MattA75's Full Review: A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar by Dashboard Co...
Another Beavis review, another disclaimer. This is something I do for fun, a change of pace if you will. If you don't like Beavis, then maybe you should just leave this review now, because this review will probably go over as well with you as Coldplay goes over with me...hey, that gives me an idea...
It has been an awfully long time since I got in touch with my "associates," Beavis and Butthead. When I last left them, they were completely over-excited by The Donnas' Spend The Night. I had decided to leave them alone for a bit, as after all, I had forced a couple of awful albums on them before the Donnas.
But when I saw the newest Dashboard Confessional album, A Mark, A Mission, A Brand, A Scar, sitting in the new release section of my library, I knew what had to be done. So it was off to Highland to find my two acquaintances.
Matt: Hey guys, remember me?
Beavis: Uh....
Butthead: Beavis, you dumbass, it's the dude who like, gave us that Donnas album, or something.
BE: Ohhhhhhhh yeah, yeah, now I remember, heheh.
M: Yes, that was me, I got another CD I want you guys to give me your take on.
BU: Uhhhhhh, does it suck?
M: Well, I don't know that Butthead, if I did, I wouldn't be coming here asking for your opinion.
BE: Hey Butthead, he said 'coming.'
BU: Huhhhuhuh huhuhu huhuhuh huhuhuhuh
M: Alright guys calm down, are you willing to help me out or not?
BU: Uh, I guess so. Beavis can always spank his monkey later on.
BE: Shut up Butthead!
I place a video tape with the music video for the first single Hands Down into the duo's dilapidated VCR.
M: Alright guys, this is their music video, the song is called Hands Down.
BE: This sucks
BU: Yeah, what's wrong with that dude?
M: That's Chris Carrabba, he's the main songwriter and singer for the band.
BU: This is horrible!
BE: Yeah, and look at that drumkit, it's like, um, kind of like AC/DC's logo.
BU: That fartknocker, he has no business using that logo, this song sucks harder than Beavis' mom. Huhuh huhuh huhuh.
BE: Shut up Butthead, before I cave your nads in.
BU: Hey Beavis, that gives me an idea, or something.
M: Oh yeah, what's that Butthead?
BU: Like, there was this time, on Halloween, where we needed costumes, and Beavis put a pair of underwear on his head and became a nad. That's what this dude should be for halloween...
BE: Yeah, heheheh, no costume necessary, or something.
M: I remember that, that was the year you went as nachos and dumped hot melted cheese over your head, right Butthead?
BU: Yeah, huh huh, that was cool.
M: Alright, so you don't like Hands Down...
BU: Uhhhh, nooo
M: Then let's try the rest of the album, and if it sucks, I'll leave you copies of the entire Donnas discography for your time...
BE: Yeah, yeah, the Donnas kick A*S!
M: Alright guys, this one's called As Lovers Go...
BU: This dude is real whiny and stuff
BE: Yeah, this sounds something like that dork Van Dreissen would sing.
M: You know, you two are right. These lyrics are some of the most overblown, sappy, downright suckass lyrics
that I've come across in some time.
BU: Yeah, this dude needs to write a song with some balls...
BE: Like that You Shook Me All Night Long song by AC/DC, chicks dig that kind of song.
BU: Yeah, chicks like their guys to be tough, not all wussy and crybaby like this dude.
In the midst of this conversation, the next song, Carry This Picture, begins.
M: Wait up guys, another song has started.
BU: And here's a surprise, it sucks.
BE: Heheheh, yeah, this guy needs to remember where he left his nads and stuff.
BU: Beavis you dumbass, this dude doesn't have any nads, he IS a nad, remember?
BE: Ohhhh yeahhhh.
Butthead begins imitating Chris Carrabba in full song
BU: (singing) "And meet me at quarter to seven, the sun will still shine on my butt..."
BE: Whoa, that's pretty uh, creative, or something, Butthead
BU: Yeah, I rule, huhuh huhuh huh
M: Alright guys, let's try another track, let's see, ok, how about this one, Am I Missing
A few seconds of music passes by, both Beavis and Butthead have incredulous looks on their faces.
M: I like the acoustic guitar work, too bad it's so far back in the mix, it should be up front, it would make the song much more bearable.
BU: You know what would make this song, uh, more bear-a-able?
M: What's that Butthead?
BU: Huh huh, turning it off!
I hold back laughs because I know it's true, but I try to be fair
M: Come on now Butthead, shall we try another song?
BU: Uh, do we have a choice?
M: No, not really, because I could kick both your lilly asses in no time.
Beavis emerges from the kitchen with his shirt up over his head, and immediately I realize what has happened. The Great Cornholio has emerged from Beavis' psyche.
BE: WAHHHHHHHH, are you threatening me? I need TP for my BUNGHOLE!!!
BU: Uh, ok...
M: Settle down Beavis...
BE: Are you thretening me? I shall not settle down, my bunghole, it needs TP
I smack Beavis about 15 times across the face and he immediately snaps out of his trance.
BE: Whoa, hey, what's goin on? Hey how's it goin?
M: You know guys, I think I can see why this album sucks so bad.
BU: Because it sucks?
M: No Butthead. The songs all sound the same for the most part. There's no diversity to these songs at all. They're all depressing treatises on love and how much it hurts, and it creates a depressing lull that the album can't shake, even though it tries desparately to sound hopeful.
In addition, Carrabba's voice isn't very full, it's more of a low whine than anything. So not only does the music fail to take off because it grates on you, but his voice grates on you as well, and it's not long before you have a headache. Even when he tries to speed things up, like on So Beautiful, the song can't hold itself up because Carrabba's voice is so goddamned headache inducing.
The one time the music really takes off, as generic as it is, on Hey Girl, the lyrics are p*ss f*cking poor. In fact, Carrabba suffers from the same thing that Simple Plan suffers from: an utter juvenile approach to songwriting. "Hey girl, you've got a fine laugh, and I think I could get used to that," what a waste of a really good musical hook.
BU: Uh, could you shut up or something?
BE: Hey Butthead, someone's at the door.
Enter Stewart
Stewart: Hey guys, I heard you guys listening to Dashboard, doesn't this album ROCK? My mom bought it for me, my mom's really cool, she does all sorts of stuff for me.
BU: Uh, ok
BE: Hey Stewart, you wanna be our friends?
ST: Do I? You guys are the coolest.
BU: Then like, do us a favor or something, and take this craptacular CD, and burn it.
ST: You guys don't like Dashboard? But every alienated teenager likes Dashboard, besides, it's good music to get chicks with.
BE: Um, you know, that's ok, I think I'd rather spank the monkey than have to listen to that crap.
BU: Yeah, besides, only dumb girls would like this crap, we want cool chicks, like the Donnas.
M: Alright guys, so what's the final verdict on Dashboard Confessional?
BU: Well, like, uh, that Angus Young dude from AC/DC, should like take his guitar, and shove it up that Chris dude's butt for being such a wuss.
BE: Yeah, and then, and then, they should light all of this crappy band's instruments on FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!!!!
BU: Now, can we have our Donnas' albums? You promised and stuff
M: Yes, I did Butthead. I'm sure you'll enjoy the c*ck rock on these discs, and I'm sure you'll enjoy the pictures even more.
BU: Whatever turd burglar, just get out of here, and don't come back unless you have something cool.
On my way out the door, I smack Stewart
ST: What was that for?
M: That was for being a wuss who likes wuss music. Dumbass.
Please note that since Beavis and Butthead have no DVD player, and since they burned this copy to ashes, I could not review the accompanying DVD...ok, to be honest, it looks like another library patron stole or lost the DVD.
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