Future generations of sociologists and psychoanalysts will have a field day with the actions and motivations of one Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise. Like a veteran politician, Kirk subverts the “no interference” principle of the Federation’s “Prime Directive” on nearly every backwater planet his transported molecules re-congeal upon - for clearly, half the females in the cosmos have been loved and left by the canoodling captain. His classic “kiss-off” of this week’s conquest would surely merit a two-week suspension and a round of sexual harassment counseling at today’s newly reorganized Starfleet Academy.

But seeing that Kirk’s 22nd century future began in the 1960s, this schizophrenic plot peculiarity is more macho comic than creepy - though with a bit of tweak would make one heck of a crossover episode with the unquestionably creepy Law & Order: Special Victims Unit - aside from the fact that I find the L&O spin-off revolting. Regardless, if it does happen, I want a piece of the action. Live long and prosper, Star Trek: SVU.

“What the devil’s going on?”

When Kirk, Uhura and Chekov are mysteriously snatched from the transporter room en route to Gamma-whatever, they end up on a cheesy set at the hands of Galt (Joseph Ruskin); a bald and goateed sourpuss whose floor-length black robes remind one of Flash Gordon’s nemesis Ming the Merciless. The fact that he walks like Cartman on South Park adds just the right touch of shuffling cosmic terror and comic relief to the role.

“They killed Kenny - you bastards!!!”

As it turns out, Galt is simply a stooge for “The Providers”, a group of unseen aliens whose refined, recreation-oriented (i.e. couch potato) existence has evolved to high-stakes wagering on slaves gathered from across the galaxy. These duel-to-the-death grudge matches are conducted using large Q-tips with a lobster claw at one end and a triple fish hook at the other. As is his perpetual wont, Kirk proves especially proficient at cracking open contestants with the lobster thingy.

“Meanwhile, back at the Enterprise . . .”

As Scotty, Bones and Spock try to figure out what in Sam Hill is goin’ on, it becomes clear that Kirk and crew are now eleven-point-something light years away from the ship and they’re gonna have to burn some serious rubber to catch up by act four. The fact that no unknown guest stars have disappeared with Kirk accounts for the episode’s curious lack of Enterprise crew carnage.

“You now bear the mark of a fine herd . . .”

Kirk’s molten core of seething sexuality finds an outlet in Shahna (Angelique Pettyjohn), a feisty Triskelion-born slave with a bikini of silver and a heart of gold. No doubt patterned after Julie Newmar’s character in 1964's My Living Doll, Pettyjohn’s spoken lines are simple, but the physical ones are anything but. She’s a knockout in every way... well, almost - her impressive head of hair is the shade of green reserved for the complexion of a first-time cigar smoker.

“How unfortunate that you must be destroyed . . .”

The Margaret Armen script is brimming with classic Trekisms:

Shahna [kissing Kirk]: “Is this what you call helping? Would you help me once again?”

Shahna: “Goodbye, Jim Kirk. I will learn and watch the lights in the sky... and remember.”

Well... that makes one of us . . .

When Lucille Ball okay-ed the first pilot for Star Trek, her Desilu Studios empire needed a boost in prestige that an A-series could deliver. To her credit, she commissioned a second pilot when NBC rejected the first, then worked the scrapped footage into a two-part, first-season mini-epic called “The Menagerie” when the series finally sold.

The Desilu facilities (the former home of RKO Radio Pictures) were so dilapidated, folks in the sound department had to eradicate the strains of banging pipes and flushing toilets encountered during filming. As the second season of Star Trek premiered, Ball - the industry’s first and foremost distaff studio boss - sold Desilu to Paramount Pictures for the hefty sum (in 1967 dollars) of 17 million.*

“Love is the most important thing on Earth . . .”

Mr. Spock would disagree with the illogic of the above statement, but the captain is having one heck of a time touching everything that moves at the speed of light. In the second-season installment known as The Gamesters of Triskelion, the Enterprise quadruples its carbon footprint - firing-up a molten core of dilithium crystals to save a hunka’ hunka’ burnin’ Kirk.

*The $17 million figure is plucked from my memory of an article that appeared in Parade Magazine.  In his book Engulfed:  The Death of Paramount Pictures, author Bernard Dick claims the sale of Desilu to Gulf + Western (Paramount's parent corporation at the time) was in the $40 million range.

Star Trek Episode 46 (1968)
Screenplay: Margaret Armen
Director: Gene Nelson
Desilu Productions / Paramount
VHS: CBS / Paramount (1994)

Recommended:
Yes

Viewing Format: VHS
Video Occasion: Good for a Rainy Day
Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children Age 9 - 12