Ew, gross, ew, um yuck. I paid how much? (...& The Excruciating Write-Off)
Written: Aug 23 '04
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Product Rating:
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Pros: It’s caffeinated.
Cons: Other than that, it’s pretty much a wash. In fact, you’ll need to wash.
The Bottom Line: The Bottom Line is an idiot for paying almost twenty dollars for this sticky, bad-smelling, non-working, over-priced tube of sh… cr… stuff.
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| bodashe's Full Review: Loreal Body Expertise Perfectslim Anti Cellulite B... |
Flashback: summer of '03. It was the Summer of Love. Okay, well, it was the summer of record highs and heat indexes to rival Hell (or at least Purgatory) or maybe it was the Winter of my Discontent. As the 29 & ½ & ½ landmark loomed larger on the horizon, I felt compelled to do something about making my moderately mushy skin tone firmer and more on par with, say, an eighteen-month-old’s zero-pore, perfectly smooth skin.
Enter a trip to Mega-Lo Mart. Eighteen feet of various and sundry get young-n-beautiful quick products. My Mama kept marveling over amazing results she was having with St. Ives Skin Firming Lotion. I comparison shopped, goggling at all the miracles galore, I narrowed my choices, ignoring my Mama, and opting for the L’Oréal PerfectSlim. I hate to admit it, but I think that one of the selling points was that the PerfectSlim has caffeine in it. I’m a caffeine junkie – ‘nuff said. The PerfectSlim also came in a pretty little L’Oréal box whereas the other skin-firming lotions didn’t have all that extra tree-destroying packaging. Hell, I just figured that $18.00 bucks worth of L’Oréal reliability couldn’t be bad – only expensive.
Well, I was wrong. Hey! Get some smelling salts! I just lost some of my regular reading audience. I’ll say it again… I was horribly wrong. Not only is PerfectSlim expensive, it’s beyond bad, bordering into believably blech. “Well,” you say, “how could it be that bad, when it’s L’Oréal?” Back into your chairs, kids, and follow along.
The kids are in their beds, my shower’s done, and it’s time to pamper myself. It’s time to kiss 29 & ½ & ½ good-bye and say hello to 25 again compliments of my tube of L’Oréal PerfectSlim. I read the directions and discovered why L’Oréal put this product in their Body Expertise line: You have to be an expert in body movements because the directions are almost harder to follow than that damn Pilates video I’ve used twice. Basically, use it on the areas that you’re targeting for skin-firming (hips, bottom, thighs, stomach) – you know, all the areas the baby trashed. Put your hand at the top of the area and move your hands in a downward direction using your thumbs and palm to actually smoosh this stuff into your pores (Okay, that last part took some liberty with the whole paraphrasing concept, but you get the idea). L’Oréal’s beauty advisors (not to be confused with the Epinions beauty advisors) have been hopefully underpaid for their contribution (known as a massage technique) to the directions portion listed on the PerfectSlim box. It really does read like a bad Yoga sampler.
So, I begin applying the magic. A few thoughts that came to mind include, “Ew,” “Gross,” “Ooh. Cold” [followed by the cold dance], “[Good Night], this is the stickiest [goop] I’ve ever put my hands in,” “This smells like fruit that’s been grown next to a Champion plant,” “Is this going to ever dry,” and, “I paid how much for this sh[goop]?” L’Oréal has this to say about the texture of PerfectSlim: This hydrating non-greasy gel instantly penetrates the skin to firm and tone. No, it isn’t greasy. It’s sticky. Sticky, sticky, sticky. No, it does not instantly penetrate the skin either. The sticky, tacky, I-feel-like-I’ve-been-basted-in-Kindergarten-paste feeling takes forever to only fade to a slimy feeling that can only be gotten rid of by taking a shower. I mentioned it was a hot summer. Sweating only made the slimy film on my skin seem oozy.
Okay, Bowie, it was disgusting. But did the PerfectSlim perform as promised?” Hell, no! L’Oréal promises: Skin appears smoother in one week. (No, it didn’t. I still had orange-peel ass.) Continuously hydrates skin for improved elasticity. (If it hydrates with pasty slime, then yes, it hydrates continuously.) Firms and tones skin within 8 days. (Nope.) Visibly reduces the appearance of dimpled skin within 4 weeks. (Again, nope. Then again, I only made it through three weeks of using this stuff.)
PerfectSlim’s got a lot of cutting-edge technological natural ingredients. L’Oréal is trying to wow the consumer with such neo-trendy homepathy such as “Ginko-Caffeine + Par-Elastyl™”. I don’t know what Par-Elastyl™ is, but it isn’t listed in the ingredients, which in case you’re allergen conscious are: Water, Alcohol Denat, Cyclohexasiloxane, Propylene Glycol, Glycerin, Caffeine, Dimethicone Copolyol, Phosphate, Triethanolamine, Salicylic Acid, Carbomer, Xanthan Gum, Acrylates/C10-30 Alkyl Acrylate Crosspolymer, Escin, Disodium Rutinyl Disulfate, Pea Extract, (I hated peas as a child; stands to reason they’re in a product I hate, too.) Ginkgo Biloba Extract, Blue 1, and Fragrance (that lovely Champion Paper fruit scent).
In short, I hated L’Oréal Body Expertise PerfectSlim Anti-Cellulite Body Gel. It was gross going on, sticky/slimy the rest of the day, it smelled bad, and it just plain didn’t work as advertised. My Mama was right, as usual. I should have bought the very excellent St. Ives Skin Firming Lotion. For $15.00 less I would have had 7.3 more ounces of product that actually works well.
This has been an Excruciating entry (very excruciating, yes there is a comment section below) into slarter and captaind’s Excellent & Excruciating Write-Off. Read all about the superb St. Ives Skin Firming Lotion here.
Dave, I bold-typed all the first letters of the examples of alliteration. Apologetically, I just couldn't get through this without a fit, though. Sorry.
Thanks to Shantel for getting this added into the database so quickly!
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
bodashe
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 - Top 1000 |
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Member: Bowie, CPhT
Location: Pensacola, FL, USA
Reviews written: 175
Trusted by: 103 members
About Me:
What goes around, comes around. And then it gets really dizzy and falls over.
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