The Bottom Line: Great disc to re-ignite old memories of flames long gone. Or just a good record for causing undue pain and suffering to those within listening distance.
The step by step guide for "Lessons in shark jumping" or "How to annoy your neighbors." Read on.
Despite our second round of layoffs this year and the exhaustive extra hours on the clock, work is still a comfortable place to be. And although my department was hit the hardest losing 40 percent of my crew, the pink slip survivors are my A-Squad - they make the impending daily grind a lot less gnashing. The trials of the Internet business - it's a blast.
It's also keen that a couple of my rockstars are serious music aficionados. For instance, today I heard classic GN-F'in-R blarin' from one cube which was interesting since lately it's been all cLOUDDEAD ringin' from those microspeakers. From the cubicle in front of me, I was treated to ample amounts of On The Might Of Princes. The Spice was bringin' it. Nice.
Then there's me.
I seem to have it all going on in my corner doing my best to annoy one or the other - sometimes both - with my share of jangly beats and pert affinity for musics that most consider trash. Hey, I make no apologies for my listening tastes and if I manage to annoy at least one person in my office, I consider my job done. But it was this week when the Spice and I decided to queue up our copies of Monster Ballads that we really laid on the damage two-fold, driving our music brother-in-arms to near insanity. Work can be a cruel place indeed.
"That isn't fun. That isn't funny."
I'm mixed about the latest Monster Ballads release, the so-called Volume 2. If you've heard or possess the first two-CD set, then the recently born v.2 comes as a bit of a letdown. And it's with much consternation that I even review this beast for fear of losing any cred I might have with the death metal/real metal contingent. Hey, I'm an old kid, older than you tykes, so ease up on the man; me likey the Monster Ballads... somewhat.
My biggest contention with v.2 is that of the sixteen total tracks, ten of 'em are from the first 2-disc set. TEN. WTF? Seriously, the folks that this is aimed towards probably already picked up the first set (I have it and it's pretty damn good considering). So if this is the target audience, why tease them with only six "new" tunes. Maybe I should say, "additional" because all these tunes are far from "new" ...yep.
Wait, wait, wait. Stop. Back up.
Sorry. I completely forgot that some of you fine readers may not be totally familiar the entity known as Monster Ballads. For anyone who doesn't watch cable television, Monster Ballads are CD compilations of hard rock/rock & pop/heavy metal ballads typically released in the 80's/early 90's. Normally you'll find TV advertisements for these but they can also be easily obtained at your local music mass merchandiser; Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, BestBuy, et al. Or your regular online music retailers. So there you have it.
Okay, back to the record...
My second criticism with the album is the choice of groups featured. I admire their thinking but I find it a grave disservice to stack so many hair metal groups side by side with standard rock artists. I have some serious issues with the inclusions of Alias, Boston, Nelson, Loverboy, and REO Speedwagon. It's not that I dislike those bands... well, maybe Alias, but when would the names Warrant and REO be uttered in the same sentence other than to discuss Monster Ballads? Nothing against REO (I actually paid to see them rawk out an arena in the late 80's before they hit the county fair circuit), but I'm not thinking "monster" when I hear their name. Ballad? Sure. But "monster?" Not hardly.
I can sorta make a case for Bad English but even they are marginal here. And Willy Idol is a bit iffy but he rocks in a rebel yell kind of way so he gets the pass-go card. The remaining contenders fit the hair metal bill with the appropriate panache to pull it off... some of them anyways. Let's dissect the tracks and get to the heart of matter, shall we...
