Jess Weixler (in quite a solid performance) plays a judgementally virginal, ‘promise ring’-wearing high-schooler who discovers a very weird, razor-sharp secret between her legs. The poor lass suffers from the supposedly mythical ‘Vagina Dentata’. The chick has a hoo-hoo that really bites! Beware any horny teenage male or aggressive pervert who dares cross this chick, she’ll get all Lorena Bobbitt on your pecker! John Hensley is her positively Satanic, anal sex-loving step-brother who seems to want to de-flower his own step-sister (By making them step-siblings the writer-director is able to get away with more than usual). This despite the fact that he already had a bad experience with her when they were kids. Lenny Von Dohlen is their well-meaning but completely useless father. Josh Pais plays a particularly unfortunate gynaecologist, in one memorable scene.

Wow, talk about Body Horror! This ambitious (but not ballsy!- get it?), deliberately reactionary comedy-horror from debut writer-director Mitchell Lichtenstein is, like it or not, an experience you’ll definitely remember. Forget about ‘Hakuna Matata’, I was left screaming ‘Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata! Vagina Dentata!’ after this. It’s like David Cronenberg (“Rabid”, “The Brood”, “Naked Lunch”), David Lynch (“Eraserhead”, “Blue Velvet”), John Waters (that likeably perverse master of shock schlock cinema) and Todd Solondz (“Welcome to the Dollhouse”, “Happiness”) all wrapped into one big, nasty vagina with teeth. Actually, a better description for the film would be “Ginger Snaps” meets “Blue Velvet” meets “Killer Condom”.

Needless to say, I watched it with my legs closed, as most men likely will. Women will see it as a cute satire on teen abstinence and possible an empowerment film- I’m not so sold on the latter, though. Men will see it as a horror film, no question. And yet I can see both, so what does that say about me?. The film is a particularly amusing commentary on the whole teenage abstinence thing that’s been going on a lot lately (‘promise rings’ and such), and there’s also an amusing point made about sex ed classes being scared to cover any material on the female reproductive organ (The male sex ed teacher seems genuinely scared of the word ‘vagina’). And am I the only one who saw an entirely obvious, safe solution to this girl’s ‘problem’? She can have sex, just not...y’know, vaginal sex. Her step-bro seems to have the right idea, perhaps. OK, so I’m revealing way too much about my own peccadilloes, but you get my point, there’s a loophole there. The funny thing is, whilst I get the impression Lichtenstein wants women to see that it is foolish to suppress your natural sexual desires when you’re a horny teen, the men in the audience will likely swear off sex for life after watching this! I don’t think he chastises those who try abstinence, but he does strongly suggest that it is awfully hard (get it? Hard!) to suppress your natural urges during such a hormonally insane (or insanely hormonal) phase of your life, an opinion I also happen share...not that it ever got me anywhere.

The film also deals with the weird and uncomfortable physiological changes a teen goes through during puberty, albeit taking it to a perversely amusing extreme (You mean young women don’t grow teeth in their vaginas? Well, that’s good to know!). We get the obligatory visit to the gynaecologist here, but with a bizarro bent, and it’s an hilarious, if inevitable scene. The similarly inevitable scene between the step-siblings has a great ‘money shot’ followed by some further gallows humour involving the family dog.

This film is all class, folks! And boy is it fun...painfully fun, perhaps. Bit of a shame that the only teeth we get to see in the film are disembodied ones, and ‘after the fact’. And yet, we see numerous penises, probably more than in any non-porn film I can remember. But yet no vagina? I’m a boob man myself, but that’s just not fair if you ask me. And I’m still not sure how one particular character ended up dead, it’s very confusing at times, whether it is the fault of the writer-director or editor. The ending also kinda sucks, the girl’s mythological/medical condition remains a mystery even at the end, frustratingly (Maybe Dr. Bobbitt knows?).

But look, this is a pretty funny and mostly clever film (Did I mention that Hensley keeps a dog in a cage in his room that he calls ‘mother’?), and a one-of-a-kind experience, comfortable or not. It certainly has more going on in terms of themes, ideas, and satirical points than most exploitation films. Now sing it with me, people; ‘Detachable Penis...Detachable...Detachable Penis...’

Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: DVD
Video Occasion: Good Date Movie