I'd Rather Beat Myself To Death With A Spatula
Written: Sep 09 '00
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Product Rating:
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Pros: Alice The Wonder Waitress
Cons: Miserable food, lousy servings and dining companions with eight legs.
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| muttgirl's Full Review: IHOP |
IHOP is just one of those places better left in memory. If you went there when you were a kid, you probably went nuts over the chocolate chip pancakes and the Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-And-Fruity. Maybe you didn't - I don't know. But I did. So when me and the S.O.* were out this evening and noticed that they had thrown a new up (seemingly overnight) we decided to stop in. Call it nostalgia, call it comfort food, just don't call it a good choice for dining.
Let's start with the insects, shall we?
After being seated (with remarkable quickness and hospitality - no problems there) the S.O. made a startling discovery. I was not sitting on my side of the booth alone. No indeedy. Sitting next to me was a rather large ant, waving his antennae as if to warn me out of the place. Smart ant - I probably should have listened to him. But I didn't. Not being a squeamish gal, I merely flicked him off. When the S.O. discovered the little ant's partner on HIS seat, he killed him. Barbarian. But so far we were running one to one with the ant population in our booth. Bad sign.
Our waitress, who I'll call Alice, arrived in short order with our menus. She was undoubtedly the most positive part of our dining experience. Probably a high school kid, she was one of that breed of genuinely sweet people. Usually those folk inspire contempt in the bottom of my cynical heart - I'm sure they've got a closet full of corpses at home or some other dirty secret, but I genuinely liked Alice. She seemed a slightly hapless and a little harried, but determined to make us enjoy our meal. Even the table of obnoxious drunk yuppies seated next to us elicited no ill will from her. I, on the other hand, would have whapped them in the face with a wet pancake.
Ten points for hiring Alice, minus twenty for the menu.
I wanted breakfast food. Being a vegetarian, I know better than to try and order from the dinner menu in chain diner type places. Breakfasts, though, are usually a safe bet. I eat eggs, and I can usually scare up an omelet or some pancakes without being confronted with meat. I knew exactly what I wanted, too - some eggs, some hashbrowns, a few pieces of toast. Nothing fancy, or nothing gourmet. No biggy, right?
Wrong.
I could eggs, hashbrowns, toast and bacon. Or I could get eggs and pancakes. Due to an unfortunate food poisoning incident I had with pancakes a few months back, that wasn't going to happen. But I hate paying for a meal that I can't eat all of. Before any of y'all think I'm being nitpicky about this, imagine if you went to a restaurant and there was NOT ONE meal on the menu that you could order that you could eat all of. You'd be a little frustrated, too.
When I asked Alice if I could substitute, her face lit up. "Are you a vegetarian?" she asked. When I told her I was, she told me she was too. Score a few more points for Alice. She told me she would see what the cooks would substitute. She went back for a few minutes and offered me cottage cheese or fruit. I wasn't really into either, but I appreciated her effort, and took her up on the fruit. The S.O. being the carnivore that he is, he went for the full deal - eggs, toast, pancakes, ham, bacon, and hashbrowns. Mine cost about $6, his went for $8. He also got a big glass of milk, which cost around $2.
This doesn't sound like much, but when we got the food, we realized we'd been ripped.
The eggs had to have been laid by midget hens. Not only were they small, they were overcooked. Instead of over-easy, we got over-rubbery. There was a handful of hashbrowns, slightly undercooked, and a decent serving of toast. It's pretty hard to screw up toast, thank God. The S.O.'s meat was miniscule and the two pancakes looked dry. For some unfathomable reason, he refused the hot maple syrup and instead went for the flavored syrup. I've seen this man eat reheated scrambled eggs, but he could not eat the syrup. Not only did it look vile - the blueberry was a sickly brown color, it also tasted vile. Blueberry spackle. For the first time in five years, he left food on his plate.
Not only was it bad, there was so little of it that it resembled a diet plate for the cholesterol deficient.
I know what IHOP is, I'm not stupid. We weren't expecting the galloping gourmet, but we were at least expecting it to be edible. And to not have to dine with insects. Wacky us. Poor Alice for having to work in such a dump.
I can't give it an all bad rating. The service was quick, and the drunks behind us seemed to be enjoying their meal. If you're knee-walking, lampshade-on-the-head smashed, or so obsessed with service that you're willing to eat ANYTHING as long as it's served quickly, go to IHOP. Otherwise, go to the local diner down the street where $6 will buy you a well cooked breakfast that needs to be hoisted with a fork lift.
*the significant other, if you didn't know. Come on now, folks, bone up on your 90's relationship terms!
Recommended:
No
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Epinions.com ID:
muttgirl
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Location: A Damp & Cold Corner Of The World.
Reviews written: 49
Trusted by: 90 members
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