Poison gets things going with "I Won't Forget You" which kicks the record into an emotional third gear bypassing 1st and 2nd altogether. I'm not gonna go into my deal with Poison 'cept to say that I've always dug 'em, even when Richie Kotzen and Blues Saraceno stood in for C.C. This song has that saccharine mid 80's easy LA-boprock happening and totally reminds me of humid nights cruising the town in the summer of '86. The guitar fills plus the beat give it a western feel many of these bands were going for in their image - the cowboy boots and Stetson look. And Poison's been down that road and back. Great tune, glad it was included. [reminds me of Cesi]
I was never down Firehouse because they arrived on the scene right when I was really hating all bands of this ilk. Yet somehow their 2nd record found it's way into my collection. Anyway, "Love of Lifetime" is the perfect example of the corn syrup pap that drove me away; it flatlines from beginning to end. Skip it for the next tune "When The Children Cry" by White Lion, a band I thought could do no wrong after Pride was released in '87. Boy, was I mistaken. I kinda feel this one's out of place since it's a sad ode about the kids when the breadth of the record is about gettin' the love on. But, hey, I can play this tune through on my guitar so it's a keeper. Mike Tramp's vocals turn on the tears and Vito Bratta's short solo is equally weepy. [reminds me of Heidi unfortunately]
If Winger didn't jump the shark from day one, they sure did by their sophomore effort, In The Heart Of The Young. "Miles Away" is from that record and I get nothing from it. Wasn't listening to Winger when this was originally released so I gots nothing. But the track has "monster" all over it with Kip's big chorus. I bumped into the guy by accident once. I was stayin' at the same resort in Lake Geneva as the band when they were touring with KISS. He's a short man but a damn handsome fellow with that permanent 5 O'clock shadow. Easy to see why the ladies like him.
Oh yeah, Saigon Kick is another one of those bands that broke through and shook me like a little girl with their sweeping harmonies. I could never figure out why they didn't make it big because they had mountains of talent and a helluva a guitarist/songwriter in Jason Bieler. I think it was all in the poor timingof their arrival. Ah well, "Love Is On The Way" moves me and makes others move their bowels. There's no fence-sittin' on that one. [reminds me of Christy]
Okay, skip the Alias track which blows ass and get on with Warrant in "Sometimes She Cries" which shines through as one of the few quality toe-tappers here with another over-the-top, hips-a-swaying chorus. Man, that Jani Lane can write some tunes! And he's got the voice to get the girls out of their fishnets. All right, so they all sound the same but aren't they just hooky as all hell? Even when you don't know the tune, you can still sing along. Nothing like makin' that first time feel like it's the best time. [reminds me of Joey]
On to Faster Pussycat who clearly hopped the fin with "House of Pain" and their second album from which it was culled. Most of you probably haven't read my review on that record but I shredded it to ribbons. Was never a huge fan of most of what they did after their excellent debut and here Taime Downe just sounds so frickin' whiny it's nauseating. I realize this was their main hit but it's not workin' for me; it never has. [for some strange reason this reminds me of Mrs. Megadeth and her leg cast]
Sheesh. I'm only half way through the tracks... I'm sensing a serious long-distance, love-gone-wrong kind of vibe so far. You feeling that? It's sad, isn't it?
Now Bad English steps up to the plate. Look out: cheese alert. Well, John Waite and The Babys were decent. Jonathan Cain and Neal Schon of Journey were pretty cool, right? Notice I said "were" because the collaboration between all these fellas left a lot to be desired. And "Price of Love" has more calories than a Pizza Hut Triple Cheese® with the cheesy crust. Ugh. This schmaltzy pop rock ballad is giving me indigestion. The only thing worth remembering about Bad English was the stellar, up-tempo acoustic version of "Missing You" they did in concert.
