Your Baby Is Not Good Enough For Martha Stewart
Written: Apr 06 '01
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Product Rating:
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Pros: It's not as bad as an emergency appendectomy.
Cons: Do not purchase unless you are already in intensive therapy.
The Bottom Line: Avoid Martha Stewart Baby and revel in your own messy motherness!
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| Lambira's Full Review: Martha Stewart - Baby Magazine |
With Martha Stewart Baby, the consummate media trollop has tapped into perhaps the only remaining category where women felt secure in the primacy of their role. God knows that next to Martha, we’re all crummy cooks, tasteless decorators, and laughable homemakers. So my first reaction upon seeing this magazine was, at last! A warm and fuzzy baby how-to from the woman known the world over for her personal kindness and warmth!
While the activities and projects in here are lovely, they are really only achievable by women who are not only stay-at-home-moms but have a full-time nanny, maid, and the approximate wealth of George Soros at their disposal. Articles on the proper way to swaddle are interspersed with pictorials of impossibly perfect-looking babies against softly lit backgrounds who never seem to burp, sweat, or drool.
Practical projects are outlined in excruciating detail, such as how to prepare your own baby food. Before I describe Martha’s Way, let me give you the special Lambira recipe:
Get in car.
Drive to nearest A&P.
Put cans of Gerber in shopping cart.
At checkout line, surreptitiously read National Enquirer article about Julia Roberts’ torrid lesbian affair.
Put National Enquirer back; hang head in shame while paying for food.
If this recipe doesn’t fit your needs, Martha will happily enlighten you as to how you can spend 36 continuous hours chopping, straining, boiling, and pureeing your own baby food from insanely expensive hand-harvested organic vegetables, tilled in virgin soil by Tibetan monks. You know, like a good mother would do.
The design of the magazine is lovely, of course, a delicate bit of brain candy whose soft pastels evoke Prozac in the springtime. The really annoying thing here is that the magazine is crammed with Baby Gap ads. In fact, it is pretty much a glorified Baby Gap catalog with a special Martha Stewart f^%$ you twist.
Future features are sure to include more useful topics such as tips for a tasteful at-home, do-it-yourself-circumcision (menu: Swedish meatballs and poached calamari rings in marinara sauce) and turning baby poop into a precious mulch for the rose garden.
Please, women of the world, unite and vote NO with your magazine dollar. We must keep Martha contained. She must not be allowed to spread her evil progeny (I mean magazines, not children) any further into our lives. The last thing I need is for Martha Stewart to start telling me how to have orgasms or repair personal computers. She has made me feel inadequate for the last time!
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
Lambira
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 - Top 1000 |
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Location: bumble
Reviews written: 133
Trusted by: 305 members
About Me:
Finicky and allergy-ridden, I often display a holier-than-thou attitude to compensate for a boring life.
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