connection that children should be carried around in small purses and fed Beggin' Strips. Men thought of this years ago but are too busy feeding small dogs to larger dogs for their own amusement.
- If you're a woman, you've stopped reading at this point. If you're a man, you've looked over your shoulder at least once to check and see if your significant woman other is watching you read this.
- On page 19, I drew a picture of a monkey riding a Tyrannosaurus Rex in the Indy 500. He's currently in third. This has no bearing on the book but I'm not one for censorship.
- Men know that women don't understand or appreciate the greatness of monkeys displaying human qualities.
- I spilt coffee on page 28. The smear looks a bit like Margaret Thatcher chewing on a puppy.
- Women like men because of the way they are and then once they have them locked into a relationship, they change them into the way they want them to be. Then they complain about what they've created. Mary Shelley drew up the prototype for this in Frankenstein. Even women who have not read the novel have this insinuated into their essence.
- At least one woman is going to give this book review an NR or an Off Topic on principle alone. I hope said woman can make me a sandwich while she's at it.
- For what it's worth, men love women no matter what is said about them in books and no matter how much grief they give men because, frankly, having sex with a bear is a scary idea and sheep tend to kick.
- The End -
So, one star?
Until I got a hold of it, yes. Unless you're the model of pretentiousness with a Lacanian deconstruction in mind involving framing, parergons and language as the great divider between man and concept, this is just two pieces of colorful paper with lots of pieces of colorless paper inside.
So now what?
I plan on making a return trip to the bookstore and putting the book back on the shelf for the next lucky reader to come along. I think they will appreciate the thought I've put into turning a four-dollar ripoff into a semblance of a thought.
Yeah, let me know how that works out.
I will, but right now I hear high heels heading my way. If you need me, I'll be in the bathtub with the lights off.
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