The Nelson twins follow and, well, I'm not going there. Then there's Boston with "Amanda" which sounds like a Toto remake. I recall when the airwaves were blanketed with this tune - the indie promoters did their job well - and I was forced to hear this a dozen times a day when my sister and I commuted to college my freshman year. That was a shitty year and this song about sums it up nicely. [reminds me of my English 101 teacher - don't ask]
LA Guns returns from Vol.1 with the same tune "The Ballad of Jayne" and this is one of their best ever as Phil Lewis croons over Tracii Gunn's fluid 12-string arpeggios. I'm not down with the record it comes from as I indicated in my Cocked & Loaded review but this is a hallmark heavy metal ballad worthy of any comp, twice even. [reminds me of Christy again - she loved this tune]
Back to Warrant for sec. When they first landed on the scene with "Down Boys" I hated them with that fire-breathing, please-self-combust kind of passion. Then I caught them live on Ratt's Reach The Sky Tour and decided that they were entertaining and rather infectious. I became a big fan of the band I once despised and went on to see them several more times. Weird, huh? Anyway they have a song that's in my top 25 favorite songs of all-time if ya can believe that. I'll send you a shiny five-dollar bill y'all if you can guess the song. Sorry, only one guess.
Back on.
And here we are with Generation X's very own William Idol and "Eyes Without A Face" holding the 13th position. I got nothing bad to say about the man except I was put off by his $50 face value tickets - before the Ticketbastard fees - for his show this month. Otherwise this is a tremendous rock song with a kickass Steve Stevens bridge roaring in the middle. And the video makes it all the more worthwhile. Billy's one dude who still carried the swagger even when he was on the down and out. Gotta respect that. [reminds me of Mari]
Mike Reno and his Loverboy outfit show up next and I absolutely abhor this song. I don't remember this one whenever it came out and I don't want to remember it now. Finally the yellow and black attack of Stryper shows up with their shark-jumping "Honestly" sap that was vomit-inducing when it was first released back in '86 and found heavy rotation on MTV. Even though this Christian chorus of soft instruments and sickly sweet vocals from Michael Sweet (coincidence? I think not) leaves me gagging, I'm glad the boys are here since they are so representative of the genre. [reminds me of another Christie]
Lastly REO rounds out the set and I can't fight this feeling I have to shut the player off, breathe and count to ten... slowly. With bona fide rockers like "Ridin' the Storm Out" in their repertoire I just can't back the weak milquetoast offerings from this band, even if they are from Illinois. Substituting the other IL mainstays Cheap Trick would've been a better call if the label really felt the need to include something like this. Take it on the run and blow this popsicle stand. [reminds me of all my Jr High crushes]
After putting my thoughts on virtual paper I'm starting to think that I don't like this v.2 of Monster Ballads as much as I did going in. Ah, well. I'll still recommend it solely based on the sentimentality factor and enjoyment I've had torturing my co-worker from repeat listenings at a higher volume than usual. Yes, work can be a very cruel place indeed.
Jeers!
Track Listing:
1. I Won't Forget You - Poison *
2. Love Of A Lifetime - Firehouse *
3. When The Children Cry - White Lion *
4. Miles Away - Winger *
5. Love Is On The Way - Saigon Kick
6. More Than Words Can Say - Alias
7. Sometimes She Cries - Warrant *
8. House Of Pain - Faster Pussycat
9. Price Of Love - Bad English *
10. Only Time Will Tell - Nelson
11. Amanda - Boston
12. Ballad Of Jayne - L.A. Guns
13. Eyes Without A Face - Billy Idol
14. This Could Be The Night - Loverboy
15. Honestly - Stryper
16. Can't Fight This Feeling - REO Speedwagon
* tracks not available on Volume 1
Rather than being redundant by repeating ten songs from the first volume, here's ten groups entirely missing from both sets that had they been included, the disc would've been so much better:
Bon Jovi, Ratt, Crue, Skid Row, GNR, Ozzy, Dokken, KISS, Tesla, Lita Ford
More than likely, due to legal constraints, those artists were excluded.
So here's a second set of ten bands that still would've been an improvement (maybe):
Lynch Mob, Kingdom Come, Vixen, Twisted Sister, Britny Fox, Sweet FA, XYZ, Slaughter, Trixter, TNT
See, there are always possibilities when it comes to the world of AquaNet®, leather and spandex.
There it is. That's it.
The Real Pros: Collection of mostly awful tunes that have to be worse than the memories they revive.
The Real Cons: If you already own Monster Ballads v.1 then you really don't need this one.
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